Well, I did it.

I quit smoking cigarettes.

I quit on Halloween.

Well, technically on November 1st.

I’m chewing nicotine gum, but I haven’t had a cigarette since Halloween night.

My apartment smells so much better, so does my car.

I never smoked inside either place, but the residual smell would be on my clothes as I’d go into both, and by default, I’d make them smell like stale cigarettes.

So that’s clearing up.

And that feels good.

I did hit my vape a few times, when I just really wanted something just to smoke.

But it’s been few and far between.

I was talking to my therapist about it, and I think I’m gonna get the 0% nicotine vape juice soon, just so I have something to smoke when I want it, so I don’t turn back to cigarettes.

Because the problem is that I love smoking.

I really do.

I love it.

I love the feeling of the smoke – or vape, going into my lungs, regardless of how bad it is for me.

It’s just relaxing.

So I feel like if I get the no nicotine vape juice, and use that, I’ll be way less likely to turn back to cigarettes when I just want something to smoke.

But nicotine wise, the gum has really been my lifesaver.

And I’ve been trying to keep track, like I said I would.

It’s harder than expected because the day goes on and before I know it, I haven’t logged a couple of chews.

But it’s okay.

As long as I’m in the general vicinity of what I did that day, I’m good.

I’m doing alright with it.

And surprisingly, I’m chewing less and less as the weeks are going by.

Like, the further away I get from smoking, the less I’m chewing.

Which is exciting.

I had my primary care appointment Friday, the 6th.

We talked about how all of the autoimmune panel came back negative but I’m still on the Methotrexate. 

I thought for sure that would interfere – like, a lot a lot.

I had read that the Methotrexate could make positives, negative on that panel.

But Dr Rocha said it wouldn’t make as big of a difference as I was thinking.

She said the antibodies (I think that’s what she said they were) that she tested for wouldn’t be as affected by the Methotrexate as some of the other tests she could’ve ordered would be.

She said that blood tests, and what the computer is telling her, is only 10% of the issue at hand, and should be only 10% of consideration when making a diagnosis.

The other 90% is the patient sitting in front of her, me.

She said any good doctor would know this.

She said that the fact that I’m responding so well to the Methotrexate, and that my inflammation markers are responding to the Methotrexate – which is shown by my labs, makes her think that there is something systemic going on.

That there is something bigger than just regular Osteoarthritis.

That I’m probably dealing with Osteoarthritis and something else.

That something inflammatory is going on that’s autoimmune linked.

And Dr Rocha said that any autoimmune disorder can be “seronegative” – which, I didn’t know that.

She said that’s where the blood work is negative, but every other symptom is positive.

We’ll see what the new Rheumatologist says in January, I’ll for sure know more then.

Because she also said there’s specific imaged arthritis that’s linked to RA, and that bone spurs are Osteoarthritis exclusively – which, I didn’t know that either.

I thought that the bone spurs were linked to RA, but they’re not.

I think I remember my current rheumatologist saying that they look for erosion on the xrays, and I just went back just now and looked at my hand and feet xrays and I see no erosion.

There’s a lot of bone spurs and joint space narrowing.

So, I don’t know what this new Rheumatologist will say.

I’m so fucking nervous.

I just don’t wanna be gaslit again.

I told Dr Rocha that I’m willing to come off of the Methotrexate and try the tests again, and she was totally and completely against that idea.

She said she didn’t want my pain levels to escalate even more and she said she’d rather me wait to talk to the new Rheumatologist and see what she wants to do about things.

And I suppose that’s a good idea.

I really don’t want to come off the Methotrexate anyway.

It’s just starting to be able to kick back in from me starting to come off of it in September when I was gaslighting myself.

I tell you what though, I have been in a fucking flare the last week and a half or so, and it’s most likely – and I’m just putting this together right now, because I went way down to one tablet of Methotrexate for two weeks in a row back in late September, early October.

Fuck.

I didn’t even put those two and two together till just now – that’s why I’m in a flare…

Because I have been hurting the past almost two weeks or so now.

I mean hurting.

My whole body aches.

I feel like I’ve been beaten up.

My hands and feet have been unbearably achy.

My left shoulder has been throbbing.

My knees have been feeling like they’re going to pop out of my body.

My back, but more specifically midback and more-so tailbone have been killing me.

The only position that’s even remotely comfortable is laying just between my back and my right side, and then sitting on the chair at my desk – only because it has a super thick cushion on it that’s made for back support and has the tailbone portion cut out of it so there’s zero pressure right there, at the base of my back.

But my tailbone is so tender.

My whole body is so tender.

I feel bruised everywhere.

I sighed a few times earlier today (it’s Sunday) and my breaths out hurt the top of my fucking knee caps.

Like, it felt like the top of my knees were raw, open wounds as I just breathed out – just because I was breathing.

It’s totally ridiculous.

It’s torture trying to find a comfortable position and then when I move out from that position, it hurts so bad I want to cry.

I mean, my pain levels suck most of the time, but lately, they’ve been way worse than normal.

I know it’s from going off my Methotrexate a few weeks back…

It just hasn’t kicked back in full force yet…

And I know I’ve been stressed about these “abnormal” Lupus Anticoagulant test results too.

And about quitting smoking.

And the stress doesn’t help my pain levels at fucking all.

My neighbor and I were talking about my physical health, and she was asking me what has caused my arthritis and pain levels to be so high at such a young age.

I told her that part of it was just the luck of the draw – I got some recessive genes, I’m pretty sure.

And then the other part is, I’m pretty sure, I hold onto my emotions in my body.

Hannah always says that EMDR works the way it’s supposed to work on me.

Like, you’re supposed to feel these waves of feelings in your body as you work through a memory.

For example, I was working through that fire my brother and I started when we were little (read the entry here) and I was feeling at first, burning embers in my chest and then that merged into waves of cool water slosh over me as I worked through the memory.

Hannah always says that I’m super somatic with EMDR, and that’s how it’s meant to be.

And I think this is why I have so much pain too.

Because I hold onto my emotions in my body.

I literally soak them up, and don’t let them go.

And I was telling my neighbor, I think I’m just wired that way.

Like, I don’t know if there’s any way to change that way of processing and physically holding onto my emotions.

I’ll have to ask Hannah if that’s something I can work on to change or not.

I doubt I can.

I really think I’m just wired this way.

Because I do process through my emotions way better than I used to.

I do work through my shit.

But I do hold onto my feelings, physically too.

I think I always have.

And I don’t know how to let that go – how to change that.

I don’t know how to not physically take on my emotions like that.

But I do know that it’s possible to give yourself an autoimmune disorder from stress and PTSD and CPTSD can bring them on too – along with other physical issues like high blood pressure, inflammation, headaches, insomnia, nausea, and a slew of other things.

That’s another reason why I think it’s wild that mental health and physical health are two separate forms of healthcare, it doesn’t make sense because they’re so tangled together for everyone.

It’s wild because now a couple of days have gone by – it’s now Wednesday, and yesterday, Tuesday, about 2-3 hours after I took my Methotrexate, it felt like a fog had lifted.

I literally felt like I was a snake that had shed its skin.

Suddenly, I didn’t feel so under-the-weather, foggy, and my body didn’t feel as bruised feeling.

And I noticed that when I got up from my desk chair, my knees hurt, but it wasn’t the extreme, excruciating pain that I had been feeling the past couple of weeks, it was suddenly almost tolerable again.

The Methotrexate had kicked in!!

I’m elated!!

I can’t believe it was so quickly after I took the 6th dose, on the 6th week!

I’m seriously shocked!

It’s now the day after the 6th dose, and I don’t feel as good as I did yesterday, but I feel much better than I have the last few weeks still.

So that’s wonderful!

I’m very excited about it!

Hence the exclamation points! 

Ha!

So something autoimmune is going on, for sure.

It’s pretty undeniable now.

Which is scary, and sad, and frustrating…

But also, I sorta knew that already, so it’s nothing too new – I just have to accept it now.

I’m seriously floored at how much less I hurt.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m still in an incredible amount of pain, it’s just not as intense as it was.

And on another exciting point, I was talking to Hannah on Wednesday about my binge eating, and how well I’ve been doing with that lately.

I’ve had a few candy slip-ups within the past two weeks, but that’s really it.

And even those weren’t that terrible.

They’re because I quit smoking, so I went to the 7/11 to get some candy bars and gummy worms.

So, whatever.

I didn’t really over do it, I just ate like shit for a couple of days is all.

And I feel like that’s fair considering I quit smoking.

It’s a trade-off.

As long as I don’t do it all the time, I’m good with it.

But besides those couple of times, I’ve been doing really good.

The really shocking thing is that I’ve even had to remind myself to eat a few times in the last couple of weeks.

Which is, like, totally fucking wild.

I’ve never had to do that before, like, ever.

It’s gotten to be like 6-7pm and I’ve realized I haven’t eaten anything besides, like, my morning protein shake, and so I’ll have to get up and make something.

Even though I haven’t even usually been hungry when I realize this.

So, I basically have to force myself to eat something.

Which is fine.

I really don’t want to go the whole day with just eating a protein shake.

That’s not enough.

Even though I want to lose weight, I want to do it the right way.

Even though I’m not losing weight.

Fucker.

I know I’m offsetting all the good by what I’m doing on the bad days.

Because when I have a bad day, it’s a bad day, and I’ll eat a lot of calories.

Not necessarily by binge eating, but more just by poor choices.

But this “forcing myself to eat” thing has just come about within the last few weeks.

So, I think my medication combo is finally taking charge and working for me.

Even though the only thing that’s changed medication wise is adding the Hydroxyzine.

And I just googled it and it says that Hydroxyzine doesn’t directly cause weight loss, if anything it can cause weight gain.

But the super curious thing it says is that; “For instance, reducing severe anxiety can sometimes normalize a person’s appetite if they previously lost interest in food due to stress…”

What’s curious, is in my case, the opposite could be true.

I think my anxiety was driving my appetite – my anxiety was making me turn to food to cope.

So, the Hydroxyzine, by an indirect effect, is decreasing my appetite, because it has decreased my anxiety.

That’s the coolest thing I’ve heard all day.

So, for me, Hydroxyzine is an appetite suppressant because it decreases my anxiety and for me, my anxiety makes me stress-eat.

Fascinating.

I had no idea.

Because it lines up time-wise, perfectly.

It’s been about 2-3 weeks now of not being as hungry, and that’s exactly when I started the Hydroxyzine full time.

That’s mindblowing.

This is why I write all of these thoughts and whatnot out – because of realizations like this.

I never would’ve put two and two together without writing this stuff down like this.

Never.

Well, maybe not never.

Maybe, maybe.

But still, it would’ve taken me a lot longer than a few weeks to figure out.

So, that’s why I haven’t lost any weight yet.

It hasn’t been long enough, and I’ve been eating too much candy lately with the quitting smoking to offset my good days anyway.

So I’ll stop with the candy now then – at least, as much of it…

And see what happens.

I’m kinda excited!

I seriously cannot believe that my anxiety makes me eat that much.

Well, I guess I can, because it’s stress-eating, really, when it comes down to it.

Dang.

It’s now Thursday, the 12th and I had my hematology appointment this morning.

I officially have the Lupus Anticoagulant clotting disorder.

I officially have to stay on blood thinners for the time being.

I didn’t ask for how long, and I didn’t ask about switching it up to aspirin in the future, because I forgot.

It was a lot to take in at the appointment.

But the blood thinners are probably a life long thing, which I’ve come to terms with.

It’s fine.

It is what it is.

And Dr Braden said that I “dodged a bullet”.

He said I was lucky that I didn’t come into his office with a blood clot that had gone to my brain and had caused a stroke.

And I do feel lucky.

I feel horrible and dismal and drained and terrible.

But I do also feel lucky that I didn’t have a blood clot that went into my brain and rendered me a vegetable that’s completely reliant on others for everything in life and has no cognitive functions anymore and can’t ever live a normal life again.

I do feel lucky for that.

And Dr Braden said that I won’t need any follow up blood work or anything throughout the year.

That the blood thinner will do its job to keep the blood clots at bay, and I’ll be fine.

And that I only need to see him annually to get my prescription and check in with him to see how things are going.

He was super thorough with me.

He went through everything I could’ve ever asked him and I can’t remember over half of it, but I didn’t have any questions when we were done.

We went through the fact that I actually have a choice of blood thinners.

He said I could be on Warfarin/Coumadin, which is what the studies recommend for folks like me.

But, he said they recommend it if I would’ve had an atrial or pulmonary blood clot, not a DVT in the leg like I had – which he said several times I was “more low risk” than the others, which I took great comfort in.

But he said with the Coumadin, I’d have to come in every single week, get a finger prick, my meds would change from one tablet to two or three or vice versa…

And I’d have to really, really watch my diet – eat lots of leafy greens, and stick to a pretty strict diet in general.

He said the other choice is what I’m on now, the Xarelto.

Which is a take it and forget it – I don’t have to watch my diet, there’s no necessary bloodwork or appointments, and I just have to see him the once a year for refills. 

I really did think it over for a few moments.

Because the studies are saying that Coumadin is the best for this situation…

But I decided to stick with my Xarelto. 

Dr Braden said if the chairs were switched, he would’ve made the exact same decision.

That put me at ease.

He’s a really good doctor.

I really like him.

He’s knowledgeable, but not a dick about it.

He’s extremely kind and empathetic.

I appreciate him.

Especially saying that if “the chairs were switched, he’d make the same decision”.

Like, he didn’t have to say that, ya know?

I don’t think I’ve ever had a doctor say that to me, actually.

It’s just so reassuring.

And, I’ve decided to not really google anything about anything to do with this shit.

Maybe in the future I’ll change my mind and get curious.

But for the time being, Dr Braden answered all of my questions.

And he said if I think of any other questions, to just message him in the portal, and he’d get back to me.

And I take comfort in that too.

It’s wild because I was taking some turmeric the other week because of my pain levels – they were through the fucking roof, and I couldn’t take it and I needed some relief of some sort, and turmeric absolutely helps my pain levels, so I took some for a few days.

Well, my gums started bleeding like fucking wild.

Like, first when I was just eating ice cream of all things.

But mainly while I was brushing my teeth.

Blood was legit dripping from my mouth.

And I hadn’t put it together yet, so I messaged Dr Braden’s office asking them if the blood thinners could cause this wild bleeding from my gums.

They were concerned, and told me they’d get back to me, but to follow up with my dentist too.

Then I remembered that I was taking turmeric for a couple of days, so I messaged the nurse if that would affect the excessively bleeding gums, and Dr Braden responded, not the nurse, that yes, in fact, turmeric will cause my gums to exponentially bleed on top of the blood thinners and to discontinue the use of the turmeric now.

And then at the appointment on Thursday, Dr Braden was messing around with me about the turmeric.

He was poking fun and joking with me about it, and asking me if I had taken any more, and asking me how my gums were.

Then he told me that back in the day, the old school doctors used turmeric as a fucking blood thinner!

Wild!

And he said it’s actually the curcumin in it that thins the blood.

So why not just take the turmeric and not the blood thinners?

I mean, My Dad pointed out that I still got a blood clot while taking a shitton of turmeric, so it’s not failsafe in any way, shape, or form.

When I got the blood clot in July, I was taking 6.5g’s of turmeric per day and the daily limit is 8g’s per day.

So I was right up there at the high end.

And I had been doing that for probably, at least a year and a half.

And I had been taking turmeric at lower doses for about a year and a half before then, and off and on for about a decade before then.

So, there’s no telling if the turmeric helped keep my blood thinner over the years, but it still didn’t prevent the blood clot that I got.

My point is that modern blood thinners are absolutely the way to go.

I will not risk a blood clot getting into my brain and me becoming a vegetable for the rest of my life.

It’s not worth it.

But it is pretty wild that it thinned my blood that much more to have my gums drip blood like that!

That’s pretty intense.

And it’s wild they used it as a blood thinner back in the day – that’s pretty cool.

Anyway…

All in all it was a pretty draining week – no blood pun intended.

Yesterday was Friday and I had to take the Toyota in to get the TPMS sensors replaced, and I got home and really just stared at the wall the rest of the day.

I couldn’t do much else.

Between the pain levels finally sorta lifting a bit, the really intense ones at least, and then Thursday being a really, really draining day, that I won’t get into beyond the hematology appointment.

It was just a lot to process.

Well, then I had an interaction afterwards with a friend that was a lot to process too.

It was frustrating, to say the least.

But what counts is that it’s over now.

And I protected myself by separating myself from the situation.

And that’s all I’ll say about that.

So, it’s been an intense week.

And I’m glad it’s over.

– Keren