Category: schizoaffective disorder
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Medications: Part Six
I was just sitting here thinking and realized that my having a better mood is directly coinciding with the rate at which my immunosuppressants for my arthritis have been working. It’s been about eight weeks of the weekly methotrexate and twice daily hydroxychloroquine. And the last two weeks or so I’ve been feeling good. Honestly,…
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My Relationship With Food
I’ve always used food to cover up my feelings. As a coping mechanism. A way to forget what I was so miserable about. I used to tell myself that I don’t use it that way. That food wasn’t an escape. But I was lying to myself. Or unable to see the truth. Or both. As…
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Reframing
I’ve been feeling good the past week. So good I’m on edge waiting for my symptoms to take hold again. It makes me antsy when I have several decent days in a row like I have been this week. Wait, the lack of symptoms makes me uncomfortable because I know what they’re capable of. See,…
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Self Care
I’m still struggling with the emptiness. It’s so abundant. My symptoms of hallucinations and delusions have been very quiet the past several days. It’s odd because it’s not that I miss them when they’re gone. It’s just that, from everywhere, comes such a deafening silence. A sort of calm just before the storm rolls in.…
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Empty
I’ve been feeling very empty lately. Like, unable to see or feel much joy. I’ve been watching shows like Reno911! and News Radio to keep it light and non thinky. Everything’s been too much. And that’s frustrating because everything is too much nowadays. Literally every day I tell myself I’m going to walk more, eat…
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I Have to Balance
I was wondering about my symptoms that broke through last week. Once they started to quiet a little, I could think again. I’ve been thinking about it a lot since it happened actually. And I’m pretty sure that the recent bout of breakthrough symptoms was from attempting to socialize last week. And not just that,…
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The Wash and Fade
I’ve been feeling very, very blah this week. My Invega injection makes me so tired now that I don’t know what to do. I was resting most of this week because i couldn’t do anything else. And that feeling gets old. Throughout it all I’ve still been having breakthrough symptoms. The hallucinations posing as my…
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Bouncing Between Delusions (and Hallucinations)
I got my Invega injection today. And I honestly couldn’t wait for it. I’ve been having some breakthrough symptoms this last weekend. And last week. It felt like all the peace I had with the six or so day run of very few symptoms, disappeared. Quickly at that. It gets exhausting, bouncing back and forth…
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Chatty
I used to be so chatty. I worked retail most all my life, so being paid to be a social butterfly was a good fit for me. But that’s all changed now. And since, I’ve noticed a change in myself too. It’s been ongoing for a while now. Years even. I’ve noticed that I don’t…
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Thoughts vs Auditory Hallucinations
I know it may be a bit hard to imagine what auditory hallucinations sound like. Believe me, I wish that no one would ever experience them. Ever. I wish it wasn’t even an option. But unfortunately it is. And I’d imagine it’s tough to wrap your head around. Because it was for me. I’ve shared…
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Negativity
It may seem as though I’m extremely negative while reading through my writings. That’s because I am. I’ll own it. I’ve grown into the negativity over the years. It’s been doomy in my head for decades now. In my experience, dealing with mental illness will do that. It’s almost impossible, for me, to even see…
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Navigating My Mental Healthcare: Part Two
I can’t even tell you how many therapists and psychiatrists I’ve seen over the years. Dozens. Easily. I currently deal with a doctor that doesn’t really believe me. He gives me the right medications. But when we talk he is judgmental. He holds what others have done, against me. When I was asking if I…
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“Anosognosia” and Delusions
I’m forty years old. And I didn’t understand that the voices I hear are actually hallucinations, until I was thirty eight. I thought they were my thoughts. My internal system. The paranormal. The voices are a nonstop discourse of layered timbres and volumes. They loop over one another. Commenting on my every thought. My every…
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Holding Friends Hostage
Sometimes the people in our life try their best to understand mental illness. And it still falls short. Sometimes the people in our life won’t understand. And it’s not productive to hold that against them. There have been a lot of people in my life that have let me go over the years. For this…
A Delusional Predisposition 