I’m so fucking scared.

My apartment complex just got sold.

And they fired everyone who works here.

I’ve been living here since I moved to Texas, for over four years, and I’m so scared as to what the new owners are going to do.

The original owner was this sweet old man and his family.

They were kind and understanding.

So was everyone that worked here.

Everyone in the office and on the grounds was phenomenal.

And it was a nice, safe community.

We all know each other (for the most part).

So, now what?

Now what the actual fuck is going to happen?

One of the maintenance guys said he was told by the new owners that they want to remodel all of the apartment units in my building.

I live in the only “economy” building in the complex.

It’s all only small, one bedroom units, without a washer and dryer hookup.

Every other unit has a washer and dryer hookup.

So these ones are cheaper because of that option, or lack of option, really.

But the rumor is that they’re going to make everyone move out of their unit in my building, so they can do the remodel.

My lease is up 10.31.26.

I have about five months to get a deposit together and get moved if so.

I also need a new-to-me car after I hopefully get a loan, and go into more debt.

I also have a benefit renewal in a couple of months.

I’m fucking stressed out.

I’m hoping they let me sign another year lease here, at least.

That would be a better time frame for me.

Or, I’d be willing to get a storage unit and move into a hotel for a week or two while they remodel, and move back in.

It’d be a pain in my ass, but I’d do it.

I fucking love this apartment.

I was planning on being here another five years or so.

But I have no idea what these new owners are going to do.

And it’s scary.

I came home early from housesitting my parents house because of it.

I texted my neighbor and asked her if she could come pick me up.

She called me and I was crying because I’m not at home to see what’s going on with the apartments, and I don’t have a fucking car still.

The other hurdle was the fact that they shut off the online rent pay.

That’s what started all of this.

I went to pay rent and it gave me an error message.

So I texted the office to see what I should do.

And that’s when they told me they’d all been let go, and I have to pay May’s rent by cashiers check, or money order.

I told them I didn’t have a car and was 40 minutes outside of town.

One of the gals got ahold of the new owner, and they said I could be late this month, for May, as a “one time courtesy”.

I always pay rent a few days early every single month.

I am not starting out with a new owner by paying late because my parent’s aren’t getting home till the 3rd, and by the 4th, rent is late.

And the 4th is a Monday, so it needs to be in by Friday at the latest.

I was fucking panicked.

Before the office had texted me back, I started literally sweating.

Pouring, dripping sweat for the next four to six hours as I panicked.

The gals told me to not worry.

That it wasn’t something I had to panic over, but it was too late.

I had already went full blown panic attack.

I don’t pay rent late, and I don’t want to start like this!

So I asked my neighbor to come pick me up, and she was there an hour and a half later.

I pulled all the blinds down at my parents house, turned the air up to 78°, locked it up, and left.

On the drive we talked about how neither of us like change.

How it’s always been a community at the complex, and now what will it be?

I’ve lived here for four, formative years.

I have dealt with coming in and out of psychosis here.

I have created a very safe space here for myself.

I’ve dealt with a lot of things here, and I really, really don’t want to move.

I’ve finally gotten stable with my home and place of living, and now these new owners are going to make me move again.

I had texted and called my parents when this happened – to let them know I have to get home.

When they called me back, I told them how the past year or so I’ve realized how safety, stability and security have become the forefront of my most important values.

Sure, love and humor are wonderful.

But if I’m not safe – if I don’t have security, I have nothing.

Safety and security are critical for me, and I feel right now like both are getting ripped out from underneath me.

And I hate this feeling.

I hate the instability of all of this.

It’s now the next day, and I had therapy this morning.

So grateful for therapy, and for Hannah.

We talked about how I’ve traded my anger for feeling my actual feelings.

That, before the last year or so, I would’ve just gotten enraged at all of this, and I would’ve taken it out on everyone.

I would’ve angrily called the office, cussing.

I would’ve gotten mad at myself, and self harmed.

I would’ve been furious.

But instead, now, I’m feeling anxiety and terror, I’m feeling the core issue at hand – the fear of my security being taken away.

It’s not masquerading as something else, like anger, or rage.

It’s real, and it’s raw emotion.

And it’s big feelings.

I’m having a really hard time with how many things are coming at me right now.

And Hannah reminded me that that’s okay, anyone in my position would be extremely stressed and anxious.

It’s a stressful situation.

A stressful time in my life.

But I have all of these tools now to work with.

I have a support system, and things will be how they’re supposed to be.

And Hannah reminded me that I don’t need to figure everything out today, this week, or even this month.

I have no idea what the new complex owners are going to do, and it’s only making me more anxious jumping to conclusions and listening to rumors.

I don’t know if I’m going to get a car loan or not, but if not, there’s nothing I can do about it.

And it does me no good to worry about it.

I don’t know if I’m going to get a benefit renewal, but it does me no good to sit and stew about it.

I bought a pack of cigarettes, and talked about the fact that I bought them in therapy.

Hannah said if I need to smoke right now, so be it.

To do what I need to do to stay calm.

She said she doesn’t condone my smoking, but if that’s what I need to do right now, that’s what I need to do.

It’s the least of my problems.

And they’re helping me calm down.

The ritual is more helpful than the nicotine itself.

Anyway, I’m feeling a bit better this afternoon – after therapy.

I paid rent at least.

I think I need a nap now.

I keep thinking about what my Dad said to me while we were talking – “this, or something better”.

I like that.

I have my “Nourish to Flourish” class this evening, and as much as I don’t feel like getting on Zoom today to go to it, I know it’ll help distract me for a moment.

We’ve talked a lot about stress in those classes, and how detrimental it is to our physical and mental health.

And I’m glad I logged into the class.

We talked about the microbiome and food and stress affects it.

It was fascinating.

And it was amazing yesterday – I had been anxious as hell for about five hours, and when I got home and finished unpacking the bulk of my things, I sat down.

I felt like a freightrain had hit me.

I felt like I had run a marathon – or two.

And Hannah reminded me that I basically did, it was the mental equivalent of it at least.

And she’s right.

I was so anxious I couldn’t stand still.

I was pouring sweat for so many hours.

I had to pack up all of my things at my parents house, tidy up, pack the car when my neighbor got there, pack up Bruce’s things and Bruce, sit in a car for 40min, unpack the car when I got back home, then unpack at home.

All while my anxiety was at a 12 on the 1-10 scale the entire time.

So, no wonder why when I finally got the chance to sit down and start to slowly unwind, that I felt like I had physically ran like three marathons, back to back.

I mentally did.

I’m sick of being so anxious and so worked up.

I’m sick of all this uneasiness.

I’m sick of feeling sick.

And as much as I tell myself to not think about any of it, my mind just keeps reeling.

And I’m just so tired.

– Keren