Category: medication
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I’ve known for quite a long time that something was off with me. That I don’t think. Or act like a typical person. My explosive emotions repel most people. They repel me most times. It’s overwhelming to have big feelings all the time. So when the silence. And nothingness of dissociation takes hold. It throws…
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Medications: Part Five and a Half
This isn’t a full entry. More like a quick update. I got a call from my pharmacy today. Just as I got home from therapy. Regarding another prescription. One for all of the breakthrough symptoms I have. Especially toward the end of my injection cycle. My NP decided to have me take a one mg…
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Medications: Part Five
After my Invega injections I feel much, much, much more like myself. Whoever that is anymore. I got one this last Friday. And I feel a night and day difference. My anger dissipates. I’m calmer. I’m reserved. Reflective. Pensive. Even if and when I do hear something. I can almost completely shrug it off. And…
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Enhancing My Misery
Through the struggle of keeping my darkness at bay. My body is rebelling. Friday the tenth was my fifth and final bilateral knee injection of the series of five that I had to get. Every Friday. For the past five weeks. I’ve had to get injections in both knees. It’s a “gel-like” medication that is…
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Medications: Part Four
Honestly, I have always been awful about taking my meds. Any of them. All of them. I’ve gone days or even weeks without taking them. Then I would start taking them again suddenly and get that roller coaster effect. I would take them for two, maybe three weeks. Then stop again. They didn’t do anything…
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Radical Acceptance
I had a ton of breakthrough symptoms this last week. I was severely triggered by a neighbor. I don’t want to go into detail. So to sum it up, she accused me of something I didn’t do. And believe you me, this did NOT help reduce my already dreadful neighbors-are-out-to-get-me hallucinations. Quite the week proceeded…
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Some Things Are Clicking
I was watching Modern Family today and heard a line that really struck me. A coworker of one of the main characters said “I eat garbage because I am garbage”. And that is exactly why I struggle with my weight. When I think about it. That’s why I never connected the two. The line stings.…
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The Physical Effects of Antipsychotics
Antipsychotics make me feel like a different person. In the best way possible. Bet you weren’t expecting that one! Or maybe you were. I have never had good side effects from a medication. They always cause me intense weight gain. Fogginess. That gray feeling. Until Invega Sustenna. I have had no weight gain. My blood…
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Habits
I’m trying to reframe things in my mind as the weekend is about to hit again. I’ve just been so frustrated with everything the past few weeks. Everything kind of collapsed. I had to just sit and let the anger and annoyance with life wash over me. Run its course. I’m still miserable feeling. Physically…
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Medications: Part Three
Medications are filled with tons of stigma. Especially antipsychotics. Taking them is admitting that I need help. And I can’t do this life on my own. It’s stressful. It’s packed with shame. Especially when folks who don’t have to take medicine, comment on my medicine. Like they understand what I go through. Like they think…
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My Exhaustion
There are nights where I get plenty of solid sleep and still wake up exhausted. I know that part of this is my depression. But another part of my sleepiness is now from being overwhelmed with the difference of my behavior and emotions. My ability to draw a boundary and keep the people pleasing guilt…
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Addiction
For many, many years I have been trying to cover my mental health symptoms with substances. Especially my psychosis. Alcohol, pills, anything that I could get my hands on. I was in rehab about 10 years ago, and I remember talking in a group session about how I never thought I’d really hit rock bottom…
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Medications: Part Two
I was taken off of my Seroquel due to severe physical side effects and complications. At my psych appointment in August, I was to stop the rest of both my Geodon and Seroquel within about a three day period. Of course, me being me, I immediately stopped both and let the new medication of 4mg…
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Paranoia, Hallucination and Delusion
As long as I can remember it’s felt like someone is watching me. I have “heard” friends talking about me since I was fifteen. When I look at the few memories I have, it feels like there was always someone, something waiting, whispering, watching me just out of view. The voices are always just out…
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Sensing Mania
I’ve been so tired the last couple of weeks – I know it’s from my medication changes. My doctors took me off of my Seroquel and Geodon and put me on Risperidone until I can get in next Wednesday for the first Invega injection. After the first two weeks of one injection per week, I’ll…
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Changes
During the past month I’ve been noticing that I have very high blood pressure and quite a bit of chest pains. I didn’t even think about them being from my Seroquel until last Friday. I noticed that overall, I hadn’t been feeling well lately, especially within these last couple of weeks. I didn’t think too…
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Therapy
I have been in and out of talk therapy for quite some time. I was made to go when I was younger. Because, even at a young age, the darkness and doom engulfed my core being. I was originally sent to talk to a middle aged woman named Judy. I remember having to draw my…
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Splitting
I can easily split into a completely different version of myself. Splitting turns me into a person that has an impossible time separating my behaviors from my personality. It’s like my emotions completely take over my mind and body and I lose control of my actions. It feels like someone else is behind the wheel. …
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Medications: Part One
My Seroquel dose was upped again this week. I’m writing this entry through very heavy eyelids. A big downfall for me has always been how exhausted my psych meds can make me. I have taken Synthroid every day since birth, but, psych meds are on a totally different level for me. They work much deeper…
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The Start
When I’m in a high stress situation, I shut down or switch over or snap or split. These actions are attempts at self preservation – and also surface from subconscious neurological misfirings. It’s fear of abandonment. It’s fear of rejection. It’s self sabotage. It’s self loathing. It’s pushing someone I love away because it’s easier…
A Delusional Predisposition 