Medications: Part Four

Honestly, I have always been awful about taking my meds.

Any of them.

All of them.

I’ve gone days or even weeks without taking them.

Then I would start taking them again suddenly and get that roller coaster effect.

I would take them for two, maybe three weeks.

Then stop again.

They didn’t do anything anyway.

Right?

But mostly it was just because I’d forget to.

For days at a time.

Weeks.

I couldn’t tell you why.

Or how.

It just was like that.

I tried to change.

But I couldn’t.

Schedules never worked for me.

I tried and failed.

Besides, I’m fine.

I’m eccentric.

Or whatever.

Most of the time, I think it was too painful to try to help myself.

And I didn’t know where to start.

That means I have to understand myself.

And sense that my darkness is everywhere in me.

Everywhere.

For most of my life, I lacked the insight to see my mental illness.

Therefore I didn’t treat it like the chronic disorder that it is.

I tried to band aid it.

And cover it up.

Shove it away and down.

I had never tried to “treat” my brain before now.

I had never attempted to give a shit.

I didn’t think it really mattered.

I thought I was just fucking hopeless.

No medicine would ever work for me anyway.

Then I got out of the hospital last year.

I had to do something about my shit life.

I know I feel like medication doesn’t work.

But I admitted to myself that I never gave it any weight.

They always took a back seat.

Once some of the meds started sorta, helping.

Only then I thought to start organizing my meds.

And making a schedule.

And sticking to it like glue.

I set alarms in my phone that went off throughout the day.

I got pill organizers and used those for several months.

A few months ago now I got an app that bugs me when it’s time to take my meds.

And doesn’t quit.

It reminds you every ten minutes to take the meds.

Even if I snooze it.

Until you hit a specific button.

It’s nice.

I can go about my day.

And have all of my meds on a set schedule.

Without having to do much.

Everyday.

I take the same medications at the same time now.

I’ve been really good at it since starting last year.

Because I’m trying to do things differently.

Little things.

That turn into big things.

Noncompliance with meds is worse with those that need it most.

I understand I’m included in that now.

That without my medications my symptoms will return.

I have to take Synthroid everyday too.

I have ever since I was just a few days old.

The rules are to take it before food and not around other meds.

If either one happens, I shouldn’t take it for anywhere from thirty minutes to four hours.

It depends on what was ingested.

Annoying, right?

So, typically, the doctors tell me to take it thirty minutes to an hour or so before breakfast.

Everyday.

Did I do this after I left my parent’s house?

No.

Did I do this without my mom’s request/demand for me to take my medicine?

No.

No I didn’t. 

I could never remember.

Not for the life of me.

Cell phones didn’t exist back then.

I didn’t think about resetting my alarm or anything like that.

I was okay at it until other meds got mixed in.

And the rules lengthened.

And my mind got twisted up.

Then I would just take everything at the same time for years and years and years.

When I’d remember them at all that is.

To hell with the rules.

They don’t apply to me.

Meds have always been a big chore for me.

It’s not easy to get on a schedule.

But honestly, it’s relieving to be on one now.

It’s like I don’t have to worry about my meds.

I don’t have to think about them.

Or wonder if I took them or not yet.

Did I?

Didn’t I?

Shit.

I just realized I haven’t even been on this taking-my-meds-at-the-same-time-everyday schedule for a year yet.

It’s close.

But dang.

Twenty five years of symptoms and shituations.

And it just clicked last year that I should for sure be on a set schedule with my meds.

Now I can almost sense my app reminders.

I tend to look at the clock about ten to fifteen minutes before the notification.

To totally change the subject but not really.

I have an appointment with my NP at the mental health clinic on Tuesday.

I am hopeful that we can finally change my Effexor back to Zoloft.

I was on Zoloft for a very long time.

And have only been on Effexor for a few years.

I’m not a huge fan of it.

I get what it does.

How it’s trying to work.

But it’s seemingly missing something for me.

I think switching back to Zoloft may very well help me last the full twenty eight days between Invega injections.

It’s worth a shot to try it again.

I just went off of it because I had been on it for so long.

I felt as though it wasn’t working anymore.

That I needed a break from it.

But it’s been a few years.

And I think/hope that it may help with the lingering, breakthrough shit that happens.

And with this fucking depression.

I have been feeling better this week.

But the past few months have been tough.

I don’t talk about it on every entry because it’s cringy.

But it’s there.

Gripping and squeezing my mind.

Trying it’s hardest to overwhelm me and my senses.

I’m hopeful the med change will really be the icing on the cake for me.

I’ve been putting in so much work for myself.

I could use a little help.

– Keren