Tag: habits
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Mascara
I put on mascara the other day. For the first time in months. I didn’t even go anywhere. I haven’t been looking that great lately. Physically. Not saying I look terrible. Just saying that I have been putting in zero effort towards my appearance. It takes a lot of energy to work on my mental…
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The Blockage
It’s been three weeks. Only. And already. Three weeks since I started the daily Risperidone tablets. And only about one week since starting it twice a day. My goodness! How quickly my mood. And ability to think. Changed. In that time frame. I’ve been able to piece things together. Slowly. And be reflective. Carefully. I…
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2020
I’ve been pretty reflective the past couple days. I’m glad to be able to be today. It’s not always an option for me. I was thinking about my divorce. It was finalized three years ago last month. I was thinking about how my mental illnesses showed up outside of myself much more often after it.…
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When My Anger Shows
I get so frustrated with myself. I’m still mad at myself. About raising my voice at the dentist’s office the other day. I hate that I do that shit. It’s super unhealthy. I don’t know why I do it. I can think today. So I’m trying to reflect. Why the fuck do I get so…
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Disconnections
I realized I had a tooth ache on Sunday. I say that because I knew something was off. I knew my cheek had been sore. The past week or two. I’ve noticed some chewing issues. But it didn’t click. It didn’t register that my teeth were the issue. After my last injection last Friday. Like,…
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Emotional Eating
I always denied being an emotional eater. But I eat all the time. I’m usually not even hungry when I do. I’m also sad all the time. And angry. And anxious. So it can all blend together. But honestly, I didn’t think any of it really overlapped. Or really tied into one another. But they…
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Patterns of Good and Bad
Now that I don’t eat cheese. I see tons of commercials for it. Every style. Every type. Pizza commercials are the worst. It’s torture. I just get so uncomfortable. And it’s apparent directly after eating it. So much so that it’s not worth it. An hour of cheese leads to a solid week of bloating…
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Medications: Part Four
Honestly, I have always been awful about taking my meds. Any of them. All of them. I’ve gone days or even weeks without taking them. Then I would start taking them again suddenly and get that roller coaster effect. I would take them for two, maybe three weeks. Then stop again. They didn’t do anything…
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An Empty Parking Lot
I feel as though I’ve helped destroy my life. Well, let me rephrase that. I feel as though mental illness has helped destroy my life. My symptoms. My lack of decent behaviors. My shit coping mechanisms. My complete lack of insight till recently. It’s tough getting out of these cycles of chaos. They’re so habitual…
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The Bigger Picture
I feel like there are so many things I haven’t been able to comprehend. Especially over the span of my lifetime. I know I’ve said things like this in past entries too. And it’s tough to describe. But not many things “clicked” until recently. And recently, a lot of things have been making more sense…
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Some Things Are Clicking
I was watching Modern Family today and heard a line that really struck me. A coworker of one of the main characters said “I eat garbage because I am garbage”. And that is exactly why I struggle with my weight. When I think about it. That’s why I never connected the two. The line stings.…
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Friends: Part Two
I used to get so frustrated with some of my friends. I mean, almost enraged at times. And I was never afraid to show it. With actions or words. Or tone of voice. I never said I wasn’t toxic before antipsychotics. There would be certain people. Usually friends of friends. Acquaintances. That would irk me…
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Habits
I’m trying to reframe things in my mind as the weekend is about to hit again. I’ve just been so frustrated with everything the past few weeks. Everything kind of collapsed. I had to just sit and let the anger and annoyance with life wash over me. Run its course. I’m still miserable feeling. Physically…
A Delusional Predisposition 