So, it’s Monday.

It’s been a day.

Up and down.

It started alright, made a couple of phone calls – made an appointment with my pain management doctor for a follow up after my nano PRP injections at the end of the month.

So, that’s on the 5th of June.

My nano PRP injections are on the 29th, so, next Friday.

I also called Andrea, the nurse for my psych NP.

I asked her to talk to the NP, to see if we could switch it up a bit.

I don’t think things are working all that well.

I wanted to see if we could change my Paliperidone to 9mg, and add .Abilify 5mg – like the NP and I had talked about doing the last few times I’ve had a session.

Because I’m still having symptoms and I just want them to stop.

And I don’t know if they will again, that’s the thing.

So she called me back about an hour later and told me that my NP wants me to just switch to Abilify all together.

I started crying.

I told her that him and I have talked about this, several times over.

That I have been on Abilify in the past, for about 5 years, and it didn’t do a good job of curbing my symptoms, but I was curious if it would help in conjunction with the Paliperidone.

That the Paliperidone has been a literal gamechanger for me, and I can remember I went on it – in August of 2022.

That I refuse to come off of it.

That this is why I don’t fucking call them when I’m doing bad.

Because he always wants to switch everything up.

I told her, the thing is, he always says the voices are supposed to be gone on medication, and I was undermedicated and mismedicated for decades and I really don’t think mine will ever truly go away.

I just want to get to a point where they’re tolerable again.

She then thankfully validated me by saying that she doesn’t think they’ll ever truly go away either.

That she hears me.

That they will not stop my Paliperidone, and they’ll figure something out.

That I’ve perfectly explained my situation and that she hears me.

That sometimes my psych NP is easier to talk to in person so she very well just may do that.

And she’s right – he is easier to talk to in person sometimes.

(he’s in the office on Tuesday’s only too)

So, I didn’t hear back from her today.

Frustrating, but I guess she’s decided to just talk with him in person tomorrow.

Best believe that I’m calling her in the morning though.

Because she had also said that he would fill my Clonazepam on Thursday of last week, and that has yet to be done.

So, I’m also anxious about that too.

The better thing that happened today was that I had an appointment with my primary care doctor.

I love her even more after today.

She is one of the most validating doctors I’ve ever had.

I had said last time about how I had to beg the front office to schedule me with her, right?

Well, she put in my chart to schedule me with her only.

Very slick.

And I told her about everything, because the last time I saw her was about a week before the airbags deployed in the Pilot.

So I word vomited everything that has been going on, and she listened, and then asked me what she could do to help.

I first asked her about my Propranolol. 

I was hoping we could go up to 40mg tablets for my anxiety issues, because I always have to take at least two of the 20mg’s to get my heart rate even remotely to a better place on pretty much a daily basis.

She did me one better.

She gave me a 60mg extended release to take daily, and then renewed my 20mg prescription of instant release as well – for breakthrough heart rate increases, and panic attacks.

She told me I could take two of the 20mg, up to three times a day.

I told her about three weeks or so of being off of the Topiramate, 

And how I realized how much it was doing for my mood stability, headaches, and appetite suppression – but especially my mood stability.

I asked her if we could up it a bit right now while I try to regain some more stability, and without hesitation she said “absolutely”.

So she sent in all three of those prescriptions to the pharmacy right then.

Unfortunately, she cannot write a new ESA letter for the year, but I have a couple of other folks working on that too, so I’m hoping someone else can do that.

So that was disappointing, but okay.

She said that someone had written an ESA letter a few years back, and the dog ended up chewing up an apartment, and the landlord came after the doctor who wrote the letter.

Seems silly, but I’m not a lawyer, so I don’t know.

I asked her for a referral to physical therapy – for my knees and super stiff legs.

She sent one.

She sent another referral for the year to the endocrinologist.

She wants me to see him again for the high Prolactin levels – ugh.

But that’s fine, I’ll do it, I’ll go see him again, he’s nice.

We then just kinda sat there, and talked for a few minutes.

She told me to try and think of all the things that are going right.

That for some reason, when one door closes, another one opens.

(I told her about my apartment complex being sold and me having to move soon too… along with everything else)

She also told me that she was so grateful that I found her.

And that she was grateful I know my body well enough to be able to tell her what will work for me, and for my anxiety, and that she’s so glad that she can write these prescriptions for me, and give me some relief.

She said she was happy to be there for me because I kept thanking her for being here.

For listening.

For validating.

She told me that I’ll get through everything.

And when she went to leave she told me about the online portal where I can message her directly.

She sent me an invite.

I legit told her “I love you” as she walked out the door, ha!

And she said she loves me too.

That was sweet.

When I got home, I sent her a thank you message online.

And I jokingly said at the end (by the way, I found the portal!!!).

I hope she reads it on a day where she needs a pep talk.

There’s nothing like a good doctor.

Especially nowadays.

They’re few and far between.

I feel lucky for the care team I have right now.

It’s now Thursday.

Boy oh boy has it been a week!

I got a bank loan!!

Y’all, I, a schizophrenic, recovering addict, got a bank loan for a fucking new to me car on Tuesday!

I am so excited!

And, my Dad and I went car shopping yesterday and we found, at the end of the day, after walking into the wrong location of the same dealership we planned on going to, an amazing vehicle.

A 2017 Toyota RAV4.

I bought it.

Y’all, I have a fucking car again!

WIth my Dad cosigning with me, of course.

So, it was for sure a joint (ad)venture.

But it was such a fun (and exhausting) day.

We test drove several cars.

And I just sat in a few too, getting a feel of some others.

But the first RAV4 I drove, I really, really liked.

I surprisingly liked, a lot.

I didn’t want that one, it was sorta tore up, but I loved the way it handled and felt.

So when we found another one, that was in pristine condition, with only one past owner, and a decent amount of miles, I scooped it up.

I thought for sure that I was going to get a Subaru.

That’s what I had my heart set on at first.

But after I drove the RAV4, I loved it so much, we went up to Austin and had another one on the list to look at.

We stopped at a few places on the way.

But when we got to the dealership with the other RAV4, I fell in love.

But get this – it wasn’t the dealership with the RAV4 on my list.

We stopped at the Central location.

Not the South location like I had planned on – same company, right, just different locations.

But the central location had a RAV4 too, and the saleslady was so adorable and fun, and her name was Mel – and my Dad’s name is Mel too!

And get this – the guy at the South dealership location blew up my phone when I told him the GPS accidentally took us to the Central location.

He said he had been “holding the keys for me” for this Toyota Highlander I had on my list…

I just texted back “Do you man”…

Then he proceeded to call me and text me about ten times total.

Mel, the saleslady kept asking, “is that him again?” 

And I said “Someone should fire him.”

And as we test drove my new car – we all laughed and laughed.

Anyway, It’s super shiny, black, with a moonroof, and slick, tinted windows.

Perfect.

I love the way that it drives.

I’m just so geeked to have a good, newer car.

This is the first time in my life that I’ve had this nice of a car.

I mean, the inside is pristine.

And I updated my insurance today, and got real good coverage for a real fair price.

And the gal who I spoke with through my insurance company was amazing too.

Such a peach.

So, I’m happy all the way around.

I told my Dad yesterday after I got off the phone with the bank – we had to up the loan a couple thousand dollars.

That they gave more money to a schizophrenic, recovering drug addict, and it feels so good.

I’m regaining my sense of credibility.

I’m showing the world that I’m capable of doing hard things.

And the most important thing – is that I’m putting in the work, and it’s showing, ya know?

And I didn’t think I was even going to get the loan.

I sat there on Tuesday afternoon, staring at the “Congratulations!” at the top of the loan screen just shocked.

Utterly shocked.

I kept telling my Dad – “I’m in shock.”

“I’m in shock.”

“I’m in fucking shock.”

He just laughed and kept telling me “I knew you’d get the loan, Keren, I knew you’d get it.”

I was just stunned, sitting there staring at the screen, stunned.

And spending that amount of money made me a bit anxious, I’m not gonna lie.

Dad said it took me a really, really long time to make a decision, and finally say yes to the Toyota.

I wanted the car fax printed first.

I wanted the mechanical work printed first.

This, that, and the other before finally saying “yes”.

Hours ticked by – literally.

Then I finally said yes, I’ll buy it.

You never know what’s gonna happen when you walk into the wrong dealership! 

The best thing may come along!

When we went into the loan officers room at the dealership to confirm the financing from the bank, he totally scared me.

We sat down and he said “there were only two options your bank gave me.”

And suddenly went into a spheal about these two different warranty options.

And then all of a sudden he stopped talking and I realized he was waiting for me to respond.

I said – so, did you not get confirmation from the bank?

Do I not have the loan for the car or something?

(I was in a slight panic because I wasn’t really sure what he meant about these being the “only two options from your bank”)

He kinda chuckled and said, no, no, the loan is good, the car is yours, these are warranties.

And I sighed a huge sigh and said oh thank god!

Oh whew!

I did not know what you meant by that!

And we all started laughing as my hands pulled down my face in relief.

I looked over and my Dad was laughing and just shaking his head at me.

The loan officer asked me later what did I think he was talking about at that time?

And I said I literally didn’t know, that’s why I was so confused.

This is my first time buying through a dealership like this.

And we all laughed again.

There were a lot of laughs at that dealership – everyone there was sweet and funny.

It was a great experience.

I need to leave them a review, for sure.

It’s been an intense week y’all.

Full of ups and downs.

I made a huge commitment.

I am still having some breakthrough symptoms.

Still under stressors.

But upping the Paiperidone back up to 12mg was the best move for me. 

My psych NP, when Andrea called me back again, told me to just take the Haloperidol as a prn.

Like, great idea, thanks, that’s exactly why I wanted to switch things up.

I don’t feel like it’s working all that well.

But whatever.

I have an appointment with him on June 9th, so soon enough I’ll see him face to face, and then it’ll be a better experience.

Hopefully.

Brenda, my functional medicine nutritionist, wants me to up my Niacin a bit, so I started that today (Sunday).

I asked her if I should do that instead of doing the Haloperidol as a prn.

And she said no – in conjunction with the Halopeirdol.

And she said she didn’t want me to continue to suffer.

I thought that was really good advice.

And I wasn’t expecting her to say that.

So, that’s what I’m gonna do.

But all things said, all hallucinations included, it’s still been a really great week.

– Keren