Tag: voices
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The Birds
Things have been really quiet this weekend again. Which is surprising. I get my injection on Tuesday. And I’m kinda thrilled for it. Normally by now the radio noise would’ve merged into voices. And they would’ve been incessant. But today I hear the birds. Which I have only been noticing the past couple of days.…
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Medication Adjustments
This is my 70th entry. This one right here. I never thought I’d continue to follow through with this blog. It’s rewarding. Therapeutic. Satisfying. And I’m getting quite proud of my continued growth. I was looking at some of my old posts. Because things have been much clearer lately. I can actually say confidently. That…
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A Sense of Myself
I have had a significant decrease in symptoms this week. Like, night and day difference. That Risperidone that was added a few weeks ago. Is amazing. In combination with the Invega. Flooring. I’m shook by how much better I feel. I didn’t know this could happen. This quietness. And fading darkness. I’m so glad my…
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Medications: Part Five and a Half
This isn’t a full entry. More like a quick update. I got a call from my pharmacy today. Just as I got home from therapy. Regarding another prescription. One for all of the breakthrough symptoms I have. Especially toward the end of my injection cycle. My NP decided to have me take a one mg…
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Medications: Part Five
After my Invega injections I feel much, much, much more like myself. Whoever that is anymore. I got one this last Friday. And I feel a night and day difference. My anger dissipates. I’m calmer. I’m reserved. Reflective. Pensive. Even if and when I do hear something. I can almost completely shrug it off. And…
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Explaining
I’m realizing that I have a very difficult time explaining what I’m going through. Verbally, that is. I’ve always faltered with my verbal communication. I’ll admit that I’m horrible at it. It’s been one of those repetitive issues in my life. And I never even realized how much the voices alter my ability to comprehend…
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Randomly Consistent
I have a hard time remembering what I was just going to say. It’s like my brain just stops. Or backtracks. And I go completely blank. A lot of times it never comes back to me. But sometimes I can recall it. If someone is helping me. My therapist is used to this from me…
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Fading Into
The slight amount of happiness I was feeling. From having a glimpse of contentedness. Has faded into a state of semi-darkness. It’s not full blown. And I have had to remind myself I’m in the middle of another fucking med change. And it was my idea to switch it back. So I shouldn’t bitch. But…
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Being Social
I haven’t posted back to back entries in a while. I wanted to tell y’all what I did. After sifting through myself. My attempt at adding logic to it. And debating what was the issue at hand. I got back on facebook yesterday. I need to be social. I’m craving it. Even if just through…
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Appointment Reminders
My mental health clinic texts me appointment reminders. And since they got this service. I have been getting SO many reminder texts. I honestly thought that they had plugged my phone number into a place holder account or something. Because these stupid fucking reminders are not for me. They need to figure this shit out.…
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Climbing Out of an Episode
Everything was really rough for around ten to twelve days. I finally started snapping out of it on Thursday. My therapist is convinced that my neighbor accusing me triggered me into an episode. I agree with her. Honestly, things had been going really well until that. I almost forgot breakthrough episodes were possible. Symptoms, sure.…
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Radical Acceptance
I had a ton of breakthrough symptoms this last week. I was severely triggered by a neighbor. I don’t want to go into detail. So to sum it up, she accused me of something I didn’t do. And believe you me, this did NOT help reduce my already dreadful neighbors-are-out-to-get-me hallucinations. Quite the week proceeded…
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Some Things Are Clicking
I was watching Modern Family today and heard a line that really struck me. A coworker of one of the main characters said “I eat garbage because I am garbage”. And that is exactly why I struggle with my weight. When I think about it. That’s why I never connected the two. The line stings.…
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Audio Hallucinations
I have been thinking about documenting the voices like this for a while now. I did it a few times (that I can find) in my journal from this time last year. Reading my writings from a full psychosis episode is hard. They’re all over the place and really triggering. This post may be triggering…
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Friends: Part Two
I used to get so frustrated with some of my friends. I mean, almost enraged at times. And I was never afraid to show it. With actions or words. Or tone of voice. I never said I wasn’t toxic before antipsychotics. There would be certain people. Usually friends of friends. Acquaintances. That would irk me…
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The Neighbor Hallucination
It’s an on going thing for me. Hallucinations are. I hear the neighbors talk about me. Every fucking day. Sometimes I can ignore it. But it’s incessant. It’s been happening for many years now. The last few years they have been narrating what I do every single day. It’s every single time I go outside.…
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Group Therapy
I tried to do a group meeting this week. It was on Tuesday night. It was hosted through NAMI. I let my paranoia get the best of me though. I was late for the meeting. My laptop was being frustrating at the moment. Probably because I was in a rush. So I joined nine minutes…
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My Needs and Boundaries
I have been trying very hard lately to set boundaries. It’s tough. Some times are better than others. Especially in regards to follow through. I can set as many as I want. But the follow through is incredibly difficult. I tend to sort-of let people know what I need. Basically, I say okay a lot.…
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Everything’s Different
My memory is shot. I feel like my capacity to remember anything has been cut in half since I was in my twenties. And I couldn’t remember anything back then either. It feels like these psychosis symptoms leave holes. They create a time warp for sure. The middle of the night could be two in…
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There But Not Here
Disappointments come in every shape and form. Failure, miscalculation, misfortune. They can make the future seem bleak in a millisecond. Whatever the situation was, it cycles over and over and over in my mind. I obsess and obsess and obsess. What can I even remember? Nothing really. Why did I do that? I have no…
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Homesick
I’m noticing that my depression is rearing its ugly head. It’s surfacing pretty gradually this go-around. Sometimes it hits like a freight train though. It’s self loathing and doubt. It’s soul crushing shit. With the voices and everything that take over, sometimes I can dismiss my depression symptoms as part of everything else. But after…
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Engage the Rage
I think the type of anger I have is a little closer to rage. A thick, stifling, deep, dark red rage. It sometimes feels like my blood is literally boiling under my skin. Bubbling up at least. I can feel it in my veins when I’m angry. My face flushes. I become aggressive and unpredictable.…
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Dissociation and Memories
I have an extremely difficult time remembering anything. Not just a few things in my life. Not just a couple of years. Most of them. I don’t remember much before the age of 12. Since then, there are really big pockets of blankness. Bits and pieces of memory here and there. If I’m lucky. Most…
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Self Harm *Trigger Warning*
I know this topic is very sensitive. I normally don’t put individual trigger warnings on my posts, but this one needs it. So, consider yourself warned. I have been writing off and on about this all week. I debated posting this at all. It’s hard to have the balance of not glorifying it, and also…
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Loaded Questions
I have been very awkward in public lately. I’m terrified of people talking to me. Or about me. Probably because I always feel like people are talking about me. One harmless side glance starts a wave of paranoid thoughts through me sometimes. I haven’t been able to communicate well with strangers at all recently. “How…
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Inner Voices
It’s been long enough that I don’t feel like I’ll ruin it if I bring it up now. My inner voices have been beautifully silent lately. It’s been about three weeks now. These are not the same voices I have been mainly talking about. These are different. These are in my head. In my thoughts.…
A Delusional Predisposition 