I was in therapy today and we realized that after Tuesday the 29th, I don’t have another doctor appointment for a month.

An entire month, y’all.

I think that’s a record for the last year or so.

I’m sure that I’ll have a lumbar ablation (RFA) follow up scheduled within that time frame on Friday.

Because I do have my L4-L5 lumbar ablation on Friday this week.

Well, it was last week by the time I’ve posted this, on Friday the 25th.

So I’m sure they’ll do a follow up in a couple of weeks that I’ll add to my calendar.

I’m getting a new coffee table this weekend.

Well, I just ordered it and it won’t be here till Tuesday, but still.

I realized this week that the coffee table that I have is the very last thing I have in my possession that I acquired with my ex husband.

I can’t believe I’ve held on to it this long and it didn’t really click that I still had it from that time period.

It’s got a lot of cool stickers on it, that’s why.

I know that’s why.

But a lot of them are weed stickers, and I haven’t used in quite a long while now.

So not only is it out of date with what my lifestyle is about nowadays, I got it when I was with the asshat.

I even remember picking it up with him now that I really think about it.

Yuck.

So, it’s gotta go.

I found a cute little half sized coffee table on amazon for under $40.

I’m gonna get it.

It’s got a little shelf and two cloth drawers in it that pull out on either side – not length wise, on the ends of it.

It’s cute.

It matches my other furniture in here, for the most part.

It’s darker veneer, so it’ll fit in fine.

The cloth drawers are dark brown.

They have another one where the drawers are black, but I didn’t like that one as much.

But I made the mistake of ordering it, then looking at the reviews…

The reviews aren’t so great.

So, I tried to cancel it and it was already in process, so I’ll have to just take it to the UPS store once it gets here which is such a waste of everyone’s time and energy.

I hate it when they do shit like that.

Anyway, I found a different one on fb marketplace for $20 more.

The guy is gonna meet me halfway and help me load it in the Toyota.

And it looks brand new.

It’s the one in the photo above.

There’s lots of storage and it’s almost the perfect size to still have an ottoman if I want.

It’s really a touch longer than what I was looking for.

But it’s really hard to find a coffee table under 40 inches long, and this one is 43.

So, very, very close.

It’ll be good to get that very last piece of him out of my fucking living room.

And out of my life.

It’s fucking wild, because every single time I think everything is gone from that time in my life, I find something else that’s seriously just sitting in plain sight, and I have to toss it.

But I’m 99.9% sure that’s the very last thing.

I think.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to get an ottoman for the other side of the table too.

To take up the other third of the front of the couch.

Either that, or my Dad had an idea to just get a cushion for the top of the table that doesn’t pull up and use that as a footrest.

Which, I did find a rectanglar pillow, which I didn’t even know that they made something like that, and the measurements are perfect.

So, I think I’ll probably order something like that here in the next few weeks or so, see how that works out.

I don’t have room for a recliner in here.

Well, I do.

But I’d have to get rid of either my computer desk, or my treadmill.

And I’m not willing to get rid of either of them.

So, I’m doing the smaller coffee table and the pillow idea instead.

Because I have to have something to put my feet up on that doesn’t require me to completely lay down all the time.

Because right now, if I want to elevate my legs to keep the swelling or discoloration in my legs and feet down, I have to lay down on the couch.

It’s super uncomfortable for my back to sit up and have my feet stretched out to the side.

I have no back support that way, and then my back and neck start killing me.

So, I always just end up laying down.

Then I usually end up falling asleep which fucks with my sleep schedule at night, and then I can’t get to sleep until like 2:00 or 3:00am…

It fucking sucks.

So, I need an alternative.

And I know the pillow would work perfectly.

It gives me back support with leg and foot elevation.

So, that’s what I’m going to do.

I used to put my feet up on my old coffee table too, but it was so low that it didn’t do much.

This table sits a lot higher up than the old one did.

It ties the room together a lot better too.

Anyway…

Enough furniture and exhusband talk.

Fuck that guy.

I was talking in therapy this week about my auditory hallucinations. 

And how I’ve been trying to not pay certain ones as much attention as I have in the past.

It’s probably one of the more difficult things I’ve been doing lately.

They’re so fucking hard to tune out.

It seems impossible sometimes.

Because it is impossible sometimes.

But other times, I noticed myself almost straining to hear what they are saying about me.

And I’m trying really, really hard to not do that anymore.

To just let them talk shit about me and not really hear the context sometimes.

Which is semi-maddening within itself.

So it’s maddening to hear them in the first place.

And then it’s maddening to not be able to exactly hear what they’re talking about at the same time.

Because I’ll just hear bits and pieces of the conversation and back and forths.

I’ll hear a lot of “she’s doing ____” and “she’s _____”.

They just like to fuck with me honestly.

But I realized that if I stop trying to zone in on what they’re saying, my anxiety and paranoia doesn’t spike as much.

And even though I’ll just hear the “she’s doing ____” or whatever, I’m trying to not get interested in the rest of the sentence and trying to just fucking let it go.

And mind you, this has taken time and patience and a lot of therapy to do.

This has taken a shit ton of fucking work to be able to not zone in on the voices at times like this.

And like I said, it’s not always possible.

The conversations that I’m talking about are in passing.

These are the background, distant crowd like conversations that take place.

This is not the in my ear conversation that’s directly to my side or behind me.

This is not the back and forth that is deafening and impossible to ignore.

These are the ones that happen when I’m comfortable and not in a high stress situation already.

When I’m in stores or in restaurants – those are still quite a bit tougher for me.

But I’m getting there.

The unchecked psychotic break that I had for fucking years really distorted my sense of reality and I feel like it’s taken this long – about 4-5 years, to even be attempting to be able to function at a normal level at times.

Because mind you too, I was in and out of misdiagnosed psychosis for 20+ years.

So the damage has been done.

I remember zoning in on people talking about me while walking my first dog, Otto, around the parks of Lansing, Michigan, when I lived there back in 2006-2010 or so.

People would be talking about what I was doing, thinking, feeling and seeing etc… and I’d zone in on it back then too.

So this isn’t a short-term issue that I’ve been attempting to overcome.

This is deep rooted, and it’s been happening for quite some time.

So, it’s taking a long time to be able to take its grip off of me.

And it never fully will.

These are the background voices that I’m talking about.

The ones who are constantly there when I’m outside, out and about…

They fill the silence when I don’t want them to.

They cover up the sounds of the birds.

So, I’ve found that if I can zone in on the sounds of the birds, rather than the voices conversations, my heart rate increases, but not as much.

I don’t become as obsessed with what they’re discussing like I can be.

Because when I do zone in on what they’re saying, it’s like I do obsess over it.

I hang on their every word trying to make out what exactly it is that they’re saying.

Everything that they’re saying.

When they don’t want me to hear everything in the first place because they’ll drop words and ends of sentences anyway..

So it’s borderline torture to try and figure out everything that’s being said in the first place.

It’s like another way to drive myself mad.

So, I’m attempting to stop.

Or at least slow it down when I notice that I’m doing it.

When I realize that I’m tuning into the voice’s conversation I just notice so many fucking negative things.

My chest is tight.

My heart is racing.

My body is tense.

My breath is shallow.

My eyes are darting back and forth.

I get hypervigilant as fuck.

I’ll usually start walking faster if I’m walking, or tense up my arms or legs if I’m sitting.

It’s like I shut down to everything else, and hone in on just the conversation.

I become infatuated with what the voices are fucking saying and tune the rest of everything else out.

And it just increases all of these physical symptoms.

And paranoia.

And anxiety.

It’s absurd how I can’t focus on anything else when the voices are present.

I feel like I have to focus on them.

Like I have to hear everything that they’re saying or else I’ll miss something.

What? I don’t know.

It’s like a compulsion.

But I figure if I can try, just try, to not focus in on every little thing the voices feel the need to say…

If I can, it’s not ignore, because they’re impossible to ignore, but, if I can just tune their words into a different area of my mind somehow..

Like, you know how you can be listening to someone talking to you right in front of you, but not actually hear anything they’ve said?

That.

I need to be able to do that with these voices.

And I’ll get there.

I just need to keep working on it.

It’s a skill I’ll hone in on.

I’m sure of it.

And by the way, speaking of compulsions, and to totally change the subject, my emotional eating has been frustrating lately too.

The binge eating has been more under control with the Topiramate, which has been very, very helpful and wonderful in regards to helping quell that.

I’ve noticed I do get fuller much, much quicker.

But I’ve just been eating when I’m not that hungry.

Which has been super fucking annoying.

And I don’t stop myself.

Let me correct that…

I can’t stop myself.

I’ll start to feel a certain way…

Uncomfortable, mainly…

And not in any specific way, just an overall uncomfortable feeling.

Maybe later I’ll be able to narrow it down to boredom, or anxiety, or antsyness or some such thing.

But all I’ll want is that uncomfortable feeling to end.

And I know how to quickly, effortlessly make myself feel warm and fuzzy and completely forget the fact that I’m even remotely feeling the slightest bit uncomfortable.

Food.

Eat something.

Now.

It’s automatic.

I know exactly what I’m doing, and I just do it.

I can’t stop it.

If I try, I get angry.

I get a headache.

I get emotional and physical symptoms like that.

And they just intensify and get worse.

And then it’s like, before I know it, I have this idea in my head of something I have to eat. 

It’s simultaneous with the uncomfortable feeling.

They go hand in hand.

Problem.

Solution.

And I obsess over whatever it is, until I eat it.

I can’t stop thinking about it, until I eat it.

Luckily, nowadays, it’s mostly all with foods that are already in the house.

It used to be foods that were in restaurants and out of the house.

And I’d obsess and get cranky and the whole thing until I’d have to go out and buy it.

I’ve even sh’ed over food.

When I can’t eat what I have to eat, when I have to eat it, I’ve absolutely sh’ed.

Many, many times.

It’s that painful to not get what I have to eat.

It’s that frustrating to not be able to taste exactly what I need to taste at that time.

It’s almost a level stronger than a compulsion – if that’s even a thing.

Well, wait, I think that’s an addiction.

Well, shit.

FML.

But, I already knew that I’m addicted to food in ways beyond it being a necessity for life.

I have major fucking issues around it.

I know this.

My fluctuating weight is just part of the obvious that tags along with that.

And I’m beyond frustrated at the weight that I’ve packed back on lately.

The last 4-6 months.

The fucking Abilify didn’t fucking help.

At fucking all.

That medication was fucking terrible for me.

I was thinking about that earlier today even.

I don’t get many side effects from medications, like, at all.

But Abilify gave me a whole slew of side effects.

Pretty much all of them.

Dry eyes, incontinence, dry skin, dry mouth, incessant urination, excessive hunger, weight gain, I mean, you fuckin name it, I had it.

Fuck Abilify.

I gained like 25-30lbs on that shit.

In like 3 months.

I’m glad there’s gonna be cooler weather down here soon.

Brucie will want to walk a bit more outside.

Right now it’s still too hot for both of us to go too far.

I mean, I know I have my treadmill too.

And now that I had my lumbar ablation done this last Friday, I’ll be able to walk on it again probably starting next week.

I had to stop there for a while.

The hard surface of it was too much, even with my good sneakers.

My back would kill me after about 6 minutes every single time, even at a snail’s pace, because the surface is so unforgiving.

So, now that the nerves in my back are fried again, I’m hoping that once the procedure area is healed, I’ll be able to use it again, no issue.

I’m sure I will.

But I need to get serious about getting this weight off.

I can feel the added pressure on my fucking knees.

It’s not good.

I can feel the extra weight.

I just need to get the “willpower” together to stop myself from overeating.

Although – I know it’s not that easy.

I know it’s not just “willpower”, and I hate it when people just chalk it all up to that.

Because it’s way fucking bigger than that.

It’s how my brain fires.

Especially with binge eating disorder.

It’s neuropathways.

It’s wiring.

It’s not as cut and dry as just “willpower”.

I’ve been feeding a pleasure center in my brain with food for decades, creating a literal addiction, and that’s bigger than just “willpower”.

I’ve been listening to some audiobooks on binge eating and rewiring the brain when it comes to emotional eating in general and the lot of them talk about how you need to rework where you look for comfort.

Which, no shit, right?

But, it’s also a practical step.

Like, myself, when I feel a craving for something, maybe I should write for a while.

Write about the specific craving even.

Maybe that would help?

I’m thinking out loud here.

But it very well might.

I’m willing to give it a try.

This is the first time I’ve thought about that even. 

It may work.

Because all of the books I’ve been listening to tell you that you have to get out of your habits, and into your head basically.

Get into what you’re actually thinking and feeling, not what you’ve always relied on, and what’s comfortable.

In order to rewire the brain, you have to do something different when the feeling arises.

So, if I write about what I’m wanting to eat, instead of going to the fridge or freezer right away…

Maybe that’ll take some of its power away, ya know?

Part of the problem is, I don’t know when I’m actually hungry.
My cues are all thrown the fuck off.

I was listening to this audiobook and the author was talking about how hunger cues get lost on folks with eating disorders.

How they’re so difficult to find again.

And the author said when you’re hungry, you’ll feel empty, run down, maybe shaky, or light headed.

She said that your body will literally rumble – but my thought was, it’ll do that with gas too, haha!

But then she was talking about how when you’re full you should have energy.

Not be lethargic, tired, low energy, sweaty, exhausted, or worn down.

You should feel refreshed.

Like you just were given a burst of strength, basically.

And that’s a totally different take than how I normally feel after I eat.

So, I do try to look for that now.

I try to stop eating much earlier than I normally would’ve in the past and look and feel for those cues.

And that’s been helping.

I do notice now when I eat too much in one sitting.

And I think that’s why I haven’t been overeating as much lately.

I’ve just been eating more often lately.

Which, fuck, I guess that’s still fucking overeating.

It’s just spread out so I don’t feel as fucking full at one time.

Fuck, man.

I know I’ve been eating less than I was.

I do know that.

I think I know that.

But it’s hard to gauge because I haven’t been counting calories.

If I’m going to really try to lose weight again, I have to start to count calories again.

I hate being so restrictive.

I just took a break and went to my addiction counseling appointment.

How appropriate is that with the context?

I started going the other week at the same clinic I go to my psych appointments at.

It’s alright.

It’s helpful.

We decided I’m going to go to a Smart Recovery meeting on Wednesday (tomorrow) this week at the public library.

I think I’ve talked about that program briefly before.

It’s a secular recovery meeting (drug addiction recovery that is) that doesn’t require a “higher power” for your recovery.

Which I greatly appreciate.

I’m not religious or spiritual, and all of that really turns me off in NA.

So a program not being based around that is intriguing to me.

I’ll give it a shot.

Go to a meeting and see how it goes.

Worst case scenario is I hate it and never go back.

I told Dawn, my addiction counselor, that I’m not social and she said this meeting might help.

And she’s not wrong.

I’m not social for a few reasons.

I don’t have the money to spare to go out.

And I don’t want to leave Brucie home alone for long periods of time.

And I hate people.

Ha!

There are other reasons too.

Like, it’s hard to meet people if you don’t drink, or hang out at bars.

Even then, it’s not like I would meet real winners anyway.

And it’s been hard relating to folks since my big break.

I don’t get people anymore.

And they don’t get me.

I’m hoping at this meeting there will at least be some people who’ve been through some similar shit and who have some similar viewpoints.

It’s hard to have things in common with someone who hasn’t also lost their mind for a few years.

It’s difficult to trust people who are sane.

I was just texting one of my fb buddies about this Smart Recovery group and she said she’s been to a few meetings and it was alright.

That’s promising for me.

I’m now semi looking forward to the meeting tomorrow.

I just hope it’s not too cliquy.

We’ll see.

– Keren