A Delusional Predisposition

emotional eating

  • Some of my Current Paranoia and Anxiety Struggles 

    I haven’t talked about my hallucinations or paranoia or anything mental illness symptom wise in a couple of entries. Not because they haven’t been happening. Just because I’ve been so focused and preoccupied on my physical symptoms, and keeping y’all… Continue reading

    Some of my Current Paranoia and Anxiety Struggles 

  • Medical Issues Continued…

    Oh boy it’s been a long week. It’s Friday night and I’m just getting around to starting to write. Ah, shit. That’s what I get for being busy. Monday this week I had my primary care appointment. It went really… Continue reading

    Medical Issues Continued…

  • DVT’s, Chronic Pain, Mental Illness, Addiction, and More Doctors Appointments 

    I haven’t written anything yet this week and it’s late Thursday afternoon. I’ve been binge eating this last weekend. So nevermind my “just eating a bit of junk food” from the last entry. It got worse, and then it got… Continue reading

    DVT’s, Chronic Pain, Mental Illness, Addiction, and More Doctors Appointments 

  • My Two DVT Troubles; Sleep, Pain, Dissociating, Appointments and Medication Side Effects

    So I’m still dealing with my DVT’s this week. Two of fucking them. They’re the blood clots that are in my right leg. They take weeks if not months to go away and dissolve. And even then still bits and… Continue reading

    My Two DVT Troubles; Sleep, Pain, Dissociating, Appointments and Medication Side Effects

  • A Procedure with a Twist of DVT

    I had a sclerotherapy procedure on Friday afternoon last week. On my lower, right leg. Today is Saturday now (last week), and it’s going well. I’m sore, for sure. And a bit swollen. I had to limp a bit on… Continue reading

    A Procedure with a Twist of DVT

  • I Binge Eat to Cope With my Emotions – My Emotional Relationship with Food

    I meant to go to group today, it’s Tuesday. I was finishing up that Neutrality post from earlier this week, and totally lost track of time. I’m kinda mad at myself about it. At least there’s Life Skills tomorrow, so… Continue reading

    I Binge Eat to Cope With my Emotions – My Emotional Relationship with Food

  • Hypothyroidism and Anhedonia, Along with Being “Too Much” and Losing Trust in People

    I’m feeling empty. I don’t like myself, or anything really. I’m still feeling like a massive disappointment in life and like nothing matters. I just don’t really care about much but Bruce. The tv isn’t interesting. I haven’t listened to… Continue reading

    Hypothyroidism and Anhedonia, Along with Being “Too Much” and Losing Trust in People

  • The Pains of Chronic Illness, and, of Course, Even More Doctor Appointments

    How did I sleep and injure myself? How did I hurt myself, while I was sleeping? That is seriously ridiculous. My left hip is fucking killing me. It’s radiating into my lower leg, and into my lower back. It sucks.… Continue reading

    The Pains of Chronic Illness, and, of Course, Even More Doctor Appointments

  • Everything is Stressful and Changing

    I’m so fucking scared. My apartment complex just got sold. And they fired everyone who works here. I’ve been living here since I moved to Texas, for over four years, and I’m so scared as to what the new owners… Continue reading

    Everything is Stressful and Changing

  • I Got Sick Sitting by Myself

    I feel horrible that I couldn’t put a blog entry together last week. I wrote up some stuff, but I absolutely hated all of it. So I just didn’t post anything. I feel like I have nothing constructive to say… Continue reading

    I Got Sick Sitting by Myself

  • Medications: Part Fourteen

    I had a really good weekend. I’m feeling less anxious from the Honda’s airbags randomly deploying as the days pass. I’m noticing I’m still on edge a bit. I’m still needing my PRN anxiety medication, Clonazepam, 0.5 mg, a little… Continue reading

    Medications: Part Fourteen

  • What I’ve Learned Advocating for Myself in Healthcare (and more!)

    As down on myself as I get for not being social, I have been more social the past few months. I just haven’t really made any more friends. Which is fine right now. I’m not gonna get down on myself… Continue reading

    What I’ve Learned Advocating for Myself in Healthcare (and more!)

  • My Changes and a Disclaimer

    I haven’t been having many symptoms lately. It’s scary honestly. I don’t know when they’ll surface again. It’s like I’m on a rollercoaster, right at the top of a big hill, after you’ve gotten past all the clicks, and you… Continue reading

    My Changes and a Disclaimer

  • Supplements, Diet, and my Mental Health

    The Niacin (Vitamin B3) and Vitamin C are working really well to help curb my hallucinations and delusions. So well that I cut my Haloperidol completely out last Friday. The withdrawal of that was fucking terrible. Even though I had… Continue reading

    Supplements, Diet, and my Mental Health

  • EMDR Work and a Nutritionist Appointment 

    I’ve been doing EMDR therapy with my one on one therapist for a while now. She’s been having me write down my triggers throughout the weeks. And I’ve noticed that as we go on, I’m getting triggered less and less.… Continue reading

    EMDR Work and a Nutritionist Appointment 

  • Food and Hallucinations (and More Doctor Appointments)

    I keep having weeks so busy that I have no time to write. I keep forgetting to fill out my mood app every day too. Then I have to go back and try to remember what was going on on… Continue reading

    Food and Hallucinations (and More Doctor Appointments)

  • Schizoaffective Disorder and Money

    It’s been a slow moving week. I suppose that’s a good thing. I’ve been sorta unmotivated lately – unfocused. I can’t help but worry about the future. I’m paranoid about the next steps and what that looks like in my… Continue reading

    Schizoaffective Disorder and Money

  • Vein Ablations and Therapy

    So, the vein ablations are done. Thank goodness. The photo with this entry shows just how drastic of a difference the procedures have made. It’s amazing. I mean, I knew my feet and legs were discolored and swollen, but I… Continue reading

    Vein Ablations and Therapy

  • C•PTSD and Trauma (Medical and Authoritative) 

    I’m 99.9% sure of my PTSD is actually C•PTSD.  I’ve never really given it much thought until this last weekend. I mean, I have, but I haven’t put that much thought into it. I guess I never really looked up… Continue reading

    C•PTSD and Trauma (Medical and Authoritative) 

  • Anesthetics Frustrations But Then a Surprisingly Good Visit With My Psych NP

    I’m angry this week. Frustrated is maybe a better word. I know it’s from the anesthetics last week. I know it is. It’s always like this. After every procedure. I really wish it wasn’t like this though. It’s super annoying.… Continue reading

    Anesthetics Frustrations But Then a Surprisingly Good Visit With My Psych NP

  • After The Second Procedure

    So, I had my latest procedure, a vein ablation this last week, last Tuesday. They did the other GSV, in my right leg this time. And at the follow up ultrasound appointment last Friday, a week ago, I was told… Continue reading

    After The Second Procedure

  • The Difference Between A Manic and A Psychotic Episode

    I realized that I trailed off in the middle of my last entry. I started talking about how I got triggered and just sort of ended the entry after that, ha!  Sorry y’all! So, now I want to pick up… Continue reading

    The Difference Between A Manic and A Psychotic Episode

  • This Last Episode

    Welp, I renewed my domain name and subscription and whatnot with WordPress today.  I’ve been writing at least once a week for this blog since 2022. Part of me says why stop now? Keep bitching and moaning. So here I… Continue reading

    This Last Episode

  • The Difference Between Paranoia and Anxiety

    The past couple of weeks have been difficult. And last weekend was really hard. But I’ve been hanging out at my therapist’s office a lot. There’s an art room there that’s just open most of the day for people to… Continue reading

    The Difference Between Paranoia and Anxiety

  • I’m Feeling Like Isolating

    I saw this meme quote thing the other day. It said something to the extent that trauma can make someone feel that they need to isolate. And I’ve been thinking about that a lot this week. I even talked about… Continue reading

    I’m Feeling Like Isolating

  • The First Vein Ablation

    This was an eventful week. I’ve been busy and tired, but good. Voices have been acting up but not terribly bad, they’ve just been mildly annoying. Just mainly while I’m out on walks, like they do. They did better again… Continue reading

    The First Vein Ablation

  • The Voices Lately

    The voices have been very tolerable lately. I haven’t been talking about them the last few entries and I figured I’d touch base with them this week. Things have been good – they’ve been quiet. But I’ve been taking my… Continue reading

    The Voices Lately

  • A Vein Ablation and Weight Loss

    I’m having a decent week, finally. After episodes of pain, psychosis, depression, anxiety, more pain, more psychosis, more depression and then even more pain and then even more psychosis and then even more anxiety, I can finally, finally breathe today.… Continue reading

    A Vein Ablation and Weight Loss

  • How The Delusions and Hallucinations Engulf

    I got into a comment conversation with a fellow writer and decided to write an entry around it. In my last post I had some hallucination dialogue – some back and forth between the voices, and she asked me if… Continue reading

    How The Delusions and Hallucinations Engulf

  • ADHD and Medication Changes

    I’ve been feeling a bit better in my lumbar ablation recovery. Walking good and eating less. Trying to at least. This week has been decent with those types of things. Could be better. But it also could be a lot… Continue reading

    ADHD and Medication Changes

  • My Eating is an Addiction

    My eating is an addiction. I want that immediate pleasure from food. I want that instant satisfaction. And I wanted it yesterday. And every day I wake up telling myself that today is going to be the day where I… Continue reading

    My Eating is an Addiction

  • Pain, Inflammation, and a Crappy U.S. Doctor

    I’m in so much pain. So. Much. Pain. And it feels like no one cares. I know people do, but I hate complaining about it at the same time so I try really hard not to. But I’ve been crying… Continue reading

    Pain, Inflammation, and a Crappy U.S. Doctor

  • Physical Pain

    I don’t feel like writing this week. I’ve tried. I’ve written like six or seven half entires, trying to get something together for this blog this week. And I can’t seem to focus. It’s super rainy today. And it’s been… Continue reading

    Physical Pain

  • Weight and Sweat

    I just noticed I’ve been avoiding taking my picture again lately. I know I hate how heavy I am again. I’ve gained what feels like a ton of weight back after losing 100lbs. It’s not a ton, but I have… Continue reading

    Weight and Sweat

  • Medications: Part Twelve

    I’m coming off of my Buspirone this weekend. Fuck that shit. I’m sick of it. It doesn’t work. I’m sick of the medication fillers that puff my body up. That makes my vision blurry. That makes my body feel stagnant… Continue reading

    Medications: Part Twelve

  • Weight Gain Sucks

    I’ve been better about writing this week. I just seemingly can’t write anything I’d like to post. So this is me giving it yet another shot with this entry. Hopefully this one will be the winner. My weight is getting… Continue reading

    Weight Gain Sucks

  • Signs of an Episode

    There are a few things that are signs that a psychotic episode is going to happen or is happening to me. The more I think about it, I’m able to slowly put two and two together a bit better as… Continue reading

    Signs of an Episode

  • Psych Visit and a Book

    I know I’ve been posting a lot the past week or so, I just feel like I have a lot to say and keep having ideas for posts, so I just keep writing. I remember my grandmother telling me once… Continue reading

    Psych Visit and a Book

  • Debbie Downer

    I didn’t go to the gym again yesterday. I didn’t want to. Didn’t feel like it. It’s been a rough week. I did go to my schizophrenia support group online Thursday night though. So that helped a little bit. I… Continue reading

    Debbie Downer

  • Paranoid

    My auditory hallucinations – voices, have been strong this week. Last night especially. They’ve been so strong that I have been extremely paranoid all week and it’s getting worse with the hours passing. At least I still went through with… Continue reading

    Paranoid

  • My Relationship With Food

    I’ve always used food to cover up my feelings. As a coping mechanism. A way to forget what I was so miserable about. I used to tell myself that I don’t use it that way. That food wasn’t an escape.… Continue reading

    My Relationship With Food

  • Mascara

    I put on mascara the other day. For the first time in months. I didn’t even go anywhere. I haven’t been looking that great lately. Physically. Not saying I look terrible. Just saying that I have been putting in zero… Continue reading

    Mascara

  • Emotional Eating

    I always denied being an emotional eater. But I eat all the time. I’m usually not even hungry when I do. I’m also sad all the time. And angry. And anxious. So it can all blend together. But honestly, I… Continue reading

    Emotional Eating