Neutrality
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My Two DVT Troubles; Sleep, Pain, Dissociating, Appointments and Medication Side Effects
So I’m still dealing with my DVT’s this week. Two of fucking them. They’re the blood clots that are in my right leg. They take weeks if not months to go away and dissolve. And even then still bits and… Continue reading
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A Procedure with a Twist of DVT
I had a sclerotherapy procedure on Friday afternoon last week. On my lower, right leg. Today is Saturday now (last week), and it’s going well. I’m sore, for sure. And a bit swollen. I had to limp a bit on… Continue reading
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I Binge Eat to Cope With my Emotions – My Emotional Relationship with Food
I meant to go to group today, it’s Tuesday. I was finishing up that Neutrality post from earlier this week, and totally lost track of time. I’m kinda mad at myself about it. At least there’s Life Skills tomorrow, so… Continue reading
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Neutrality, The Lost Middle Step on The Journey to Self Love -aka- Holding Myself in Neutrality, Because I’m Not Ready to Even Like Myself Yet
TW: a brief mention of sh, no details, one mention of ideations, no details, self loathing thoughts discussed in detail. I have actively hated myself for decades. I am talking, most of my life. Active self hating thoughts of “you’re… Continue reading
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Opposite: A Lost Personality Post Psychotic Break, and Other Things
I had this whole different entry written up. It was about sh. I can’t even spell it out because I remembered at the end, this morning, that fb and bluesky will block me if I fucking do. But I had… Continue reading
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A Voices Dialogue, and Having Chronic Pain with Schizoaffective Disorder
I’ve been hearing the third floor neighbor talk about me. Again. This time it’s the voice of the new third floor neighbor, and her grandson, just agreeing with her with a random “mmm-hmm” and whatnot. She was talking to her… Continue reading
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Hypothyroidism and Anhedonia, Along with Being “Too Much” and Losing Trust in People
I’m feeling empty. I don’t like myself, or anything really. I’m still feeling like a massive disappointment in life and like nothing matters. I just don’t really care about much but Bruce. The tv isn’t interesting. I haven’t listened to… Continue reading
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Chronic Pain, A Divorceiversary, and the Other End of an Episode
My left eye won’t stop twitching. It’s been about four days of off and on twitching. My heart is beating out of my chest – through the twice daily 120mg’s of extended release Propranolol. I’m trying to breathe, but my… Continue reading
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The Pains of Chronic Illness, and, of Course, Even More Doctor Appointments
How did I sleep and injure myself? How did I hurt myself, while I was sleeping? That is seriously ridiculous. My left hip is fucking killing me. It’s radiating into my lower leg, and into my lower back. It sucks.… Continue reading
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More Appointments, More Anxieties and Even More Medication Acceptance
This was absolutely wild… My parents told me this last weekend that apparently I played an entire season of basketball in the 6th grade. I have zero recollection of this. I mean, not one single memory. Now, I know I… Continue reading
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Dealing with Anxieties and Friendship, and Accepting my Medications as Tools
It’s Monday today. And I don’t know why I can’t be happy for more than two days in a row. Three if I’m lucky. I started to get anxious again yesterday, Sunday. Had a huge panic attack. I had to… Continue reading
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From the Doctors to the Banks and to the Dealerships
So, it’s Monday. It’s been a day. Up and down. It started alright, made a couple of phone calls – made an appointment with my pain management doctor for a follow up after my nano PRP injections at the end… Continue reading
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Mental and Physical Symptoms are Taking Over
I’ve been hearing shit this weekend still. Just like last week, most all of the “neighbors” are back. Fml. The “third floor neighbor” voices are here again. I saw a random guy – probably the new third floor neighbor’s son,… Continue reading
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Stress and Hallucinations
My anxiety has been out of control ever since the airbags randomly deployed in the Pilot at the end of March. I’m talking pretty much daily panic attacks. I’ve been using my TouchPoints constantly. I’ve been taking my Clonazepam and… Continue reading
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I Got Sick Sitting by Myself
I feel horrible that I couldn’t put a blog entry together last week. I wrote up some stuff, but I absolutely hated all of it. So I just didn’t post anything. I feel like I have nothing constructive to say… Continue reading
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My Anxiety Caused Motion Sickness and Other Shituations…
I’m running on fumes. Emotionally, physically, financially. The whole picture is thin right now. The good thing is that I cleaned out the Pilot (on Friday afternoon last week). Got it ready for today – for getting rid of it… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Fourteen
I had a really good weekend. I’m feeling less anxious from the Honda’s airbags randomly deploying as the days pass. I’m noticing I’m still on edge a bit. I’m still needing my PRN anxiety medication, Clonazepam, 0.5 mg, a little… Continue reading
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My Car Traumas
I’ve been stressed this week. Well, actually, I’ve been super anxious. It’s from what happened with my Honda. I didn’t really go into it last week because I wanted to cover another topic. But I’ll go into it this week.… Continue reading
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How Mental Illness Affected my Ability to Think
I’m exhausted today. It’s Friday and I’ve had a helluva week. Between the Pilot’s airbags randomly deploying while I was driving home on Saturday (yeah, I know, scary, huh?) and dealing with my finances, I’m beat. And I’ve been having… Continue reading
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What I’ve Learned Advocating for Myself in Healthcare (and more!)
As down on myself as I get for not being social, I have been more social the past few months. I just haven’t really made any more friends. Which is fine right now. I’m not gonna get down on myself… Continue reading
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My Automatic Self Loathing Has Been Quelled
With that rheumatologist appointment last week… I was unpacking it in therapy on Wednesday this week. My therapist said how mindblowing it was. She said it was a horrible thing that happened, but at the same time, she was really… Continue reading
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My Changes and a Disclaimer
I haven’t been having many symptoms lately. It’s scary honestly. I don’t know when they’ll surface again. It’s like I’m on a rollercoaster, right at the top of a big hill, after you’ve gotten past all the clicks, and you… Continue reading
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Nano PRP and Group Therapy
It’s been a decent week. I got my nano PRP injections today (it’s Friday). The stem cells from umbilical cords. My knees feel cushioned this afternoon. So does my left big toe. My knees have been incredibly painful the past… Continue reading
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Neutrality
So, I have a really, really tough time trying to “love” myself. This isn’t a new thing either. It’s not like I woke up this morning and realized this. I’ve hated myself for so many decades that the thought of… Continue reading
A Delusional Predisposition 