I’ve been hearing the third floor neighbor talk about me.
Again.
This time it’s the voice of the new third floor neighbor, and her grandson, just agreeing with her with a random “mmm-hmm” and whatnot.
She was talking to her grandson about how I don’t deserve the title “handicap” or disabled, basically.
It’s repetitive and annoying.
I bought into it at first.
For about five minutes, I was listening to her and completely thought it was real.
My heart was pounding.
Then, when I realized it wasn’t, I started crying.
I’m so tired of this shit.
I’m on two antipsychotics, and a bunch of niacin, and they still won’t stop.
I feel defeated.
I hear them when I’m walking Bruce.
When I’m walking around a store.
When I’m driving – through the radio.
That’s why I’ve just been listening to classical music lately in the car.
It seems to help with that one at least.
For some mysterious reason, it luckily drowns them out.
But getting back to it, the third floor neighbor had just gotten home, and had just seen me cleaning the inside of the windows and wiping down the inside of the doors in my car to get rid of the dog hair in there.
I had told her that I was getting rid of the dog hair when she pulled up and got out of her car, because she asked me how I was doing.
The last thing I did, which, she was inside her apartment for this, was wipe down the trunk mat.
I have an SUV, so it’s not like I have to bend into a car trunk or anything, it’s a flat, easy surface to wipe down.
But I did have to bend over for that.
I had opened the trunk door, took out Brucie’s ramp, and sprayed the armor all spray on the mat.
I took some paper towel to wipe it off, and did it rather quickly because my back was on fire.
When I stopped – and the whole thing took about 30 seconds, I had to stand there and bend my back backwards for a minute, to get the nerve pain to let up a bit.
I then gathered my things, shut the trunk, locked the car, and went inside.
I came back out with Bruce about 5-10 minutes later, and was standing by my door, under the balconies, by my little stoop area.
I know she doesn’t have a chair outside right now because they have been painting the building, but I also know that she smokes cigarettes, so she’s outside often.
When I hear the voices – the “third floor neighbor” or any of them, it’s like a typical conversation.
But when it gets repetitive, the conversation can almost overlap themselves or something.
Like, they talk over themselves, even if it’s the same person talking.
They’ll start the next sentence before finishing the first, ya know?
The delusions make me think that she’s up there, chatting away, saying all of these things without end.
Here’s what I can recall from last night and tonight.
And all of this was just her, my delusion made me think she was talking to her grandson up there, who’s always over.
And like I said, he was just making random agreeing noises here and there.
A random “mmm-hmm” or “yeah”.
So, I didn’t add those into the dialogue below.
And I kinda mushed together the last couple of nights because it’s hard to remember what’s being said.
But here’s the general idea of what I’ll hear:
“She’s not handicap.”
“She wouldn’t be able to do that if she was handicap.”
“Did you see her cleaning the trunk? Bending over like that, she’s not handicap.”
“Did you see her doing that?”
“She’s not handicap.”
“Did you see her standing there, not sitting? She’s not handicap.”
“She can’t be handicap and cleaning like that.”
“She can’t be handicap and cleaning like that.”
“She can’t be handicap and cleaning like that.”
“She’s not handicap.”
“Did you see her doing that?”
“Handicap people can’t do that.”
“If she’s handicap, she’s gonna be sitting if she was.”
“She’s not gonna be cleaning like that.”
“She’s getting that ramp out, she wouldn’t be able to do that if she was handicap.”
“Did you see her doing that?”
“She can’t be handicap and cleaning the trunk.”
“She can’t be handicap and cleaning her car like that.”
“Did you see her doing that?”
“Did you see her cleaning her car like that? She’s not handicap.”
“She’s not handicap.”
“Did you see her cleaning her car, cleaning her doors? She’s not handicap.”
“Did you see her doing that shit? She’s not handicap.”
“She’s walking just fine, she doesn’t need a placard.”
“She’s not handicap.”
“She’s not handicap.”
“She can’t be handicap and standing and lifting like that.”
“She can’t be handicap and standing there like that.”
“She’s not handicap.”
“Did you see her walking? She’s not handicap.”
“Handicap people can’t do that”
“She got out of the car and just stood up and walked, she doesn’t need a placard.”
“She’s walking fine.”
“She’s lifting that ramp.”
“Did you see her doing that?”
“Did you see her standing like that? She was standing. She’s not handicap.”
“She’s walking fine.”
“She’s not going to be standing like that if she’s handicap.”
“If she’s handicap, she’s gonna be sitting.”
“She wouldn’t be able to get in and out of the car like that if she was handicap.”
“Did you see her doing that?”
“If she’s handicap, she’s gonna be sitting.”
“If she’s handicap, she’s gonna be sitting.”
“If she’s handicap, she’s gonna be sitting.”
“Did you see her walking and lifting like that? She’s not handicap.”
“She’s not handicap.”
Over, and over, and over again.
It doesn’t end.
Pretty much the same dialogue, but slightly different shit at the same time.
And she’s never up there, on her balcony when I look.
And I’ll still hear her after I look and don’t see her.
This is what I mean when I say the voices are degrading.
And they get much worse than this.
This is nothing.
They take something I’m stressed about – my benefit renewal, and run with it.
They grind me into the ground with doubt in myself.
Do I deserve to have my handicap plates if I can clean my car?
If I can walk Bruce?
When I’m not limping?
If I can wipe down my dash and trunk protector, am I truly handicap?
I think I am still.
I still have a hard time walking long distances.
But they put an even further degree of mistrust in myself so I’m suspicious of my own abilities and limitations.
So I utterly don’t trust myself.
And this just adds another layer of paranoia too.
Who am I to think I need a handicap placard and plate?
I already think people are judging and talking about me every time I use a handicap spot.
I feel the need to limp sometimes, even when I don’t need to limp, just to justify the use of the spot.
I feel the need to show other people that yes, I do need this parking spot.
When they don’t know that I need knee replacements, and a bone fusion in my left big toe.
I mean, I know it’s silly.
But my paranoia gets the best of me every time.
And I feel like everyone is judging me.
Like I have a thousand eyes on me every time I park in a handicap spot.
My paranoia is thick.
It surfaces in many, many aspects of my life.
And the voices know this.
They have a way of playing up my deepest anxieties and stressors.
They’ll even twist words from a typical conversation into a voices conversation.
This happens a shitton.
Practically every time I’m in public, or outside.
There will be a typical conversation happening – especially in the background, and I’ll hear it morph into something I’m thinking, feeling, touching, doing, smelling, tasting, seeing, etc…
The words will mutate into something like;
Person 1: “She’s over there, holding (whatever I’m holding)”
Person 2: “Did you hear what she said? (they repeat what I was just thinking) She’s got some nerve.”
Person 1; “She did that, I heard her say that. She’s over there. Do you think we should go over there? Did you hear that? She said (whatever I’m thinking). We should go over there.”
Person 2: “We should go over there. Do you see her? She’s walking there (or standing, or whatever I’m doing).”
Person 1: “I just heard her. We should go over there.”
And it just goes on and on like that.
This is a typical example.
Sometimes they follow me if I’m in a store or wherever.
They especially follow me when I’m walking Bruce for a bit around the complex.
And when they’re actively following me, instead of saying “we should go over there” they’ll say something like “she’s over here/there now” or “let’s keep going” or something like that.
And besides, when I turn a corner, I can still hear them behind me.
And the following voices can shift from a regular conversation between people, or can be a random voices conversation.
The voices don’t fucking care.
They take over in random situations and fuck with me.
All the fucking time.
They’ve sorta changed from how they used to be before my big break.
And I’m sitting here, wracking my brain, trying to remember how they used to be before my break, and it’s like there’s a block in my brain.
But both examples give you an idea on how I thought I could hear what people were thinking.
I thought I could hear people’s innermost thoughts.
I just didn’t realize they were voices.
And don’t get me wrong, the voices aren’t always as repetitive as I’m making them out to be.
I’ll have full blown conversations with them before realizing that they’re voices too.
And they’ll have full blown conversations amongst themselves too.
Like, totally ordinary, totally typical conversations.
But the thing is, they’re so difficult to remember to write about and let y’all in on.
It’s like there’s a block in my brain.
I can remember in my head, but I can’t write about it.
It won’t leave my head for some reason.
It’s like it’s stuck there…
Which is frustrating.
I’m just realizing that the full blown conversations usually happen when I’m in an episode.
Curious.
And the repetitive conversation happens everyday.
That’s super interesting.
I wonder if there’s something to that.
Maybe it’s just my brain and the way that it processes conversation in an episode vs everyday type thing.
Hmm.
I’m sure there are a lot of external things that influence the way my brain processes information.
Just like how there are a lot of things that influence my symptoms to go into an episode.
There are a lot of things that influence my everyday psychosis symptoms too.
My anxiety, my stress, stress is a huge one, if I have a flu/cold, sleep, or lack of sleep, rather, is a really big one too.
But I’ve definitely noticed that when my pain levels rise, the voices get busier.
This article has some really great points on pain and increased symptoms.
“In the few studies that have examined pain in schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, results indicate that greater pain is associated with poor outcomes, such as reduced levels of physical activity and increased severity of psychiatric symptoms.”
Which totally makes sense.
And is exactly what I’m dealing with.
So it’s nice to be validated.
I for sure don’t move as much.
And I have breakthrough symptoms regardless of how much medication I’m on, and I’m convinced that because of my super high pain levels.
That same article also goes on to talk about how; “a patient with schizophrenia who presents with severe delusions and who also reports pain may not have their pain taken seriously as a result of the clinician assuming that pain may be a part of a delusion, or other symptoms – such as delusions and hallucinations…”
Which brings me to my PT appointment on Tuesday of this week.
He was good, the doc was good.
I felt as if it was a really well rounded appointment.
He asked about a lot of different things.
He even asked in detail about my mental illness.
I told him about how the voices can twist normal conversations into persecutory things, and he said we could always move to a private room if I needed to.
I thought that was really fucking cool of him.
But looking back, and reading that short article I just posted the link to, he said at the end of our session this week that “I think you do have arthritis in your knees, And I think your back has stenosis.”
Which, I guess is fine to say.
But, no shit I have arthritis in my fucking knees.
And they were on fire by the time I left there.
He made me stand up and sit down five times in a row – it took me 48 seconds.
Which I feel like is a long time.
And my range of motion was shit.
It’s just kinda like… when I think about it, you haven’t seen my imaging… why wouldn’t you believe that I have arthritis in my knees?
You know?
I told you I did.
Did you not believe me because I have schizoaffective disorder?
I need fucking knee replacements.
I’ve been told that by about four different orthopedic doctors in three different states over the last five, six years or so.
I remember the first time I was told.
My orthopedic doc called me two days after my MRI, around 7:30, 8:00pm – never a good sign when they call you outside of office hours, or that soon after imaging.
We talked for about twenty minutes, and he told me I was going to need total replacements in both knees, and the whole thing, and was super nice about everything, and answered all of my questions.
And ever since then, every doctor that’s seen my X-Rays or MRI’s has confirmed that initial call.
And when the PT guy said; “I do think you have arthritis in your knees”, it kinda hit me wrong, even when I was still in the room with him.
Like, did you think I was lying, or exaggerating or something?
That’s just what the doctors have told me.
I’m just repeating what they said.
And that’s not the first time something like that has happened to me after I disclose my mental illness diagnosis.
It’s pretty consistent across the board.
Doctors probably think I’m hallucinating or in a delusion, until they see my bloodwork or imaging and then they realize that I wasn’t making it up.
Luckily, I don’t have POTS or something that’s super tricky, and doesn’t always show up on bloodwork or anything.
Luckily my diagnoses show up on imaging, and on bloodwork.
But the PT doc didn’t have any of that.
He was just going off of feel and my movements.
It was just an odd way to confirm the arthritis in my knees that’s already been confirmed for the past 20 years.
I felt like he wasn’t trusting my words.
Maybe he was, and he was just going through what they always do – that’s what I’m going to believe for my sanity’s sake.
But anyway, getting back to my pain levels affecting my symptoms.
I think it’s pretty common knowledge that chronic pain can cause depression, anxiety and PTSD.
But that article also states that it impacts bipolar disorder.
I can’t help but think that it would impact schizophrenia spectrum disorders too then.
Google says that increased pain can lead to increased schizoaffective symptoms.
I couldn’t really find any articles on it though.
Which I find rather curious.
I could find a ton of articles on how folks with schizophrenia tend to have decreased pain sensitivity though.
Which I would believe while in psychosis.
In psychosis, you can’t feel anything.
Nothing fucking matters.
When I start to slip into an episode, I know I’m in pain, but it’s like it doesn’t register as well.
So I do feel like that tracks.
But, at other times, it registers too well though.
While out of psychosis.
It’s like it’s amplified.
So I don’t know what to say of that.
But I deal with chronic pain, not acute pain.
Acute pain doesn’t bother me nearly as much as the chronic pain does.
Maybe because the chronic pain is so consistent and unrelenting.
And the acute pain, I usually put on myself, in the form of self harm.
And it’s relieving to me.
It doesn’t hurt.
It’s a relief from the emotional pain that I’m in.
And the emotional pain is far often more painful than the physical pain.
But my chronic physical pain is getting worse.
Especially as I get older.
I’ve noticed in the last several years, that my pain levels have gotten worse.
And I think part of that is due to my age.
The arthritis is just progressing.
The typical “wear and tear” is adding on to the damage that’s already there.
I got my MRI results back for my lower back and they’re not good.
I feel like, again, at least my pain is validated.
As I looked at the results, I thought to myself “no wonder why I’m in so much pain”.
The main takeaway is more fucking arthritis.
Everywhere.
There are some other major issues going on too.
I have an appointment with my pain management doctor tomorrow, Monday, and we’re going to review it together.
Even though I’ve already googled all of the sentences I didn’t understand, I’d like to hear his input too, for sure.
I’m hoping we’ll be able to do another RFA (ablation) on one of my upper lumbar levels.. I’m not sure if it’ll be just L3 or L3 and L2.
And I don’t really know what to do about the other issues, so we’ll see what my doctor says.
Hopefully I can do something in PT about some of them.
I don’t think they’re surgery worthy yet.
That’s not what google suggested, unless they’re really bad.
And it’s not really bad, yet.
But getting back to the point at hand, doctors usually don’t believe me until they see my imaging.
I don’t know if they think I’m exaggerating, lying, or hallucinating.
But having a severe mental illness in my chart, along with the chronic pain, definitely puts a wrench in my spokes.
And my pain levels make my hallucinations, delusions, and all of my symptoms worse.
Period.
And it really blows my mind that there aren’t many studies on that – how pain levels affect hallucinations.
There’s plenty of things suggesting and validating the fact that pain and depression are closely correlated… whereby chronic pain may lead to depression.
And anxiety too, I mean, obviously.
But there are lots of studies on how chronic pain leads to anxiety.
And anxiety is basically stress too, they go hand-in-hand.
Which makes sense.
I know my entire body gets tense when in a panic attack.
My heart starts pounding, and I’m sure my arteries and internal organs constrict, causing issues and pain inside my body too.
There’s no doubt in my mind that anxiety leads to more pain, and vice versa.
And then you have the fact that stress, anxiety and depression are all triggers for psychosis.
So I don’t understand how chronic pain and schizophrenia spectrum disorders have just gotten chalked up to “schizophrenics don’t feel pain”.
It’s fucking absurd and out dated.
It’s just as terrible as all people who have schizophrenia are portrayed as violent on the media.
It’s foolish to say that people with schizophrenia “don’t feel pain”.
Like I said, maybe in psychosis, the pain signals are diverted.
But while not in psychosis, we’re just like everyone else.
Stop portraying us as some sort of non-human thing.
It’s fucking stupid.
And then you have stress, anxiety and depression, which are all deep-rooted feelings that come from chronic pain.
These emotions spike other emotions, and trigger other symptoms.
And you can be diagnosed with an add-on of psychosis with stress, anxiety or depression.
Makes sense.
I can literally feel the changes.
I feel different than I did even a few years ago.
And that’s different from the psychosis.
This is on a different level.
The pain changes you.
I have a shorter attention span – that’s also from the psychosis.
But the inability to concentrate is from the psychosis.
The lack of interest, and the major frustration with myself is from the pain levels.
That’s different.
There’s a difference between the two.
I cry so much easier now.
My rage is gone from the antipsychotic medication – and I’m grateful for that, but my temperament is still short with people and things.
I’m still super touchy, and take things really personally.
I’m still on edge when it comes to dealing with people and things – and that may be more likely the paranoia talking.
But I do cry a shitton more now.
I cry over everything.
And that’s from the pain.
I’m just at the end of my fucking rope, everyday.
I remember in high school, I didn’t cry for three years.
And I was so happy and proud of myself for that.
I used to brag about it.
How unbelievably fucking toxic is that?
I was shoving my feelings away – deep down inside, and being boastful about it.
I was repressing everything that I was feeling.
I”ve learned that it’s much better to feel what you need to feel, and move on.
Regardless of how long it takes you to feel it.
– Keren
A Delusional Predisposition 
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