Category: depression
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Self Care
I’m still struggling with the emptiness. It’s so abundant. My symptoms of hallucinations and delusions have been very quiet the past several days. It’s odd because it’s not that I miss them when they’re gone. It’s just that, from everywhere, comes such a deafening silence. A sort of calm just before the storm rolls in.…
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Empty
I’ve been feeling very empty lately. Like, unable to see or feel much joy. I’ve been watching shows like Reno911! and News Radio to keep it light and non thinky. Everything’s been too much. And that’s frustrating because everything is too much nowadays. Literally every day I tell myself I’m going to walk more, eat…
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Avolition and Pain Levels
I’ve been begging myself to have motivation this month. This week has been more terrible than the week before in that regard. I haven’t done much the past two weeks. Rather, I couldn’t do much. I’m pretty sure I’m dealing with avolition. I’ve just been so out of it. And I’m not just talking about…
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The Luxury
I noticed that I’m starting to be aware of the weather again. It’s been sunny. Then rainy. Then sunny. Then rainy. All week. I’ve been noticing the shifts in temperature. And the bright shades of green pouring out of the plants and trees. For the past few years. I haven’t paid a bit of attention.…
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Enhancing My Misery
Through the struggle of keeping my darkness at bay. My body is rebelling. Friday the tenth was my fifth and final bilateral knee injection of the series of five that I had to get. Every Friday. For the past five weeks. I’ve had to get injections in both knees. It’s a “gel-like” medication that is…
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Fading Into
The slight amount of happiness I was feeling. From having a glimpse of contentedness. Has faded into a state of semi-darkness. It’s not full blown. And I have had to remind myself I’m in the middle of another fucking med change. And it was my idea to switch it back. So I shouldn’t bitch. But…
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Medications: Part Four
Honestly, I have always been awful about taking my meds. Any of them. All of them. I’ve gone days or even weeks without taking them. Then I would start taking them again suddenly and get that roller coaster effect. I would take them for two, maybe three weeks. Then stop again. They didn’t do anything…
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Group Therapy
I tried to do a group meeting this week. It was on Tuesday night. It was hosted through NAMI. I let my paranoia get the best of me though. I was late for the meeting. My laptop was being frustrating at the moment. Probably because I was in a rush. So I joined nine minutes…
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My Needs and Boundaries
I have been trying very hard lately to set boundaries. It’s tough. Some times are better than others. Especially in regards to follow through. I can set as many as I want. But the follow through is incredibly difficult. I tend to sort-of let people know what I need. Basically, I say okay a lot.…
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There But Not Here
Disappointments come in every shape and form. Failure, miscalculation, misfortune. They can make the future seem bleak in a millisecond. Whatever the situation was, it cycles over and over and over in my mind. I obsess and obsess and obsess. What can I even remember? Nothing really. Why did I do that? I have no…
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Stupid Arthritis
I’ve been in a foul mood all week. I don’t talk much about my physical issues on here. But I decided it’s time to do so. My physical pain makes my mind bounce off the walls. It helps my darkness surface. Because I really hurt. Physically, I’m miserable a lot of the time. And it’s…
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Homesick
I’m noticing that my depression is rearing its ugly head. It’s surfacing pretty gradually this go-around. Sometimes it hits like a freight train though. It’s self loathing and doubt. It’s soul crushing shit. With the voices and everything that take over, sometimes I can dismiss my depression symptoms as part of everything else. But after…
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Transition of Thought
My psychosis episodes warp everything. They pop up out of nowhere and run my entire life until they wear out. Then it can get quiet for a few days. Then it ramps right back up into me. I have been noticing my concept of time lately. Everyday my ability to track time rises and fades.…
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Finding Parts of Myself
Everyday something new happens. Or at least, I notice something new about myself. Like how dairy and I haven’t coexisted well for quite a few months now. Like how my mind overrides me. Like how I have white hairs on the side of my head. I never thought a time like this would be an…
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Madness Leaking
I went from hearing deafening silence for two days to hearing voices again. It’s legit soul crushing shit. I know my symptoms will probably never go away fully. But the two days of silence was very eye opening. It was wild to hear something besides the constant murmurs and non distinct tones. It felt like…
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Daylio
Daylio is the name of my mood app. It’s an eye opening tool for me. I can track different moods that I have throughout the day. I can apply whatever “activity” or symptoms within those different moods. Everything is super customizable. But I did pay the $24 for a year’s subscription. And no, I’m not…
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Core Delusion
I’ve honestly felt like a shell of myself until the last few months. My mind has thrived in chaos, for so, so long now. But today, right now, I am sincerely doing good. And that’s so much more sincerely said than I’ve ever been able to admit before. I can’t begin to describe how grateful…
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Medications: Part Two
I was taken off of my Seroquel due to severe physical side effects and complications. At my psych appointment in August, I was to stop the rest of both my Geodon and Seroquel within about a three day period. Of course, me being me, I immediately stopped both and let the new medication of 4mg…
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Side Note
I wanted to say something real quick. I am well aware that my entries tend to focus on a lot of negative things. It may seem to someone unfamiliar to mental illness that I am only focusing on the negative. Well, I can’t speak for anyone else, but depression is what I know best, and…
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Self Loathing
I’ve been officially clinically depressed since high school. My very first diagnosis was major depressive disorder. A couple years later, the bipolar 1 came along, with its friends surfacing throughout the following years. My darkness just is. That’s the way the cookie crumbled. That’s how I’m wired. I honestly don’t know if I will ever…
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Shifting Thought and Behavior
I try to not post twice in one week. But I made that rule up for myself. It’s mainly because I don’t want my writings to be pressured. I want to continue to publish thoughts on topics and not force myself to plug out an entry just because I feel like I have to. However,…
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Changes
During the past month I’ve been noticing that I have very high blood pressure and quite a bit of chest pains. I didn’t even think about them being from my Seroquel until last Friday. I noticed that overall, I hadn’t been feeling well lately, especially within these last couple of weeks. I didn’t think too…
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Therapy
I have been in and out of talk therapy for quite some time. I was made to go when I was younger. Because, even at a young age, the darkness and doom engulfed my core being. I was originally sent to talk to a middle aged woman named Judy. I remember having to draw my…
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Splitting
I can easily split into a completely different version of myself. Splitting turns me into a person that has an impossible time separating my behaviors from my personality. It’s like my emotions completely take over my mind and body and I lose control of my actions. It feels like someone else is behind the wheel. …
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Medications: Part One
My Seroquel dose was upped again this week. I’m writing this entry through very heavy eyelids. A big downfall for me has always been how exhausted my psych meds can make me. I have taken Synthroid every day since birth, but, psych meds are on a totally different level for me. They work much deeper…
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The Start
When I’m in a high stress situation, I shut down or switch over or snap or split. These actions are attempts at self preservation – and also surface from subconscious neurological misfirings. It’s fear of abandonment. It’s fear of rejection. It’s self sabotage. It’s self loathing. It’s pushing someone I love away because it’s easier…
A Delusional Predisposition 