I meant to go to group today, it’s Tuesday.

I was finishing up that Neutrality post from earlier this week, and totally lost track of time.

I’m kinda mad at myself about it.

At least there’s Life Skills tomorrow, so that’s good.

But, man, c’mon Keren.

I needed a group session, but I can’t do it if I keep losing track of time like this.

It happens a lot when I’m at home – especially when I’m writing.

I guess that’s alright, when there’s nothing better to do.

But when there’s group, and I need to go to group, I have to at least set an alarm on my phone.

I do that with appointments, but not with group.

I have no idea why not.

I’m disappointed in myself right now.

It’s heavy.

I’m trying not to be.

But I’m disappointed in myself for multiple reasons right now.

Mostly because I’ve been coping more with food a lot again lately.

Like, a lot.

The last like six months or so have been frustrating.

But the last three to four have been even worse.

And I’m trying to reel that in.

But it’s impossible.

Every single fucking day lately I”ve been telling myself that yesterday was the last day that I’m allowing myself to overeat.

Yesterday was the last day that I’m allowing myself to eat like shit.

Yesterday was the last day I’m coping with food like that ever again.

Then I just turn around and do it all the fuck over again the next day.

I’ll be really good until like 5 to 6pm.

Then it’s like the floodgates open and all hell breaks loose.

I eat when I’m not even hungry.

I eat until I’m uncomfortable.

I’ll jam food in my mouth to where I’m not even tasting it, I’m just eating it.

And then I’ll feel like total fucking shit.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Why do I do that?

I’m seriously not hungry the bulk of the time.

My defects and big emotions get the best of me, and I get in deep, quick.

And it’s not like groceries are cheap anymore.

It’s not like I can afford to eat like this.

I really can’t.
And I keep telling myself that it’s not only terrible for my mental health, it’s terrible for my wallet too.

But I continue to fucking do it.

I self sabotage in stupid fucking ways.

Now that I’m not using drugs, it’s like, I’ll take what I can get or something? 

I don’t have the answer…

I don’t know…

I just know I need to stop, and I’m having a major issue with it.

I feel like I can’t be hungry.

Like it’s so uncomfortable to be hungry for a little while.

(you can’t tell I’m being sarcastic – but I am)

Because it’s not that uncomfortable for me to be hungry for a couple of hours.

I’m not the type of person that gets hangry or dizzy.

I just get a bit rumbly.

And I’m not talking not eating for days or weeks.

I’m not talking starving myself.

I’m talking just like, not eating after 6 or 7pm type of thing.

I have a huge problem enforcing that type of boundary with myself.

I can’t do it.

I try.

And I fail.

Every. single. fucking. time.

I just have zero willpower when it comes to food.

And it’s not like I eat a little bit.

I eat a lot.

I’ll eat like 2,000 calories worth of food, 3,000 calories, in like an hour or two – a whole day’s worth and then some.

When I’ve already eaten 2,000 – 2,500 calories for the day.

And I can’t stop.

It’s every day with it.

I got this wild hair up my ass at the end of 2024, and through 2025, and was somehow able to lose 130lbs.

But I’ve easily gained 30lbs of that back.

And I just don’t know what to do about it.

It’s wrecking my self esteem even more so than it already is wrecked.

It’s really fucking with my head.

I’ve had a weight problem my entire life and this is just another part of the fucking struggle.

It’s like I’ll have times in my life where I really think I have it under control, and then my mental health will fail, and I’ll find myself not being able to focus on my physical health anymore.

It’s either mental or physical.

Not both.

I can’t focus on both at the same time.

I’ll just gain weight again because I just don’t have the energy to focus on my physical health when my mental health is struggling.

It’s a maddening rollercoaster.

And it hurts even more because everyone’s always excited for me when I lose weight.

But then everyone gets quiet again when I gain weight back.

I mean, I don’t want them pointing it out, don’t get me wrong, it’s not about that.

But everyone tells me I look “so good” and whatever when I’m losing weight, and then suddenly, all of those comments stop.

Like, suddenly, I’m a fucking ugly piece of shit or something?

Suddenly I don’t look good?

No one tells you you look cute that day, or are looking good that day when you’re fat.

The only person who does that, is my stylist.

She tells me I look cute everytime I see her, regardless of how heavy I am.

And I can’t even tell you how good that feels, and how much I appreciate that from her.

I totally get treated differently by strangers when I’m bigger.

They’re ruder to me.

It’s like people think they can get away with treating me like shit because I’m fat.

Because obviously, I don’t care about myself, so why should they?

I dunno, it’s so hard.

Because I don’t mean to gain weight, at all.

I don’t mean to overeat.

It’s an emotional response, 100%.

I get depressed, and it amplifies my eating behaviors.

I get anxious, sad, mad, bored, and I turn to food.

I always have.

And it’s not like this has been going on since I got clean.

This has been going on since I was a kid again.

It feels like every terrible coping mechanism I have has been with me a lifetime.

I remember sneaking food even when I was little.

Going downstairs in the middle of the night and shoving my face full of food really quick.

Trying to not make any noise because my parents bedroom was right off of the kitchen.

As a teenager I would eat at home, eat at work, then eat at home again.

Once I got a car, I would sneak food even more.

I sneak food in my car all the time.

It’s like a ritual.

It’s like a hiding space.

And I still find myself eating tons of food in my car, hiding it from everyone.

Who that everyone is, I don’t know, because I live by myself, and have for years.

Before I went gluten free I would stop at fast food places all the time.

I would order like two or three meals off of the menu, and a couple of dollar menu items.

I would eat them all.

I would just shove the bag under my passenger seat, or put it in the back seat, until my car was full of fast food wrappers and bags.

I do the same things with gas stations, with candy bars and bags of chips.

I did that just the other day again.

And I’ve been doing it a lot again lately.

I always feel dirty when I am done.

I always feel embarrassed, shameful, disgraceful.

When I sneak food in my car, or when I’m alone and eating like this, it’s a different mode I’m in.

I shove food in my mouth.

It’s seriously binge eating, that’s exactly what it is – binge eating.

I’ll buy like five candy bars.

And like two bags of chips.

That’s what I did last time.

I’ll eat a whole bag of chips at home and a whole package of frozen cookies.

I’ll eat six cups of gluten free microwavable mac and cheese, a half bag of chips with dip, and like half of a 2lb package of dates with chocolates shoved inside the dates.

And even more.

That’s just the start.

I’ll shove food in my face for a solid hour or two.

It’s disgusting.

That’s what makes me feel so dirty.

Even telling y’all about this is making me feel dirty.

And writing this out, and talking about it in therapy this week, helped me realize it is binge eating.

It’s a disorder.

Eating like that is just part of what binge eating is, and I know I’ve dealt with it for a very long time.

I’ve even been to some Overeaters Anonymous meetings in the past.

Subconsciously knowing that I do in fact deal with binge eating disorder.

And binge eating is by far my oldest maladaptive coping mechanism.

Even older than sh’ing.

And much more commonplace and socially acceptable than sh’ing.

I mean, everyone has to eat.

That’s obvious.

I have to eat.

But I don’t have to overeat.

I talked about it in therapy today (it’s now Wednesday).

Hannah gave me a book to read.

We talked about the 6pm mark.

She said that I should listen to my body, and instead of eating at that time (because I usually have already eaten between 3pm and 4pm), I should do my physical therapy stretches.

She said that my body is talking to me, and telling me it needs something.

So give it something.

Give it stretches instead of food.

And I’ve been having a hard time carving out a time to regularly do my PT stretches anyway, so maybe this’ll work.

And I really do think that’s a good idea.

We talked about how I can’t focus on mental and physical stuff at the same time.

She reminded me that I’ve been having a ton of huge stressors in my life the past four months or so.

And she’s not wrong, I have.

And she also said that eating is physical and emotional.

And I remembered that I’ve been in a lot of pain lately too.

So instead of feeding (no pun intended) into something that’s going to make me feel worse, I should do something exclusively physical, that’ll make me feel better, like the PT stretches.

Because I do a good job of focusing on my mental health throughout the day right now, because I have to.

I’m still on the tail end of that episode from April and May.

So, I go to group, go to therapy, go to Life Skills, and write, listen to psychology audio books, and psychology youtube stories throughout the days, usually.

So that’s focusing on my mental health during the day.

So at 6pm, maybe I can kinda shift the focus to my physical health – do my PT stretches, take a shower, walk Brucie for his evening walk, brush my teeth…stuff like that.

Sort of shift things to a new area of myself.

And I think that’s a good place to start.

That’s a good idea.

I think I can do that.

I’m gonna listen to that audiobook she gave me too.

She said she knows someone who’s really gotten some good things out of it, but to be warned on some of the possible platitudes and language, because she hasn’t read it herself.

So I told her I’d keep an open mind with the words the author uses.

Which, we change the language that authors use all the time in Life Skills, so I’m used to that, and I know exactly what she’s talking about.

(even though I got it on Audible and hated it, way to platitude-y to filter through, I found a different one though that’s much better)

So, I’m gonna start the 6pm changes today.

It’s 2:33pm right now.

So, I have time to wrap my head around it still right now, and we’ll see how it goes.

And I do need to shower today too, so that’s good.

I don’t shower every day.

My skin would get way too dry – so would my hair.

The water at my complex is super hard.

So I do an every other day shower here.

And really, I have done an every other day shower for years.

Sometimes, when my depression and anhedonia are bad, there’ll be way more days between.

But I try, I really, really try, to keep it to every other day.

It doesn’t always work that easy though.

Anyway, that’s not my point.

Well, it does fall under the self care umbrella too.

And I do notice that 9 times outta 10, when I’m mad at myself, something is missing self care wise.

Either I need to shower, brush my teeth, I need to eat or take a nap, or I’m late on my meds or something incredibly simple like that.

Which I’ve found interesting over the last few years.

And I know, with all of this overeating lately, that I have been stressed to the limit lately.

I know that’s encouraging the binge eating behavior.

I just wish I could stop.

I’m really going to try, this next time I get groceries, to just not buy certain things again.

Hannah and I talked about that too.

Just not having certain things in the house in the first place.

And I was really good at that for a while.

Like, all last year, I was amazing at not letting junk food through my door.

But this year, it’s like that filter has been taken off my shopping list.

And Hannah had me go through my feelings of the last time I binged.

We used the time that I bought all the candy bars not too long ago.

And I could vaguely remember what I was thinking – enough to let her know.

I remember not wanting to feel that way, being frustrated, and done with the situation.

I remember just wanting to feel comforted.

Then I remember getting the five candy bars and it was actually two bags of that gourmet popcorn, with the chocolate drizzle stuff on it…

Anyway, I told her when I got back in the car, I remember being excited to eat it all.

And I started eating it, I was just shoving it in my mouth.

Then I remember feeling nothing, and thinking about nothing, really.

Then, about a third or a half way through, I was full, but I kept eating.

Then, I became annoyed, angry even, as I continued to shove it in my mouth, completely ignoring my “full” signals.

And then I became full of extreme guilt and shame as I finished all of it.

She then asked me, “was there any point where you were punishing yourself?”

And I quickly responded “oh for sure, for sure”.

It’s absolutely a form of self punishment for me.

And I don’t know if that had consciously registered until she said that today.

I know it’s a part of my self loathing.

But what I didn’t realize, is that I was punishing myself.

That’s a whole different level of fucked up, maladaptive behaviors that really borders on sh when you think about it.

I’m putting more pressure on my knees.

I’m putting more pressure on my heart.

I’m putting more pressure on my back.

I’m putting more pressure on my bad toe.

I’m putting more pressure on my thyroid system.

I’m making myself more susceptible to diabetes.

I’m making myself more susceptible to heart disease.

I’m making myself more susceptible to a stroke.

I’m making myself more susceptible to high blood pressure.

I’m making myself more susceptible to a heart attack.

I’m just adding fuel to the fire – literally.

If those are not all sh’ing behaviors, I don’t know what is.

It’s like I’m penalizing my current and future self.

I’m consciously setting myself up for failure.

And the bitch of the matter is – I can’t stop.

I just wish I could stop hating myself, ya know?

Why is it so fucking hard to not hate myself?

I know I just did that post on Neutrality – and it’s true, it does work.

But, I still struggle in a lot of areas.

That trick has worked just with my automatic thoughts.

And granted, yes, that does trickle down a little bit into different areas.

But, not a ton.

It’s not like I’m suddenly thinking and doing all of the healthier things, all the way around, to and for myself, because I have some better automatic thoughts, no, that’s not how that works.

It’s all a very slow process, changing yourself is.

And when I keep getting thrown into psychosis episodes randomly, it puts a wrench in my spokes every time.

I get pretty set back from them.

Like this last one really messed up my train of thought and ability to focus and write for a while.

I’m just now coming around the corner from it.

And it’s almost two months later.

I’m still not back to where I typically am yet either.

I know I’ll get back there.

It just takes time.

It’s just such a frustrating wait to get back to that point.

And then the lack of abilities make me want to overeat too – for more comfort and oddly enough, for a feeling like I’m in control.

Even though I know, deep down, I’m not in control.

I have a funny way of lying to myself when I’m in pain.

I lie to myself to be able to do what I want to do – which is eat more.

I’m going to see if I can google and find anything on the science of binge eating and the emotions that go along with it.

**classy hold music**

San Diego’s Evidence-Based Eating Disorder Treatment Center: Center for Healthy Eating and Activity Research talks about how; “people with BED often have heightened sensitivity in the brain’s reward system—particularly in areas involving dopamine, the chemical linked to motivation and pleasure…Bingeing on palatable foods can activate the same dopamine and opioid pathways involved in addiction, reinforcing the cycle of compulsive overeating…At the same time, the parts of the brain responsible for inhibitory control—the ability to pause and make conscious choices—may be less active during binge episodes. Together, these factors can make eating feel automatic, driven by brain chemistry rather than willpower…”

It goes on to say; “Many people with BED use food as a way to cope with emotional pain. Stress, loneliness, anxiety, or sadness can all trigger binge episodes, which momentarily soothe discomfort—but the relief is often followed by guilt or shame…negative emotions such as depression and anxiety are strongly tied to binge eating behavior. The research also revealed that appetitive traits (how a person responds to food cues and satiety) and emotional distress interact. In other words, people may be biologically more sensitive to food rewards and psychologically more vulnerable to stress—two forces that combine to fuel binge eating…Low self-esteem, poor body image, and a history of disordered eating (such as chronic dieting or skipping meals) also play major roles. When someone constantly battles their body shape or eating habits, food can become both an enemy and a comfort—creating a painful cycle that’s hard to break…”

Of course it’s linked to dopamine receptors.

Makes sense – the reward and pleasure system.

Interesting too that the center for “control” is less active.

Kinda super validating. 

Because I do feel like it’s out of my control.

It’s very impossible to reign in when I start eating.

Once I start, it’s like I can’t stop.

I couldn’t relate more to all of this, really.

I for sure have a poor body image too.

I was constantly teased throughout school about being the “fat kid”.

And I have major disorganized eating habits in general.

When I lost all that weight, I was constricting my calories like a motherfucker.

But I don’t know how else to do it.

My body, with my hypothyroidism, doesn’t respond to much but an extreme calorie restriction.

But I was skipping meals like it was my job, and wasn’t eating nearly enough to have it be a sustainable, long-term habit change.

And I absolutely respond to stress, with food.

I eat when I’m feeling down, bored, frustrated, or angry.

Eating in massive quantities absolutely helps give me a feeling of calm, and is self soothing.

That same site also says; “Binge eating disorder is associated with weight gain and a higher risk of developing health problems such as metabolic syndrome, high blood pressure, and type 2 diabetes. The disorder can also worsen or be complicated by other mental health conditions, including depression, anxiety, and substance use disorders…” and “One of the most harmful myths about BED is that it’s about “lack of control” or “lack of discipline.” In reality, it’s a biopsychosocial disorder—meaning biological, psychological, and social elements combine to shape eating patterns…Understanding this helps replace shame with compassion. Just as no one chooses to have anxiety or high blood pressure, no one chooses to live with binge eating disorder.,,”

I really liked this site.

It’s well rounded and to the point.

And it’s so validating.

Because it is a disorder.

It’s something I can hopefully change, with massive amounts of therapy and work.

But it’s still a disorder.

There’s misfirings in my brain that’s causing this.

It’s not something I’m doing wrong.

It’s ingrained.

It’s not full of shame or just pointing out one small study that links binge eating to a possible habit like a lot of/sites I/found…

I mean, I get it.

You found that the brain lights up in a small area, in a few people.

But I don’t think that a habit is the driving force of binge eating.

That’s obviously from people who don’t deal with it.

That’s obviously from a lab.

I found that Wiki has some good information too, as usual.

Wiki says that; “BED [binge eating disorder] is a recently identified condition, distinguished nosologically to separate the binge eating that defines it from the binge eating seen in bulimia nervosa, which involves post-binge purging.” and that just means that there’s no purge after the binge.

There’s no attempt at getting rid of the food that was binged.

I try to change my diet the day after I binge, but I can’t.

I usually, like I said earlier, just binge again.

And Wiki has an entry about that, which I was surprised about, it says that the; “ICD-11 [medical codes] contain[s] a dedicated entry (6B82), defining BED as frequent, recurrent episodes of binge eating occurring at least once a week or more over several months which are not regularly followed by inappropriate compensatory behaviors aimed at preventing weight gain.”

And it’s not because I want to binge again.

It’s not because I want to gain weight.

It’s because I’m hurting, I can’t deal with my emotions, and I can’t change.

I can’t stop.

Because I feel like I have nowhere else to turn to.

Because I feel as if I’m empty, and I need something to fill me.

Even if that something is going to hurt me, and make me feel like shit.

And Wiki goes on to say; “As with other eating disorders, binge eating is considered an “expressive disorder”: a disorder that is an expression of deeper psychological problems…Research suggests that environmental factors and the impact of traumatic events can precipitate binge eating disorder…individuals who had binge eating disorder were more likely to have experienced physical abuse, perceived risk of physical abuse, stress, and body criticism…Other risk factors may include childhood obesity, critical comments about weight, low self-esteem, depression, and physical or sexual abuse in childhood. A systematic review concluded that bulimia nervosa and binge eating disorder are impacted by family separations, losses and big life changes, and negative parent-child interactions…Studies have shown that binge eating tends to run in families…eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia reduce coping abilities, which makes it more likely for those suffering to turn to binge eating as a coping strategy.”

Again, I was intensely bullied as a kid – intensely bullied about my weight.

I was a big kid too, granted.

But I’ve always been tall too.

And I absolutely dealt with extremely low self-esteem, and severe depression at a young age too.

As a family, we had a huge life change (for the better, but it was extremely confusing at the time), when we left the horrible “church” we were in when I was 11 years old.

I went from a strict, religious world, to a secular world.

It was very confusing.

And my eating got much worse after that.

And like I’ve said throughout this entry, I deal with my big emotions, with food.

I use food as a coping mechanism.

Period.

And then Wiki says; “Individuals who have BED commonly have other conditions such as depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, body dysmorphic disorder, kleptomania, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, or an anxiety disorder. They may also have history of attempted suicide and reoccurring panic attacks…Mental and emotional consequences of binge eating disorder include social weight stigma and emotional loss of control. Up to 70% of individuals with BED may also be obese, and therefore obesity-associated morbidities such as high blood pressure and coronary artery disease, type 2 diabetes mellitus, gastrointestinal issues (e.g., gallbladder disease), high cholesterol levels, musculoskeletal problems and obstructive sleep apnea may also be present. One study found a 42% obesity rate in those who have received a BED diagnosis…”

And we all know what my emotional world looks like.

I deal with the bulk of the “emotional consequences” that Wiki has listed.

And then again with the physical repercussions.

It’s scary stuff, ya know?

I’ve had my gallbladder out at the age of 24 or 25.

I had over 35-someodd gall stones, all the size of dimes.

I remember the doctor saying he’d never seen that many gallstones in someone my age, or even had to take out a gallbladder in someone my age.

That’s not all genetics.

Some of it is.

Some of it is eating like shit.

I’ve been “obese” or “morbidly obese” my whole life.

I remember doctors telling me and my Mom that I needed to lose weight from a very young age.

I remember feeling that shame of never being thin enough, ever.

And now, with the binge eating I keep doing, I’m going to be in a shituation soon enough again.

If I keep going at this rate, with what I’m doing right now, I’m going to be right back up where I was in 2024.

I’m going to be right back up to 377lbs.

That’s what I was at my heaviest.

Almost 400lbs.

I know I’m 5’10”, but 400lbs is way too heavy.

And I’m wracking it on right now again.

And I feel like I’m out of control.

I can’t stop.

It’s sorta validating to read all of this – I’ve never done any research or anything on binge eating disorder.

But it’s also terrifying.

Hannah said she was going to do some more research so she would be better prepared for our session next week, to talk about this more.

She said she’s helped clients in the past with this, and wanted to get out her material that has worked in the past for folks.

So, I’m at least a little bit hopeful for that.

It sounds like she may have a trick up her sleeve – a CBT trick.

Which, according to Wiki; “Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) treatment has been demonstrated as a more effective form of treatment for BED than behavioral weight loss programs.”

So, that sounds promising at least.

But I’m not holding my breath.

Nothing’s worked so far.

Hannah said it’s so difficult to change something that’s been a comfort since childhood.

She said trauma is different.

We can single out a trauma, and work on it, it’s negative, we can pinpoint it, we can EMDR it, and work through it.

But a comfort is really, a totally different spectrum.

It can’t just be worked through so easily.

It’s constant – it’s all over the place occurrence wise, it’s constant.

And it’s a comfort you turn to, not away from.

How do I tell my mind and body – both, that something I’ve relied on for comfort my whole life, is actually causing me harm, but yet I still need it for survival, so I still have to partake?

It’s not like a drug that I can just quit.

I have to keep eating.

I have to just regulate it.

I have to tell myself that I can no longer use it for comfort.

Even though everyone in society does.

How in the fuck am I suppose to do that?!

I don’t have the answer…

I’m hoping Hannah can help me.

I’m really hoping I can wrangle in my eating, permanently, for the final time, and stick to it.

This up and down thing, my whole life, is exhausting.

I’ve ended up wearing the same thing everyday because I’ve bought so many different sized clothes over the years that I’ve given up.

I’ve finally found shit that fits, and just bought a ton of them, and wear the same thing everyday.

Because I don’t care anymore.

I’m sick of it.

I’m sick of buying and trying on clothes that never fit.

So I just stopped.

I just wear the same thing every day, and have dozens of the same fucking thing.

I feel like it doesn’t matter anymore.

I’ve been doing this for years now.

Being heavy has made me give up so many parts of myself.

And I want to reclaim them.

But I don’t know how.

I can’t stop binging, and I need help.

I’m hoping Hannah and her CBT tricks hold the answers.

– Keren