nightmares
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Olfactory and Gustatory Hallucinations and Some Other Things…
I took a couple of weeks off. I’m sure you noticed. I just planned on taking one week off, but then I got a cold or flu of some sort and felt like garbage for about four or five days.… Continue reading
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Some of my Current Paranoia and Anxiety Struggles
I haven’t talked about my hallucinations or paranoia or anything mental illness symptom wise in a couple of entries. Not because they haven’t been happening. Just because I’ve been so focused and preoccupied on my physical symptoms, and keeping y’all… Continue reading
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Medical Issues Continued…
Oh boy it’s been a long week. It’s Friday night and I’m just getting around to starting to write. Ah, shit. That’s what I get for being busy. Monday this week I had my primary care appointment. It went really… Continue reading
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A Procedure with a Twist of DVT
I had a sclerotherapy procedure on Friday afternoon last week. On my lower, right leg. Today is Saturday now (last week), and it’s going well. I’m sore, for sure. And a bit swollen. I had to limp a bit on… Continue reading
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I Binge Eat to Cope With my Emotions – My Emotional Relationship with Food
I meant to go to group today, it’s Tuesday. I was finishing up that Neutrality post from earlier this week, and totally lost track of time. I’m kinda mad at myself about it. At least there’s Life Skills tomorrow, so… Continue reading
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Neutrality, The Lost Middle Step on The Journey to Self Love -aka- Holding Myself in Neutrality, Because I’m Not Ready to Even Like Myself Yet
TW: a brief mention of sh, no details, one mention of ideations, no details, self loathing thoughts discussed in detail. I have actively hated myself for decades. I am talking, most of my life. Active self hating thoughts of “you’re… Continue reading
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Chronic Pain, A Divorceiversary, and the Other End of an Episode
My left eye won’t stop twitching. It’s been about four days of off and on twitching. My heart is beating out of my chest – through the twice daily 120mg’s of extended release Propranolol. I’m trying to breathe, but my… Continue reading
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The Pains of Chronic Illness, and, of Course, Even More Doctor Appointments
How did I sleep and injure myself? How did I hurt myself, while I was sleeping? That is seriously ridiculous. My left hip is fucking killing me. It’s radiating into my lower leg, and into my lower back. It sucks.… Continue reading
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Dealing with Anxieties and Friendship, and Accepting my Medications as Tools
It’s Monday today. And I don’t know why I can’t be happy for more than two days in a row. Three if I’m lucky. I started to get anxious again yesterday, Sunday. Had a huge panic attack. I had to… Continue reading
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Stress and Hallucinations
My anxiety has been out of control ever since the airbags randomly deployed in the Pilot at the end of March. I’m talking pretty much daily panic attacks. I’ve been using my TouchPoints constantly. I’ve been taking my Clonazepam and… Continue reading
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Everything is Stressful and Changing
I’m so fucking scared. My apartment complex just got sold. And they fired everyone who works here. I’ve been living here since I moved to Texas, for over four years, and I’m so scared as to what the new owners… Continue reading
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My Anxiety Caused Motion Sickness and Other Shituations…
I’m running on fumes. Emotionally, physically, financially. The whole picture is thin right now. The good thing is that I cleaned out the Pilot (on Friday afternoon last week). Got it ready for today – for getting rid of it… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Fourteen
I had a really good weekend. I’m feeling less anxious from the Honda’s airbags randomly deploying as the days pass. I’m noticing I’m still on edge a bit. I’m still needing my PRN anxiety medication, Clonazepam, 0.5 mg, a little… Continue reading
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My Car Traumas
I’ve been stressed this week. Well, actually, I’ve been super anxious. It’s from what happened with my Honda. I didn’t really go into it last week because I wanted to cover another topic. But I’ll go into it this week.… Continue reading
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How Mental Illness Affected my Ability to Think
I’m exhausted today. It’s Friday and I’ve had a helluva week. Between the Pilot’s airbags randomly deploying while I was driving home on Saturday (yeah, I know, scary, huh?) and dealing with my finances, I’m beat. And I’ve been having… Continue reading
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My Automatic Self Loathing Has Been Quelled
With that rheumatologist appointment last week… I was unpacking it in therapy on Wednesday this week. My therapist said how mindblowing it was. She said it was a horrible thing that happened, but at the same time, she was really… Continue reading
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Food and Hallucinations (and More Doctor Appointments)
I keep having weeks so busy that I have no time to write. I keep forgetting to fill out my mood app every day too. Then I have to go back and try to remember what was going on on… Continue reading
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And Even More Doctor Appointments…
I had a lot more doctors appointments this week. I had sclerotherapy done on my left leg on Tuesday this week. One down by my ankle and another in my back calf – both on the left leg. It burned… Continue reading
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The Doctor Said…
I started crying today. Because of stupid facebook and a bunch of other stuff. But I’m telling you, every single time that I try to reach out or comment on someone’s post on facebook, it backfires on me. People end… Continue reading
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Psychosis, EMDR, and Pain Levels
The other day I was walking Bruce and I had a big visual hallucination. It was like the world was suddenly zooming out. I was looking down the sidewalk, and things were getting further away. Like in the cartoons. This… Continue reading
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Schizoaffective Disorder and Money
It’s been a slow moving week. I suppose that’s a good thing. I’ve been sorta unmotivated lately – unfocused. I can’t help but worry about the future. I’m paranoid about the next steps and what that looks like in my… Continue reading
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Vein Ablations and Therapy
So, the vein ablations are done. Thank goodness. The photo with this entry shows just how drastic of a difference the procedures have made. It’s amazing. I mean, I knew my feet and legs were discolored and swollen, but I… Continue reading
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C•PTSD and Trauma (Medical and Authoritative)
I’m 99.9% sure of my PTSD is actually C•PTSD. I’ve never really given it much thought until this last weekend. I mean, I have, but I haven’t put that much thought into it. I guess I never really looked up… Continue reading
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The Time I Started A Forest Fire
I had a good therapy session this week. My therapist has just gotten her EMDR certification a few weeks ago, maybe a month ago now. And she’s using me as a guinea pig – which I love. We worked on… Continue reading
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Anesthetics Frustrations But Then a Surprisingly Good Visit With My Psych NP
I’m angry this week. Frustrated is maybe a better word. I know it’s from the anesthetics last week. I know it is. It’s always like this. After every procedure. I really wish it wasn’t like this though. It’s super annoying.… Continue reading
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Being Social With Schizoaffective Disorder
I don’t know why I can’t just go out and about and be happy that someone wants to spend time with me. Oh wait, I do know why, it’s the voices. They’re always fucking shit up. Everytime I’m away from… Continue reading
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Capacity
I was having a brunch date with someone Saturday (it went really well!) and he reminded me that people only have so much capacity to deal with things, or to be there for others. Whatever things those may be. Whatever… Continue reading
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The Bug Situation and Being Emotional
This is how my week started… It’s Monday, and I have been so incredibly, unbearably anxious and paranoid lately. Like, crying at least several times every single day, for the past several weeks. And I don’t know what to do… Continue reading
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I’m Not Who I Once Was
I used to freak the fuck out. Over react to everything. Screaming. Yelling. Texting people nonstop about my random issues and problems. I answered the phone today when I shouldn’t have. I was frustrated about my car air and vents… Continue reading
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People Are Ridiculous
It’s been a stupid, shitty week again. High pain levels, and night terrors practically every night. My pain and night terrors have been taking turns waking me up every stupid fucking night. I’m exhausted. Last week was a doozy too.… Continue reading
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This Last Episode
Welp, I renewed my domain name and subscription and whatnot with WordPress today. I’ve been writing at least once a week for this blog since 2022. Part of me says why stop now? Keep bitching and moaning. So here I… Continue reading
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Parts of My Verbal Auditory Hallucinations
I had a difficult realization over this last week. That most of the “neighbors” that I hear talking amongst themselves on my walks are still hallucinations. *sigh* I had noticed that there’s usually not one person outside when I hear… Continue reading
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Thought Loss
I’ve been dealing with a lot of thought loss the last few years. And it’s gotten better. But it’s much worse than it used to be. And I talk about this a lot. You know when you’re mid thought, mid… Continue reading
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My Therapy Journey
I can’t even tell you how many therapists I’ve seen in my life. Dozens, easy. I used to think therapy was useless. What good does it do to talk to a stranger (who you’re paying) about my stupid life? It’s… Continue reading
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A Nightmare and Other Stuff Like Vacation
I had a dream the other night that I was stabbed again. But this time it wasn’t real. I woke up out of breath. I had gotten into some sort of altercation with another woman and she stabbed me in… Continue reading
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Anxiety and Medications
My anxiety has been horrible this week and it’s Sunday. I’m constantly on edge. Constantly worrying that something is about to go wrong. Be set ablaze. Crash. My Dad asked me where the anxiety stems from this weekend. That something… Continue reading
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Social Depletion
I get so down on myself sometimes. I hang out with someone and just end up going home after two hours because I can’t handle being out in public. And I was just sitting at a friends house. I get… Continue reading
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Untitled
It’s been a great week. And it’s only Tuesday as I start this entry. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that. Today I got some of the backpay from my disability claim. I was able… Continue reading
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Fire Anxiety
I’m so paranoid of somethings. Fire is one of them. When I was a kid my brother and I literally were playing with matches and almost started a forest fire behind my parents house. Well, we did start a forest… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Ten
Today is the two year anniversary of A Delusional Predisposition. I can’t believe I’ve been writing this blog that long. Kinda hard to believe. And what better way to bring in the new year than with a medication post. I… Continue reading
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A Weekend to Remember
I had a wonderful weekend last week. It was full of a wedding and blissful food and amazing, loving people. It was terrific. I only really had one hour or so of symptoms, hearing the other people that are really… Continue reading
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Dreams and Nightmares
Some days I just wait to go to sleep. All day long. All week long. All month long. All year long. I usually wake up at the same time everyday. And I try to go to sleep around the same… Continue reading
