I haven’t talked about my hallucinations or paranoia or anything mental illness symptom wise in a couple of entries.

Not because they haven’t been happening.

Just because I’ve been so focused and preoccupied on my physical symptoms, and keeping y’all updated on them, that I haven’t really taken the time to go over my mental symptoms.

There’s not enough room on the entries.

They’ve been amped.

Especially my anxiety and paranoia.

I’ve been hearing the usual, neighbors talk about me.

The demeaning, thought echo type shit.

Where I’m basically hearing my thoughts projected as if someone were outside of me, saying them to me or to other people..

And then they comment on my thoughts as if they’re a typical, everyday normal conversation topic.

It’s embarrassing.

Because not all of my thoughts are things I want people to hear. 

And I feel like everyone can hear them when the voices say them out loud like that.

Even though I know, deep down, that I’m the only one that can hear the voices…

It still feels like everyone can hear them and the conversations around and about them.

I’ve been hearing music lately.

And not the type of music that can drift from a passing car.

The type of music that sounds like it’s in the other room.

On an am/fm radio.

It’s usually some sort of something I can’t quite make out, but is usually a pleasant and soothing sound, something classical-esque.

But surprisingly I haven’t been hearing much of the “radio DJ” with it, just the faint music.

Lots of murmurs and conversations I can’t quite make out too.

I’ve been getting more and more paranoid lately.

I feel like more and more people are watching me.

From out their windows.

From out of the corner of their eyes.

From out of their cars.

I feel like people are talking about me at doctor’s offices.

I feel like people are talking about me in other cars, at stoplights and stopsigns.

I feel like people are talking about me when I go into any type of store – Walgreens to pick up a prescription if the drive thru is busy, the gas station, etc…

I know it’s because of my physical issues.

My compounded physical fucking issues.

I feel so out of control with everything.

There’s just thing after thing happening and I can’t keep track of what’s going on and I’m so fatigued and I fucking hurt everywhere and I just want to sleep all day but I can’t sleep at night I keep waking up in the middle of the night and then I’ll smoke an cigarette and feel so shitty about myself afterwards but I keep doing it every fucking night and I can’t stop.

And I can’t quit smoking cigarettes – I’m trying to but it’s so fucking hard.

I’m really trying to.

I am.

I’ll be great during the day – only smoke like 3 or 4.

And then bam!, the nighttime hits and I smoke 4 or 5 more in a few hours time.

I get so stressed at night.

My paranoia becomes thicker.

The voices become louder and more concentrated.

My anxiety gets deeper.

All of my mental illness symptoms become amplified at night, and I don’t know why.

They always have.

I know I’m not the only one that this happens to either.

I’ve seen posts in various bipolar and schizophrenia groups on fb of folks asking around if other peoples symptoms get worse at night or in the evening, because theirs do.

So it’s not just me.

I know it’s not.

So I have no idea what to do about that part.

I have got to reel it in.

But I’m at a fucking loss.

I came off the Abilify, all together and officially.

Thank fuck, honestly.

I messaged my primary care doctor about peeing my pj pants again, like three nights in a row last weekend, on Monday this week, and she messaged me back that she was taking me off of it.

That the Abilify “wasn’t for me”, and that I need to “stop it immediately”.

And I am ever so grateful for that one.

She told me to leave a voicemail for my psych so he was in the loop, but that if I had to, we’d figure out something else for my Hyperprolactinaemia.

But I saw the endocrinologist on Tuesday and thankfully he said my prolactin levels aren’t that high on just the Paliperidone, now that we took the Haloperidol away, so no more medication is needed for lowering my prolactin if I’m not having any symptoms.

He said since the Abilify lowered it into a normal range, it’s not a pituitary gland tumor.

That the high prolactin levels are medication induced, and since I’m not having any symptoms, no further action needs to be taken and we can even stop testing for the prolactin levels because they’re just going to continue to be slightly high.

So my primary care and I were both excited for that!

Finally some good news!

And I got to get off the Abilify and I did not have to add another medication!

Yay!

But I was honestly pretty fucking annoyed that I had to try it in the first fucking place though.

He couldn’t have told me that prior to starting it?

Whatever.

That’s terrible advice in my opinion.

But, whatever.

Some doctors don’t have sense.

I don’t understand why he couldn’t have told me that coming off the Haloperidol was enough in the first place.

It’s just frustrating.

I feel like a fucking guinea pig sometimes.

Like – try this.

Fuck you, eh?

Whatever, anyways…

I’m hoping I won’t binge eat as much now that I’m off the Abilify too.

I know it wasn’t helping in that fucking area.

I hear folks all the time bitching about how much weight they’ve gained on Abilify.

And I know the Topiramate increase is working really, really well because I’m much more full than I used to be, much quicker.

Like, I know I talk about me binging still.

But it’s easily been cut in half when I do, because I’ve been becoming uncomfortably full much quicker.

So, that’s a huge bonus in my book.

I haven’t eaten any chocolate bars this week – that’s a win too.

Even when I went to 7/11 last night, I didn’t buy any!

I thought about it, but I didn’t do it!

So I was actually glad with myself about something this week – even through the darkness.

I’m going to try to focus on my protein shakes again.

I know I need more protein in my diet.

And that’s really one of the only ways I can get it since I don’t eat meat (unless I’m eating out) and I don’t really eat eggs (I can’t do the smell again, while they’re cooking).

I have gustatory and olfactory hallucinations – where I hallucinate tastes and smells.

They’re not anywhere near as often as my auditory hallucinations, but they’re still there.

My most common one for both is the taste and smell of manure.

Straight up shit.

Especially with meat, eggs, and at times, leafy greens and other vegetables.

It’ll be overpowering.

And will literally taste and smell like cow manure smells as you pass by a cow field or a freshly fertilized field.

And it’ll ruin whatever I’ve cooked or whatever I’m eating.

It hasn’t been happening that often lately, which I’m super grateful for.

But sometimes I’ll only get a few bites in and have to stop.

It really sucks.

So that’s why I tend to eat shittier foods for me.

I tend to stick to more processed foods and when I went gluten free, I tend to stick to chickpea pasta and apples and peanut butter and protein powder because they’re safe. 

They’re not gonna taste like manure on me.

To totally change the subject, I had an ultrasound on both of my legs on Wednesday, for my venous insufficiency appointment on August 31st with the hematologist’s PA.

I’m so nervous for the results.

I have a feeling the follow up “solutions” are going to be a series of lifestyle changes like; wearing my compression thigh highs all the time – for the rest of my life, on both legs, losing weight, quitting smoking for good, and moving more – pushing through my knee and back pain to move, regardless of how much it hurts because my blood flow in my legs depends on it.

I have a feeling I may be required to stay on blood thinners too.

We’ll have to see about all of the above, but I have a huge fucking sinking feeling in my stomach today.

I had to take a Clonazepam and extra Tizanidine even after I got back from the second ultrasound, today, Thursday morning, where they told me they could no longer see the blood clot.

I should be excited, right?

No more clot?!

Everyone around me is excited for me, and I’m sitting here and my stomach is just fucking churning, my heart rate is through the roof, and my mind will not stop racing.

I texted Hannah because of the clot being gone, and because of my reaction…

I don’t know why my response is like this.

She said it’s understandable to be anxious about the venous insufficiency situation.

That it’s yet another fucking (my word) medical issue that I’m dealing with and it’s frustrating to have all of this loaded up on my plate all the time.

So she’s right.

And I’m really being super hard on myself about the quitting smoking.

I just can’t fucking get a grip on it.

I remember last year, when I “quit” cigarettes had become non satisfying. I would have one and they were nothing, two, nothing, five, nothing, no satisfaction. 

That’s how I quit last year.

Why the fuck did I pick up vaping and then why the fuck did I pick cigarettes back up?

Stress.

That’s why.

I know that’s why.

Stress does it every time.

But they’re satisfying right now.

They’re everything right now and I need to change that. 

That’s why I want a medication that can take away that satisfaction again.

That’s what Bupropion/Wellbutrin supposedly does.

That’s why I wanna try it.

It’d just be temporary.

Fuuuuuuuck my liiiiiiiiiiife.

I’m so sick of everything.

There are so many hurdles, left and right.

Everything is difficult as fuck.

And life is just so lonely.

I’m constantly by myself.

And normally I’m fine with that, but lately it’s just making me feel defeated.

My depression has been hitting hard the past week and a half.

I’m a fat fuck who can’t quit smoking.

I just feel useless.

And fucking fat.

Doesn’t fucking help the stupid endocrinologist on Tuesday was like “oh, you’ve gained quite a bit of weight since January, you need to watch that. You need to lose some.”

Like no shit asshat.

What is this? 

Obvious day at camp stupid?

(that’s an Aqua Teen line, I can’t take credit for that, it’s a good one)

But seriously, the stupid observation didn’t fucking help anything.

Just makes me feel like garbage.

What do doctors think they’re accomplishing with comments like that?

Do they think they’re pointing out something we haven’t ever noticed?

Like this is a brand new fucking concept to me that I’ve gained weight since the beginning of the year?

I didn’t notice that my pants had gotten tighter or anything?

C’mon now.

Anyway, I’ve just been feeling like a dumpster fire lately.

At least I’ve had two nurses validate the shit outta me this last week.

One was the home healthcare nurse, and the other was actually the nurse at the endocrinologist’s office.

Both were super nice and sweet.

They both apologized to me for how many medications I have to take.

They both said how difficult life must be for me, that I must be struggling and find things hard.

It’s these glimpses of validation that get me through life.

It’s these types of people that help me understand that I’ve just been given life’s short end of the stick and been given a rough, uneven, uphill road to travel.

They have no idea how much their words mean to me.

They didn’t make me feel better enough to diminish my depression though.

But they were moments of gratitude for sure.

I’m just fucking sad.

Isolated.

I feel like I have to do all of this shit by myself all of the time.

I’m going to most all of my appointments by myself.

I’m sitting here alone 100% of the time.

I’m advocating for myself, by myself.

I have no one to call an office for me and halp me advocate.

I have no one to help me look up things.

Well, my Dad will help me look up things sometimes…

But I have no one to sit here with me and help me google things.

I have no one to walk with me besides Brucie, who’s not great at conversation.

It’s just a lonely existence is all.

And all of my friends are online or in a different state, so it’s not like I can go out for coffee or something with someone.

I’ve got my neighbor to hang out with at least.

I think I’d be in the hospital again if it weren’t for her.

I dunno, I just drove everyone away years ago and haven’t trusted anyone enough to really try and make many friends around here since moving here.

And I hate going out.

I’m way too paranoid for it.

I know I’m not the only one with schizoaffective disorder who deals with this shit either because the folks in my groups on fb always talk about this too.

The loneliness of this disorder is debilitating.

It’s hard when I mishear half of what strangers or new people say anyway.

Until I get comfortable around someone, I can’t trust what I’m hearing them say.

And I lose track of conversations around people I don’t know that well.

It’s bad enough around people I do know.

And oh my fucking god – I’ve been having this issue at my therapists office with this guy.

I mean, bless his heart, he’s got a traumatic brain injury, so he doesn’t really know how creepy he’s being.

But about 8 weeks ago, I was at group, and he followed me outside and kissed me on the cheek – I thought nothing of it cuz he’s done that before, inside, in front of everyone.

But he asked me at that time if I’d like to go tubing on the river and I told him I was super busy and dealing with a lot, but maybe maybe I could find time in about a month, but I couldn’t promise him anything.

He wanted to get my phone number, for the tubing, and again, I thought nothing of this.

I reminded him again that I’m very busy and dealing with a lot, and if I could go, it wouldn’t be until the end of summer, if at all.

So I gave him my number and left the office.

He proceeded to call me four times that day – or maybe it was the next day, I can’t remember, but it was four times, like, within a four or five hour window.

Left like two voicemails.

I was busy the whole time, that’s why I didn’t answer, and I didn’t know his number nor did I have time to go through my voicemails and save his number throughout the day.

Like, what. in. the. actual. fuck.

Like I said, I know he has a TBI, so I’m trying to cut him a break, but we’ve known each other the whole time I’ve been going to my therapist’s office, and all the sudden he has this crush or whatever on me?

I can not handle this.

I do not have the patience for this.

It’s fucking creepy the way he called four fucking times in the period of four hours.

So, these 8 weeks pass and I don’t see him because he only goes on certain days and I don’t usually go on those days.

Flash forward to yesterday, Thursday.

I hadn’t seen him in over 8 weeks, since this whole thing, remember.

It was only 11am and I was talking to my friends, but getting ready to leave.

I had just met a friend there to get something from her, and had come inside to hang out for like 20min.

He had, as usual, said literally nothing to me the entire time I was there, until when I got ready to leave, he got up and came over and gave me a half hug and stood there awkwardly, saying nothing, as I finished my conversation with my friends there.

Just standing there, hovering, saying nothing.

I said goodbye to everyone, including him.

He walked to, and opened the side door to the outside, assuming that’s where I was leaving out of.

Luckily there is another way to leave.

I said, “that’s not the way I’m going, have a good day”.

And I went the opposite direction.

He was attempting to corner me outside.

I don’t know why.

I don’t want to know why.

I don’t care why.

Look, everyone that goes there has mental illness issues or some sort of issue going on.

I don’t do relationships.

As much as I bitch about not having a significant other, or not having anyone, I don’t really want anyone.

All I do is pick the wrong fucking person and end up in a toxic relationship and fuck it up.

I especially don’t need a relationship with someone with a TBI.

I’m in no way shape or form trying to be offensive.

I just wouldn’t have the slightest idea how to handle that or even approach that situation.

So please, leave me the fuck alone.

Now.

It’s awkward.

And it’s fucking creepy.

It’s been over 8 weeks and I’ve given you zero response.

I’m not interested.

Period.

I’m not interested in tubing.

I’m not interested in a friendship outside of the therapist’s office.

I’m just not interested.

And I know, I know, I know, I know he has a TBI, I know this.

But still.

Still.

Like I said, everyone that goes there has issues, me included.

Just because I’m nice to him does not mean anything else is ever, ever going to happen, ever.

It does not give him the right to corner me like that.

I hate men.

They assume, they corner women, they cannot take no for an answer, and they are gross.

Besides, my ex husband left a horrible taste in my mouth for every single one of them.

Anyway, that’s not helping my anxiety or paranoia issues right now, it’s not.

It’s making me paranoid to go to my therapists office – which is a fucking safe space for me.

Or used to be, anyway.

It’s putting me on high alert, in hypervigilance mode while I’m there. 

And I hate it.

I absolutely hate it.

Why do people feel the need to overstep boundaries?

To suddenly change the fucking dynamic like that?

What changed?

Nothing.

Anyway, I’m starting to get annoyed as fuck continuing to talk about this. 

I’m anxious and paranoid about everything right now.

I can’t fucking calm down.

I took so much Tizanidine Thursday night and I still couldn’t sleep.

I couldn’t stop my heart from racing.

I was just sleepy Friday morning when I woke up was all. 

I just had a hard time waking up.

I’ve been napping a lot lately.

And it’s now Friday, it’s 5:35pm and I’m about to nap again before I take Brucie for a walk tonight.

I have to just shut my brain off.

I need to just shut down for a couple of hours. 

Because a lot of this is too much right now.

I just can’t, and don’t want to deal with any of it.

– Keren