Tag: schizoaffective disorder
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The Blockage
It’s been three weeks. Only. And already. Three weeks since I started the daily Risperidone tablets. And only about one week since starting it twice a day. My goodness! How quickly my mood. And ability to think. Changed. In that time frame. I’ve been able to piece things together. Slowly. And be reflective. Carefully. I…
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2020
I’ve been pretty reflective the past couple days. I’m glad to be able to be today. It’s not always an option for me. I was thinking about my divorce. It was finalized three years ago last month. I was thinking about how my mental illnesses showed up outside of myself much more often after it.…
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When My Anger Shows
I get so frustrated with myself. I’m still mad at myself. About raising my voice at the dentist’s office the other day. I hate that I do that shit. It’s super unhealthy. I don’t know why I do it. I can think today. So I’m trying to reflect. Why the fuck do I get so…
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Medications: Part Five and a Half
This isn’t a full entry. More like a quick update. I got a call from my pharmacy today. Just as I got home from therapy. Regarding another prescription. One for all of the breakthrough symptoms I have. Especially toward the end of my injection cycle. My NP decided to have me take a one mg…
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Explaining
I’m realizing that I have a very difficult time explaining what I’m going through. Verbally, that is. I’ve always faltered with my verbal communication. I’ll admit that I’m horrible at it. It’s been one of those repetitive issues in my life. And I never even realized how much the voices alter my ability to comprehend…
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The Bigger Picture
I feel like there are so many things I haven’t been able to comprehend. Especially over the span of my lifetime. I know I’ve said things like this in past entries too. And it’s tough to describe. But not many things “clicked” until recently. And recently, a lot of things have been making more sense…
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Radical Acceptance
I had a ton of breakthrough symptoms this last week. I was severely triggered by a neighbor. I don’t want to go into detail. So to sum it up, she accused me of something I didn’t do. And believe you me, this did NOT help reduce my already dreadful neighbors-are-out-to-get-me hallucinations. Quite the week proceeded…
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Audio Hallucinations
I have been thinking about documenting the voices like this for a while now. I did it a few times (that I can find) in my journal from this time last year. Reading my writings from a full psychosis episode is hard. They’re all over the place and really triggering. This post may be triggering…
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The Neighbor Hallucination
It’s an on going thing for me. Hallucinations are. I hear the neighbors talk about me. Every fucking day. Sometimes I can ignore it. But it’s incessant. It’s been happening for many years now. The last few years they have been narrating what I do every single day. It’s every single time I go outside.…
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The Physical Effects of Antipsychotics
Antipsychotics make me feel like a different person. In the best way possible. Bet you weren’t expecting that one! Or maybe you were. I have never had good side effects from a medication. They always cause me intense weight gain. Fogginess. That gray feeling. Until Invega Sustenna. I have had no weight gain. My blood…
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My Annoying Charm
I have this charm I put on people. I’m annoying. I’m super annoying. I don’t know how it keeps happening. Or what I’m doing to pull so much frustration out of people. But I feel like everyone is annoyed with me. Pretty much all the time. Maybe it’s the stress I’ve been under the past…
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My Needs and Boundaries
I have been trying very hard lately to set boundaries. It’s tough. Some times are better than others. Especially in regards to follow through. I can set as many as I want. But the follow through is incredibly difficult. I tend to sort-of let people know what I need. Basically, I say okay a lot.…
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Everything’s Different
My memory is shot. I feel like my capacity to remember anything has been cut in half since I was in my twenties. And I couldn’t remember anything back then either. It feels like these psychosis symptoms leave holes. They create a time warp for sure. The middle of the night could be two in…
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There But Not Here
Disappointments come in every shape and form. Failure, miscalculation, misfortune. They can make the future seem bleak in a millisecond. Whatever the situation was, it cycles over and over and over in my mind. I obsess and obsess and obsess. What can I even remember? Nothing really. Why did I do that? I have no…
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Self Harm *Trigger Warning*
I know this topic is very sensitive. I normally don’t put individual trigger warnings on my posts, but this one needs it. So, consider yourself warned. I have been writing off and on about this all week. I debated posting this at all. It’s hard to have the balance of not glorifying it, and also…
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Mutating Appropriately
I met with the new-for-me NP at the mental health clinic I go to. The appointment went really well. I felt heard, finally. I was able to take in what was being said. I didn’t have a flood of uncontrollable emotions at any moment. These appointments can be rough for anyone. I have the tendency…
A Delusional Predisposition 