Tag: understanding
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Mascara
I put on mascara the other day. For the first time in months. I didn’t even go anywhere. I haven’t been looking that great lately. Physically. Not saying I look terrible. Just saying that I have been putting in zero effort towards my appearance. It takes a lot of energy to work on my mental…
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Navigating My Healthcare
I feel like I’ve been busy this week. But really I’ve been preoccupied. I had an arthritis medication that the doctor’s office just simply wasn’t doing anything about. I called each day this week. Because I had put in my request last week. And nothing was at the pharmacy. Still. I talked to the same…
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The Blockage
It’s been three weeks. Only. And already. Three weeks since I started the daily Risperidone tablets. And only about one week since starting it twice a day. My goodness! How quickly my mood. And ability to think. Changed. In that time frame. I’ve been able to piece things together. Slowly. And be reflective. Carefully. I…
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The Birds
Things have been really quiet this weekend again. Which is surprising. I get my injection on Tuesday. And I’m kinda thrilled for it. Normally by now the radio noise would’ve merged into voices. And they would’ve been incessant. But today I hear the birds. Which I have only been noticing the past couple of days.…
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Medication Adjustments
This is my 70th entry. This one right here. I never thought I’d continue to follow through with this blog. It’s rewarding. Therapeutic. Satisfying. And I’m getting quite proud of my continued growth. I was looking at some of my old posts. Because things have been much clearer lately. I can actually say confidently. That…
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2020
I’ve been pretty reflective the past couple days. I’m glad to be able to be today. It’s not always an option for me. I was thinking about my divorce. It was finalized three years ago last month. I was thinking about how my mental illnesses showed up outside of myself much more often after it.…
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A Sense of Myself
I have had a significant decrease in symptoms this week. Like, night and day difference. That Risperidone that was added a few weeks ago. Is amazing. In combination with the Invega. Flooring. I’m shook by how much better I feel. I didn’t know this could happen. This quietness. And fading darkness. I’m so glad my…
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When My Anger Shows
I get so frustrated with myself. I’m still mad at myself. About raising my voice at the dentist’s office the other day. I hate that I do that shit. It’s super unhealthy. I don’t know why I do it. I can think today. So I’m trying to reflect. Why the fuck do I get so…
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Disconnections
I realized I had a tooth ache on Sunday. I say that because I knew something was off. I knew my cheek had been sore. The past week or two. I’ve noticed some chewing issues. But it didn’t click. It didn’t register that my teeth were the issue. After my last injection last Friday. Like,…
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Medications: Part Five
After my Invega injections I feel much, much, much more like myself. Whoever that is anymore. I got one this last Friday. And I feel a night and day difference. My anger dissipates. I’m calmer. I’m reserved. Reflective. Pensive. Even if and when I do hear something. I can almost completely shrug it off. And…
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Randomly Consistent
I have a hard time remembering what I was just going to say. It’s like my brain just stops. Or backtracks. And I go completely blank. A lot of times it never comes back to me. But sometimes I can recall it. If someone is helping me. My therapist is used to this from me…
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Enhancing My Misery
Through the struggle of keeping my darkness at bay. My body is rebelling. Friday the tenth was my fifth and final bilateral knee injection of the series of five that I had to get. Every Friday. For the past five weeks. I’ve had to get injections in both knees. It’s a “gel-like” medication that is…
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Emotional Eating
I always denied being an emotional eater. But I eat all the time. I’m usually not even hungry when I do. I’m also sad all the time. And angry. And anxious. So it can all blend together. But honestly, I didn’t think any of it really overlapped. Or really tied into one another. But they…
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Patterns of Good and Bad
Now that I don’t eat cheese. I see tons of commercials for it. Every style. Every type. Pizza commercials are the worst. It’s torture. I just get so uncomfortable. And it’s apparent directly after eating it. So much so that it’s not worth it. An hour of cheese leads to a solid week of bloating…
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Appointment Reminders
My mental health clinic texts me appointment reminders. And since they got this service. I have been getting SO many reminder texts. I honestly thought that they had plugged my phone number into a place holder account or something. Because these stupid fucking reminders are not for me. They need to figure this shit out.…
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Dreams and Nightmares
Some days I just wait to go to sleep. All day long. All week long. All month long. All year long. I usually wake up at the same time everyday. And I try to go to sleep around the same time every night too. I try to at least. And when I wake up. Normally,…
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An Empty Parking Lot
I feel as though I’ve helped destroy my life. Well, let me rephrase that. I feel as though mental illness has helped destroy my life. My symptoms. My lack of decent behaviors. My shit coping mechanisms. My complete lack of insight till recently. It’s tough getting out of these cycles of chaos. They’re so habitual…
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The Bigger Picture
I feel like there are so many things I haven’t been able to comprehend. Especially over the span of my lifetime. I know I’ve said things like this in past entries too. And it’s tough to describe. But not many things “clicked” until recently. And recently, a lot of things have been making more sense…
A Delusional Predisposition 