Category: hallucinations
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Navigating My Healthcare
I feel like I’ve been busy this week. But really I’ve been preoccupied. I had an arthritis medication that the doctor’s office just simply wasn’t doing anything about. I called each day this week. Because I had put in my request last week. And nothing was at the pharmacy. Still. I talked to the same…
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The Birds
Things have been really quiet this weekend again. Which is surprising. I get my injection on Tuesday. And I’m kinda thrilled for it. Normally by now the radio noise would’ve merged into voices. And they would’ve been incessant. But today I hear the birds. Which I have only been noticing the past couple of days.…
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Medications: Part Five and a Half
This isn’t a full entry. More like a quick update. I got a call from my pharmacy today. Just as I got home from therapy. Regarding another prescription. One for all of the breakthrough symptoms I have. Especially toward the end of my injection cycle. My NP decided to have me take a one mg…
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Medications: Part Five
After my Invega injections I feel much, much, much more like myself. Whoever that is anymore. I got one this last Friday. And I feel a night and day difference. My anger dissipates. I’m calmer. I’m reserved. Reflective. Pensive. Even if and when I do hear something. I can almost completely shrug it off. And…
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Explaining
I’m realizing that I have a very difficult time explaining what I’m going through. Verbally, that is. I’ve always faltered with my verbal communication. I’ll admit that I’m horrible at it. It’s been one of those repetitive issues in my life. And I never even realized how much the voices alter my ability to comprehend…
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Randomly Consistent
I have a hard time remembering what I was just going to say. It’s like my brain just stops. Or backtracks. And I go completely blank. A lot of times it never comes back to me. But sometimes I can recall it. If someone is helping me. My therapist is used to this from me…
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Fading Into
The slight amount of happiness I was feeling. From having a glimpse of contentedness. Has faded into a state of semi-darkness. It’s not full blown. And I have had to remind myself I’m in the middle of another fucking med change. And it was my idea to switch it back. So I shouldn’t bitch. But…
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Being Social
I haven’t posted back to back entries in a while. I wanted to tell y’all what I did. After sifting through myself. My attempt at adding logic to it. And debating what was the issue at hand. I got back on facebook yesterday. I need to be social. I’m craving it. Even if just through…
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An Empty Parking Lot
I feel as though I’ve helped destroy my life. Well, let me rephrase that. I feel as though mental illness has helped destroy my life. My symptoms. My lack of decent behaviors. My shit coping mechanisms. My complete lack of insight till recently. It’s tough getting out of these cycles of chaos. They’re so habitual…
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The Bigger Picture
I feel like there are so many things I haven’t been able to comprehend. Especially over the span of my lifetime. I know I’ve said things like this in past entries too. And it’s tough to describe. But not many things “clicked” until recently. And recently, a lot of things have been making more sense…
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Climbing Out of an Episode
Everything was really rough for around ten to twelve days. I finally started snapping out of it on Thursday. My therapist is convinced that my neighbor accusing me triggered me into an episode. I agree with her. Honestly, things had been going really well until that. I almost forgot breakthrough episodes were possible. Symptoms, sure.…
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Radical Acceptance
I had a ton of breakthrough symptoms this last week. I was severely triggered by a neighbor. I don’t want to go into detail. So to sum it up, she accused me of something I didn’t do. And believe you me, this did NOT help reduce my already dreadful neighbors-are-out-to-get-me hallucinations. Quite the week proceeded…
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Audio Hallucinations
I have been thinking about documenting the voices like this for a while now. I did it a few times (that I can find) in my journal from this time last year. Reading my writings from a full psychosis episode is hard. They’re all over the place and really triggering. This post may be triggering…
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The Neighbor Hallucination
It’s an on going thing for me. Hallucinations are. I hear the neighbors talk about me. Every fucking day. Sometimes I can ignore it. But it’s incessant. It’s been happening for many years now. The last few years they have been narrating what I do every single day. It’s every single time I go outside.…
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My Needs and Boundaries
I have been trying very hard lately to set boundaries. It’s tough. Some times are better than others. Especially in regards to follow through. I can set as many as I want. But the follow through is incredibly difficult. I tend to sort-of let people know what I need. Basically, I say okay a lot.…
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Everything’s Different
My memory is shot. I feel like my capacity to remember anything has been cut in half since I was in my twenties. And I couldn’t remember anything back then either. It feels like these psychosis symptoms leave holes. They create a time warp for sure. The middle of the night could be two in…
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There But Not Here
Disappointments come in every shape and form. Failure, miscalculation, misfortune. They can make the future seem bleak in a millisecond. Whatever the situation was, it cycles over and over and over in my mind. I obsess and obsess and obsess. What can I even remember? Nothing really. Why did I do that? I have no…
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Engage the Rage
I think the type of anger I have is a little closer to rage. A thick, stifling, deep, dark red rage. It sometimes feels like my blood is literally boiling under my skin. Bubbling up at least. I can feel it in my veins when I’m angry. My face flushes. I become aggressive and unpredictable.…
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Dissociation and Memories
I have an extremely difficult time remembering anything. Not just a few things in my life. Not just a couple of years. Most of them. I don’t remember much before the age of 12. Since then, there are really big pockets of blankness. Bits and pieces of memory here and there. If I’m lucky. Most…
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Friends
I have no desire to have friends right now. I can’t tell if I’m telling myself that because I don’t have many at all, or because it’s a real thing. But I really don’t have the capability to be a good friend right now. I have way too much happening in my head to worry…
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My [in]Ability to Think
![My [in]Ability to Think](https://adelusionalpredisposition.files.wordpress.com/2022/08/img_2415.jpg?w=398)
I was approved to see another NP at the clinic I go to. I’m glad it moved so quickly. And I’m glad the clinic I go to let me get a second opinion with another provider. I’m just so unsure about the bipolar aspect anymore. In my mood app, I do not see any type…
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My Voices and Forest
In the recent past, my delusions grew and got loud enough to impact every aspect of my life. I have a tendency to become obsessed with certain topics – mainly people and conversations between us, actually. Especially a specific line that was said. A phrase that I will repeat under my breath and in my…
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Transition of Thought
My psychosis episodes warp everything. They pop up out of nowhere and run my entire life until they wear out. Then it can get quiet for a few days. Then it ramps right back up into me. I have been noticing my concept of time lately. Everyday my ability to track time rises and fades.…
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Finding Parts of Myself
Everyday something new happens. Or at least, I notice something new about myself. Like how dairy and I haven’t coexisted well for quite a few months now. Like how my mind overrides me. Like how I have white hairs on the side of my head. I never thought a time like this would be an…
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Lactose Intolerance
For the first time since starting this blog, I haven’t felt like writing this week. I know I will. I mean, I did. Because this is posted right here. So I know I did write. But I seriously don’t feel like it. My entire being slowed last week. Became a vacuum of energy. So exhausting.…
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Madness Leaking
I went from hearing deafening silence for two days to hearing voices again. It’s legit soul crushing shit. I know my symptoms will probably never go away fully. But the two days of silence was very eye opening. It was wild to hear something besides the constant murmurs and non distinct tones. It felt like…
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Silence and Other Senses
It’s quiet this morning. Like, really quiet. It’s Friday, at 10am. People are out walking and driving and everything. But I don’t hear anything but faint background car noises. It’s as if someone switched a channel in my eardrums. It’s a quiet that’s so quiet that it’s oddly unsettling. But mildly refreshing? What the hell…
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Addiction
For many, many years I have been trying to cover my mental health symptoms with substances. Especially my psychosis. Alcohol, pills, anything that I could get my hands on. I was in rehab about 10 years ago, and I remember talking in a group session about how I never thought I’d really hit rock bottom…
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Daylio
Daylio is the name of my mood app. It’s an eye opening tool for me. I can track different moods that I have throughout the day. I can apply whatever “activity” or symptoms within those different moods. Everything is super customizable. But I did pay the $24 for a year’s subscription. And no, I’m not…
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Core Delusion
I’ve honestly felt like a shell of myself until the last few months. My mind has thrived in chaos, for so, so long now. But today, right now, I am sincerely doing good. And that’s so much more sincerely said than I’ve ever been able to admit before. I can’t begin to describe how grateful…
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Employment Issues
It may very well seem to someone on the outside that I am pretty “high functioning”, right? Because I’m writing again, and starting to be able to separate myself from my mind.. However, the phrase “high functioning” is very outdated. It’s really awkward word use, and I think was created by those who don’t fully…
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Medications: Part Two
I was taken off of my Seroquel due to severe physical side effects and complications. At my psych appointment in August, I was to stop the rest of both my Geodon and Seroquel within about a three day period. Of course, me being me, I immediately stopped both and let the new medication of 4mg…
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Side Note
I wanted to say something real quick. I am well aware that my entries tend to focus on a lot of negative things. It may seem to someone unfamiliar to mental illness that I am only focusing on the negative. Well, I can’t speak for anyone else, but depression is what I know best, and…
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Shifting Thought and Behavior
I try to not post twice in one week. But I made that rule up for myself. It’s mainly because I don’t want my writings to be pressured. I want to continue to publish thoughts on topics and not force myself to plug out an entry just because I feel like I have to. However,…
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Paranoia, Hallucination and Delusion
As long as I can remember it’s felt like someone is watching me. I have “heard” friends talking about me since I was fifteen. When I look at the few memories I have, it feels like there was always someone, something waiting, whispering, watching me just out of view. The voices are always just out…
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Sensing Mania
I’ve been so tired the last couple of weeks – I know it’s from my medication changes. My doctors took me off of my Seroquel and Geodon and put me on Risperidone until I can get in next Wednesday for the first Invega injection. After the first two weeks of one injection per week, I’ll…
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Changes
During the past month I’ve been noticing that I have very high blood pressure and quite a bit of chest pains. I didn’t even think about them being from my Seroquel until last Friday. I noticed that overall, I hadn’t been feeling well lately, especially within these last couple of weeks. I didn’t think too…
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Therapy
I have been in and out of talk therapy for quite some time. I was made to go when I was younger. Because, even at a young age, the darkness and doom engulfed my core being. I was originally sent to talk to a middle aged woman named Judy. I remember having to draw my…
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Splitting
I can easily split into a completely different version of myself. Splitting turns me into a person that has an impossible time separating my behaviors from my personality. It’s like my emotions completely take over my mind and body and I lose control of my actions. It feels like someone else is behind the wheel. …
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Medications: Part One
My Seroquel dose was upped again this week. I’m writing this entry through very heavy eyelids. A big downfall for me has always been how exhausted my psych meds can make me. I have taken Synthroid every day since birth, but, psych meds are on a totally different level for me. They work much deeper…
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The Start
When I’m in a high stress situation, I shut down or switch over or snap or split. These actions are attempts at self preservation – and also surface from subconscious neurological misfirings. It’s fear of abandonment. It’s fear of rejection. It’s self sabotage. It’s self loathing. It’s pushing someone I love away because it’s easier…
A Delusional Predisposition 