Frustrated

This week has been decent I guess.

Some family was visiting and I got to hang out for a few hours with them, so that was nice.

My symptoms haven’t been too bad but the whispers and voices have been getting more intense with the Haldol being gone from my system.

I’ve noticed more static and faded voices this week for sure.

My agitation and anger have been showing up more too, which is frustrating.

On the other hand I do feel a little more alert without it.

So it’s a challenge.

Everything’s a fucking challenge in life, huh?

I’ve been walking as much as I can, given my arthritic hurdles this whole last week.

I have to take long breaks between, but I’m working on walking more in general when I’m feeling alright.

The other day after one loop in my apartment complex it felt like someone stabbed me in my left kneecap for about twenty minutes.

That was not okay, but it faded as I rested and I was able to get through the rest of the day with aches and not the shooting, sharp pains, thank fuck.

I was supposed to start with a new therapist this week, but he canceled on me.

Hannah, my now ex therapist is on maternity leave and she isn’t sure if she’s coming back.

I haven’t had a therapy session in about a month now.

It’s getting old, the cancellations are.

I’m trying to take it easy and remain calm, but it’s really fucking frustrating to be counting on a session to just have it be fucking gone.

Oh fuckin well.

It is what it is.

I’ve just been anxious this week.

Not too paranoid, but much more anxiety filled.

Stressed out too.

I’m just tired of waiting, for disability, to be better, with all of it.

I’ve slowly been hearing more and more voices as the week goes on too. 

There’s been another neighbor type voices again with the folks on the apartments to the left of me when I’m outside.

And this week I’ve been hearing much more chatter on my walks.

Frustrating and annoying.

I’d use the Haldol as needed today, but it’ll make me way too fucking tired for the few symptoms I’m having.

I guess I’m really just annoyed at everything.

I feel like I should be doing better than I am.

I guess I really just feel angry, frustrated and stressed out.

Because this is ridiculous, *gestures at my life*.

I don’t even know what to write about when I’m not going to therapy.

This is really dumb.

I’m used to someone’s help unpacking shit and when I don’t have that for weeks on end, I guess I get a little angry.

I’m realizing that I rely heavily on my talk therapy sessions.

That there’s no way I could be left by myself trying to work through and comprehend the symptoms.

And it’s annoying to have to rely so much on something and someone.

Knowing that I still can’t fucking do this shit solo at all is so stupid.

I know it’s only been a year or so of being aware of what I go through and have been going through, feeling, hearing and seeing for the last forty years.

So, I do understand that finding a touch of balance in my life is going to take many more years and years of therapy.

I am just so non functional when I’m not in sessions.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

On a totally different but also frustrating note, I think I’m going to ask to come off of the Invega injections. 

Not to stop taking it, I want an oral form of it.

I can’t keep doing these injections.

It’s too painful.

I was bruised so bad this time and the last that it radiated up my fucking spine.

No, no, and no thank you.

I stopped getting them in my arms because it was too painful.

I still have a spot on my right outer bicep where I think the nurse hit a fuckin nerve – it burns and aches to the touch still to this day.

It feels like a permanent bruise on the injection spot and that was probably about six months ago now.

So I switched to the hip for an injection spot.

Problem is both nurses now have picked a spot almost in my lower back, which is not the hip.

So I don’t know how much I trust them to do these anymore.

I’m kinda over it.

So I’ll see what the psych NP Alex says about it when I call the nurse either this week or next.

I hope, hope, hope there’s a tablet or pill equivalent.

I’m sure there is, but I looked it up and it looks like there is.

So hopefully I can get switched up without any problems.

It’s just been a frustrating week that’s gotten more frustrating as the week progresses.

Oh well I guess, because it is what it is.

– Keren