A Delusional Predisposition
I write about my life long battles with my mental illnesses. I hope to start discussions and break down stigma.
My ability to be self aware is amazingly isolating. I anticipate chaos because that has been my past, yet I dream of future balance.
With writing all of these entries, I hope to provide some insight into my good, poor and other coping mechanisms and behaviors.
I want my words to provide a space, understanding, and insight of how mental illnesses effect everyday life.
“But what if I did tell people exactly what was going on? What if I valued my own peace of mind more than what other people think of me? Would I end up jobless, friendless, and loveless? Would I vanish entirely?”
– Melissa Broder, So Sad Today: Personal Essays
I honestly feel obligated to express myself in writing. It’s relieving for me, and hopefully beneficial for others.
The amount of frustrations I feel from my mental health diagnoses sometimes overwhelms me.
I used to think I caused this.
All of this disconnect and chaos is my fault.
That I could have stopped my brain from being the way it is.
I am the problem.
I needed to find a more sustainable way to emote.
Otherwise I’ll remain by myself.
But, it’s beyond difficult to change the comfortable sometimes, even when it’s toxic.
So, I started writing and kept at it and this blog surfaced through everything.
I’m grateful that you ended up finding my journey.
“The pain of severe depression is quite unimaginable to those who have not suffered it, and it kills in many instances because its anguish can no longer be borne. The prevention of many suicides will continue to be hindered until there is a general awareness of the nature of this pain.”
– William Styron, Darkness Visible, A Memoir of Madness
39 years old.
- Bipolar 1 with Psychotic Features
- Borderline Personality Disorder
- Dissociative Amnesia
- …and more!
This blog contains my personal journey through mental illness. Sensitive topics discussed throughout – with adult language.
“Be dedicated to change the way in which people see mental illness, at all levels of society. If not for yourself, advocate for those who are struggling in silence.”
– Germany Kent
My Latest Posts
- Lactose IntoleranceFor the first time since starting this blog, I haven’t felt like writing this week. I know I will. I mean, I did. Because this is posted right here. So I know I did write. But I seriously don’t feel like it. My entire being slowed last week. Became a vacuum of energy. So exhausting. […]
- Madness LeakingI went from hearing deafening silence for two days to hearing voices again. It’s legit soul crushing shit. I know my symptoms will probably never go away fully. But the two days of silence was very eye opening. It was wild to hear something besides the constant murmurs and non distinct tones. It felt like […]
- Silence and Other SensesIt’s quiet this morning. Like, really quiet. It’s Friday, at 10am. People are out walking and driving and everything. But I don’t hear anything but faint background car noises. It’s as if someone switched a channel in my eardrums. It’s a quiet that’s so quiet that it’s oddly unsettling. But mildly refreshing? What the hell […]
- AddictionFor many, many years I have been trying to cover my mental health symptoms with substances. Especially my psychosis. Alcohol, pills, anything that I could get my hands on. I was in rehab about 10 years ago, and I remember talking in a group session about how I never thought I’d really hit rock bottom […]
- DaylioDaylio is the name of my mood app. It’s an eye opening tool for me. I can track different moods that I have throughout the day. I can apply whatever “activity” or symptoms within those different moods. Everything is super customizable. But I did pay the $24 for a year’s subscription. And no, I’m not […]
- Core DelusionI’ve honestly felt like a shell of myself until the last few months. My mind has thrived in chaos, for so, so long now. But today, right now, I am sincerely doing good. And that’s so much more sincerely said than I’ve ever been able to admit before. I can’t begin to describe how grateful […]
- Employment IssuesIt may very well seem to someone on the outside that I am pretty “high functioning”, right? Because I’m writing again, and starting to be able to separate myself from my mind.. However, the phrase “high functioning” is very outdated. It’s really awkward word use, and I think was created by those who don’t fully […]
- RelationshipRelationships are so, so difficult for me. I’m talking about all of them. Family, friends, significant others, etc… I’ve said before that I have a very hard time communicating. And that’s a big part of it. Another part is that I get offended and frustrated with people extremely quickly. And I usually respond back hurtfully […]
- Medications: Part TwoI was taken off of my Seroquel due to severe physical side effects and complications. At my psych appointment in August, I was to stop the rest of both my Geodon and Seroquel within about a three day period. Of course, me being me, I immediately stopped both and let the new medication of 4mg […]
- Side NoteI wanted to say something real quick. I am well aware that my entries tend to focus on a lot of negative things. It may seem to someone unfamiliar to mental illness that I am only focusing on the negative. Well, I can’t speak for anyone else, but depression is what I know best, and […]
- Self LoathingI’ve been officially clinically depressed since high school. My very first diagnosis was major depressive disorder. A couple years later, the bipolar 1 came along, with its friends surfacing throughout the following years. My darkness just is. That’s the way the cookie crumbled. That’s how I’m wired. I honestly don’t know if I will ever […]
- Shifting Thought and BehaviorI try to not post twice in one week. But I made that rule up for myself. It’s mainly because I don’t want my writings to be pressured. I want to continue to publish thoughts on topics and not force myself to plug out an entry just because I feel like I have to. However, […]
- Paranoia, Hallucination and DelusionAs long as I can remember it’s felt like someone is watching me. I have “heard” friends talking about me since I was fifteen. When I look at the few memories I have, it feels like there was always someone, something waiting, whispering, watching me just out of view. The voices are always just out […]
- Sensing ManiaI’ve been so tired the last couple of weeks – I know it’s from my medication changes. My doctors took me off of my Seroquel and Geodon and put me on Risperidone until I can get in next Wednesday for the first Invega injection. After the first two weeks of one injection per week, I’ll […]
- ChangesDuring the past month I’ve been noticing that I have very high blood pressure and quite a bit of chest pains. I didn’t even think about them being from my Seroquel until last Friday. I noticed that overall, I hadn’t been feeling well lately, especially within these last couple of weeks. I didn’t think too […]
- TherapyI have been in and out of talk therapy for quite some time. I was made to go when I was younger. Because, even at a young age, the darkness and doom engulfed my core being. I was originally sent to talk to a middle aged woman named Judy. I remember having to draw my […]
- SplittingI can easily split into a completely different version of myself. Splitting turns me into a person that has an impossible time separating my behaviors from my personality. It’s like my emotions completely take over my mind and body and I lose control of my actions. It feels like someone else is behind the wheel. […]
- Medications: Part OneMy Seroquel dose was upped again this week. I’m writing this entry through very heavy eyelids. A big downfall for me has always been how exhausted my psych meds can make me. I have taken Synthroid every day since birth, but, psych meds are on a totally different level for me. They work much deeper […]
- The StartWhen I’m in a high stress situation, I shut down or switch over or snap or split. These actions are attempts at self preservation – and also surface from subconscious neurological misfirings. It’s fear of abandonment. It’s fear of rejection. It’s self sabotage. It’s self loathing. It’s pushing someone I love away because it’s easier […]