Suboxone

I can barely walk again today.

This is week three of intense pain levels that show no sign of slowing.

I can barely sit up and go to the bathroom.

Sitting down on the toilet with bad knees makes it a torture chamber.

I took Bruce for a short, super short walk earlier today, and I am regretting that I moved at all.

The pain is so incredible and the inside of my knees are so swollen that I honestly don’t know what to do.

I thought about going to the ER, but that won’t bring anything but a fucking bill that I can’t afford.

Besides, what can they even do for me besides empathize or feel bad for me?

But I feel like something needs to be done about my pain levels because my Suboxone is barely helping today.

I had to take a third one today again – which the doctor okay’s me to do if necessary, so I’m not breaking any of the contract I have with him.

Which is crucial.

And I talk openly about my pain levels and usage to my Suboxone doctor.

He’s one of the more non judgemental doctors that I have right now, I really like our visits, even though they’re short.

But I don’t know where I’d be without the Suboxone.

Probably would be seeking opiates on the street after hitting up another doctors office again, because I can’t bear this pain and I’d rather break the law than be in pain which is terrible.

All is terrible.

But that’s where the Suboxone saves my ass.

It takes away the cravings for opiates that I get all the time, let alone when my pain levels sky rocket, because they do curb the pain at times.

Sometimes it feels like my pain levels aren’t touched at all by anything.

But luckily that doesn’t happen often, but I do feel like I’m on the edge of it today.

And I’d much rather take Suboxone instead of “having” to do street Vicodins or even heroin.

Sure they cut the pain, but I refuse to deal with withdrawals like that anymore.

I’ve done enough withdrawals to last ten people a lifetime.

My pain in my knees, shoulder, ankles, and big toe does lead me to use if I’m not super, super careful.

My doctor and I talk a lot about cravings and I don’t have many at all while on the Suboxone – until my pain levels get this high.

Which just means the Suboxone is usually able to do its job, really.

And I’m grateful I have something that works for me without actively hurting me like the typical opiates do.

Because I hurt enough as is.

Emotionally, physically, all of it, I don’t need to add any more to any of it.

I’m floored by how long this arthritic flare is lasting too

It’s so painful..

I’ve had a flare last around four to five months before.

Let’s hope it’s not that or longer for this one to fade.

I hope one of these nights I don’t get woken up from my pain levels throughout the night and wake up with better feeling joints.

These flares do retreat as quickly as they come on sometimes.

Although I know a big part is that I need to find an orthopedic doctor to do my knee injections again.

I usually get them done every four months, but my rheumatologist doesn’t take my insurance this year, so, she’s out of the picture, and I need someone who’s covered.

(Which is a never-ending war)

I had gotten a new primary care doctor because I had to with my insurance this year (like every stupid year).

So half the battle is done with being established already with the new primary care doctor, now I just need the referral.

So I put in a request for one on Monday via email.

I hope they get back to me soon, I need some relief and quick.

It doesn’t feel like it will fade anytime soon.

And I can’t keep up with these fucking pain levels at fucking all.

It’s too much.

It’s truly unbearable.

Which is why I’m laying down now, misty eyed and trying to sleep the pain away, if I can get to sleep without waking up every time I move.

I don’t even know what this bitching will do about anything either.

I just hate sitting in this by myself.

It’s lonely.

But Suboxone makes my life a touch easier, and that’s all I can ask for I suppose, a little help.

– Keren