During the past month I’ve been noticing that I have very high blood pressure and quite a bit of chest pains. I didn’t even think about them being from my Seroquel until last Friday.

I noticed that overall, I hadn’t been feeling well lately, especially within these last couple of weeks.

I didn’t think too much of anything until I saw my primary care doctor the other day. 

She instructed me to immediately scale my Seroquel dose back.

My blood pressure and heart rate were through the roof and not calming.

I very quickly gained significant weight. 

I’ve been getting dizzy, having heart palpitations, and chest tightness. 

So, I was instructed to pull way back on my dosage and will hold it steady at quite a lowered amount until I can see my psychiatrist. Of course, I had to call her office first thing.

I had to tell her assistant that I’m slowly weaning myself off of the Seroquel due to the physical complications. 

My primary care doctor is so concerned that she put me on a beta blocker this week. 

Hopefully my high blood pressure and other issues dissolve with the Seroquel leaving and I won’t have to take the blood pressure medicine for very long.

Now, I have a journey ahead of me. 

Now, I have to totally come off of the Seroquel, get on a different psych med, and start this whole horrible prescription  guessing game all over again.

I have to reenter the world of trial and error, after trial and error, and find an antipsychotic that works and doesn’t have these awful, scary, side effects.

This situation is so frustrating on so many fucking levels.

My psychosis has been very dulled while on the Seroquel, so symptoms are resurfacing.

I am terrified of my hallucinations and delusions becoming very “loud” again.

At least I am more aware of my behaviors.

I have been trying to document my moods in my phone calendar, waiting to see if a bigger pattern emerges.

I had become quite foggy and lethargic with the amount of Seroquel I was on. 

A type of sharpness is slowly coming back on a lower dose of it this last week.

I am so tired of medication changes.

I feel very out of it.

It is tough to string my thoughts together.

It’s very frustrating that my body can’t take the amount of medication that works really great.

My body rejected what was so helpful for my mind.

It makes me so sad.

I hadn’t had many psychosis symptoms while I was on it, which makes it that much more difficult to come off of.

I am having a hard time focusing throughout this entry.

I’m exhausted.

These psych medications are horrible to come on and off.

I didn’t trust any prescription to help me until my psychosis episodes got so brutal.

My symptoms actually became substantially dulled because of the medicine.

When I finally take the right meds, it’s great. At least for a while. 

This isn’t the first time a medication has caused an intense side effect on me. I’ve taken meds that I’ve had to quit a month or three after starting them due to a rash, or night terrors, or now, high blood pressure and everything else.

The process of getting on and off and on and off of these psych medications is ridiculously torturous.

Side effects sweep over any ability to function, and this beta blocker is making me sleepy.

It’s seriously tough to not lay down and just nap right now.

Coming off of medications is just as tough as getting on them.

I feel like I’m covered in weights and/or magnets and I’m being pulled into a heavily humid weather pattern. 

Every physical move I make affects my ability to focus.

It feels like I can’t be awake and thinking right now.

I keep getting lightheaded.

While writing this entry, I’ve had a hard time staying on topic. 

I decided to just write down what I can.

I can’t track my thoughts into any type of pattern right now..

I can’t focus.

My limbs are heavy.

It’s too bright outside.

I wish it would rain so I had a better reason to stay inside.

My body is achy and I am just so tired.

My mind is limp in sections.

My eyes can’t keep up. 

It’s like, things change colors.

Textures change.

I see a “glamor shots” type haze everywhere.

The paranoia is creeping up.

It’s as if my mood is a couple of moves ahead of me.

These side effects have wrecked my ability to do much of anything for longer than ten minutes.

I keep changing my position. Sit, stand, pace, repeat.

I’m worried and anxious about everything.

It’s terrifying that a spiral is never far away.

It comes back quickly.

My symptoms start to rear up and show face to remind me of who’s in charge.

I’ve already had some hallucinations surface, but I am well aware they are not real – after I physically check that no one is around.

Internally, these symptoms are fairly constant, full of ongoing wars and battles of wit.

Externally, I continue to block most any glimpse of my misery from surfacing.

It’s seemingly impossible to remove all of the sludge of mistrust I have for myself, but I’m trying.

It has taken a huge amount of willingness and want to better myself, and I have been steadily working on it.

Throughout the days, any alertness morphs into exhaustion.

I’m very concerned about these medication changes that are happening.

I have never tried to be as mindful and present as I have this week.

– Keren

*originally posted 8/13/22*

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