My Exhaustion

There are nights where I get plenty of solid sleep and still wake up exhausted.

I know that part of this is my depression.

But another part of my sleepiness is now from being overwhelmed with the difference of my behavior and emotions.

My ability to draw a boundary and keep the people pleasing guilt at bay.

Never in my life have I been this tired.

Never in my life have I heard and seen the things that I do today though either.

And that counts for being in or out of psychosis.

It’s like my episodes are too much for my body and mind to handle so I just kind of shut down.

Not in a normal way in the past of me shutting down though.

This is much different.

This is much more productive.

The sleep, and rest, and sitting around, is very much needed.

It’s necessary for thinking clearly.

It’s not an escape like it has been for so long.

When I start thinking about my voices and how quickly they will ruin my day, I’m now starting to truly understand that my hallucinations are hallucinations.

It is very, very difficult, and impossible at times, to tell myself what I’m hearing is not real.

It sounds real – but why would someone say that?

But throughout this month, my thoughts are able to go wild in a totally different direction.

In a way that they’ve ever been able to before.

I can reflect and process what I’m thinking and feeling and not shove it all down and away like I have for so long.

It’s the most bizarre sensation to be able to reflect and think about my life.

I can now see a picture that is not cropped as drastically as it has been.

It’s not through a filter that would warp everything.

Before the Invega injections, I couldn’t look at my life as a timeline.

And actually, I’m just starting to put the pieces together today.

But I feel like I’ve been saying that everyday for a while now.

It’s pretty intense though, this tiredness.

It’s mental and physical.

It’s laced with feelings of guilt for not being able to properly function.

Some days I feel like I’m just being lazy.

Some days I feel like I should be further along in my recovery.

Within a moment though, I have reminded myself of the physical pain I have to endure as well as all of the mental shit.

My rheumatoid arthritis is starting to have a tell tale sign – my hands have been cramping and have been seriously feeling fucking sore the past few months.

My kneecap has worn out of place in my left leg much more so than the right.

And that’s an underlying issue from a past injury, and my rheumatoid as well.

Cutting out the lactose and finally getting my lumbar ablation and epidural done this month has absolutely helped my body become much more tolerable for me.

But, it’s hard for me to remember that my physical issues are just as valid as my mental ones.

When one is doing okay, that doesn’t mean the other will be.

And I have to learn how to hear my body, like I’m starting to be able to properly hear my mind.

It’s really tough to balance my mind and body though.

It feels like a full time job.

I think that’s mainly because I haven’t been able to do it most of my adult life.

So, I don’t really know how to do it, and it’s tough.

But I’m slowly wrapping my head around things like my lactose intolerance.

And, shit, even my salt intake after getting rid of the dairy.

Some days are easier than others to stay on track and notice things.

I know that my apps that I have on my phone help me the most with staying on point with things.

Even on days where I think I eat a lot of food, I now rarely go over the calorie max on my tracker.

I am an emotional eater, so an app really helps me separate my mind from nutrition and food in general.

I haven’t been gaining more weight though, not lately.

Lately, I’ve been sort of losing weight, which is a great side effect for me right now.

Especially after my Seroquel boom earlier this summer.

I can start to really and honestly feel myself slowly, physically, bounce back throughout this month.

Bounce back from my inability to be there for myself both mentally and physically for years.

This back and forth attention is an exhausting new task for me.

It’s odd to realize that my mind has been in such complete control of me and my surroundings for so long that I don’t even know how to trust my body anymore.

I don’t know if I’ve ever been able to.

But I have to start somewhere.

And I guess today and here would be that somewhere.

So, today, I guess I’ll sit and reflect and be more conscious of what I’m doing in general, because I suddenly can.

– Keren