A Sense of Dread

I showered today.

That’s my big news this week.

I’ve been feeling very fucking meh to blah this week.

Very antsy too, but I’m also not really able to think or write.

But I didn’t get antsy enough to start cleaning or anything like that.

That would be too easy.

Instead I feel a big sense of dread and I don’t know where it’s coming from.

It feels like the earth is going to collapse around me and leave me there, in the open, to be hunted for sport.

It’s just that my senses sense something doomy.

But I always expect something doomy to happen, all the time so maybe this is just that type of thinking patterns surfacing?

I don’t know, but I was talking about this in therapy on Thursday this week.

I’m always thinking I should be there or here or somewhere that I’m not; and that would be better for me and then I’d thrive.

But I don’t know what a healthy me looks like, at all.

I’ve never even really thought about it.

Because then my therapist asked me, what does a healthy you look like?

And I sorta froze.

I’ve never thought about that.

Not really.

I’ve said this before but I haven’t really even thought about what this chapter of my life would entail, what it would look like.

I never thought I’d live this long to be honest.

So why would I have dreamt about what I would be doing in these years?

And now that this time is upon me, it’s quite scary honestly.

Now what?

What do I do?

Who the fuck am I?

What is healthy for me?

I feel like it’s an extensional crisis in a way.

I know that once I have a solid answer for my SSDI appeal, I’m sure I’ll feel more at peace about whichever way they go and my next steps are.

It’s better than being held up in the air like I have been for the last three fucking years.

It’s stressful to be in financial and employment limbo and to add daily symptoms and symptom management and whatever else there is to do in a day and I’m at maximum stress levels.

I’m trying so hard to be at peace with it all, but it’s excruciating some days.

And I can’t stop eating shitty foods.

After talking up my weight loss journey, I start to self sabotage.

I swear I don’t do it on purpose.

I really don’t know what happens other than overwhelm with it all.

It all becomes too much, everything does.

And sometimes I have to stop doing what I’m doing in one area to satisfy another or in order to see the bigger picture in front of me.

I had to take a burst of steroids for my inflammation which caused me to gain a couple pounds and then I get angry with myself for not being able to stick to my lifestyle choices (not a diet).

It’s annoying.

But then I can’t stick to my diet because of my pain levels and a temporary dose of medication?

That’s not cool because if I make excuses or bend here or there like that, I’m not really adhering to what I feel that I need to.

I’m still caving when it gets hard.

And these are no one else’s standards but mine.

And I know that.

No one is making me eat.

No one is making me eat better or worse foods.

Or forcing me to not shower, or any of it.

This is all me.

But I just feel like sometimes, sometimes when I get rolling, a wheel bounces out of place and then I have to focus on the wheel and not the car.

And then sometimes the battery goes bad and I have to focus on that.

And I can’t focus on the wheel and the battery at the same time.

It’s overload, the computer in me can’t handle that.

God forbid I have to focus on a third and fourth thing that’s acting up because then all hell breaks loose and I don’t know what to do.

And then I’ll freeze or fight or run away.

I can’t start things at that point, I don’t know where to do that.

And the car, is totally not in my mind at that point.

Not even a thought.

The few individual parts are though.

And I hyperfixate on them, and not the car as a whole.

And before I know it, the interior is a mess and I’m overdue for an oil change and a wash and I don’t have the money for any of it.

It’s terrible.

Really, it’s just chaotic more than anything.

– Keren