Some Things Are Clicking

I was watching Modern Family today and heard a line that really struck me.

A coworker of one of the main characters said “I eat garbage because I am garbage”.

And that is exactly why I struggle with my weight.

When I think about it.

That’s why I never connected the two.

The line stings.

Sure, it’s funny.

But it’s sad too.

Because it’s a boatload of non coated truth.

I didn’t know how much the voices aided my self loathing.

Until they got quiet from the medicine.

The layers of hateful and horrible comments in my head.

They enable the rage and hatred of myself.

They give my self loathing fuel.

They project their hatred of me into me so I was doomed to think that I hated myself.

And I did.

I haven’t liked my own company since I was a preteen.

It’s a problem for sure.

Not only emotionally but physically as well.

I used to eat and eat and eat and not even notice that I was eating.

Using the food to cover my self loathing and shame.

I would be so confused as to why I would gain weight.

“I didn’t do anything different”, I’d say.

Which is bullshit.

I started eating more because I hate myself.

And I was out of control.

Take even this summer for example.

There are forty pounds of Seroquel weight on me that’s slowly starting to shed.

It didn’t work for me.

And pummeled me further into my delusions.

I gained that weight in just a month or two.

Weight packs on much quicker than I can lose it.

And I don’t notice the gaining of weight until the weight is already there.

But before my Invega injections, I didn’t understand why I was gaining pounds.

I couldn’t see that eating calorie after calorie and moving less from my back killing me would affect me.

It’s like I didn’t get it.

The “ah-ha” moments of putting two and two together  like this come around once a week seemingly.

A phrase or saying I had been improperly using.

A lot of little things “clicking” in my head all the time now.

Because my weight issues and confusion problems have been slowly clicking into place for a couple of months now.

And I’m trying to wrap my head around the rest of it all.

My weight has fluctuated my whole life.

The few years in my mid twenties, I was slim.

I was also using so many substances I couldn’t see straight.

So I don’t necessarily equate being slim with being healthy.

But the weight gain and the idea of excess calories adding on pounds didn’t click.

Again, this is one of those things that are “duh” to most people.

I’d assume.

But I legit didn’t understand until recently.

I didn’t get it.

It never clicked until now.

If I actually watch my calories, I may even lose weight.

I had no idea.

I mean, I knew because people told me and I’d read about it.

But I couldn’t apply it.

I couldn’t comprehend it.

I tried.

But nothing ever worked because I could never remember that I was trying to start a new habit.

And I could never see what I had started doing recently to change the situation.

I felt constrained and anxious using a calorie counter because I didn’t overeat.

(which I now know is bullshit)

And I didn’t know how or why I was gaining weight.

But I wasn’t changing anything.

Or trying to fix it.

I couldn’t.

I knew how I guess.

But I couldn’t grasp onto anything.

This applies to many different aspects of my life too.

Not just my weight.

Since the injections, I’ve been able to start to just do things differently.

I’m not thinking about anyone else’s version of “good” or “bad”.

Or going off of the should’ve or would’ve.

I just do different things than what I normally would.

Literally, simply, doing things differently.

Basically starting from scratch in regards to my behavior.

And moving on from there.

Instead of blowing up at someone and texting a bunch of bullshit.

I write in my notes and never hit send.

Instead of going off on people verbally, I try my hardest to just keep my mouth shut and listen.

And not chime in.

I remember in DBT, they said to do this.

Start small.

And just do almost the opposite of what one would normally do.

Because what I normally do has never worked for me in the past.

What I was doing wasn’t working.

What I normally do has lost me most all of my friends.

And created a lonely life in its wake.

So doing things differently is worth a shot.

So far it seems to be working.

Seeing as how all of my old behaviors were so chaotic and destructive.

Doing the opposite of what I normally would is a much healthier option.

I’m glad to have the clarity to finally understand some of these common concepts now.

These types of things have never been easy for me.

Now I’m able to properly use a calorie counter app, and walk my dog a few times a day.

Take him to the park down the street when I’m feeling up to it.

It’s not a lot.

But it’s what I can do.

And it’s on a schedule and routine now.

I’m just glad I can now understand these bigger picture issues of mine.

It’s refreshing to feel like I’m in control.

Scary and new and refreshing.

– Keren