Blank

I’ve known for quite a long time that something was off with me.

That I don’t think.

Or act like a typical person.

My explosive emotions repel most people.

They repel me most times.

It’s overwhelming to have big feelings all the time.

So when the silence.

And nothingness of dissociation takes hold.

It throws me for a loop.

Just when I think I have all of my ducks in a row.

I realize I’m dealing with something completely different.

It’s showing up different than it has in the past.

It’s taking up smaller chunks of my time right now.

This week I’ve been blank.

I mean blank.

A blank mind.

Empty.

Just.

Nothingness.

And not in a clear way.

It feels like my personality is gone.

It feels like the thoughts were taken out of my head by someone.

It feels.

Empty.

I’ve been catching myself zoning out constantly this week.

And I’m not deep in thought.

Quite the opposite.

It’s like my mind is a chalkboard.

With no chalk.

And it’s been wiped clean.

I didn’t understand what was even happening until I went into therapy the other day.

I was getting frustrated with myself for not paying much attention to anything the last few days.

It’s like the days keep passing.

And I’m not able to focus.

It’s not that I don’t want to.

It’s that I can’t.

And I can’t really remember much beyond what I plugged into my mood app notes.

I’m not able to stay in thought this week.

Maybe it’s because I’m still decompressing from the busy busy of last week.

Maybe last week was triggering somehow.

Maybe it’s from hearing the voices so loudly last week.

Maybe I’m trying to tread water now.

And not fall into an episode.

I didn’t even understand what was going on until therapy.

And I talked about my blank mind this week..

How I feel like I can’t think.

How I try to.

And everything just goes blank again.

My therapist told me that’s very similar to what dissociation can show up as.

And my emptiness started making sense.

We talked about the different types of dissociation.

And how I don’t feel like I’m looking down on myself.

I don’t feel like I’m floating above.

It’s more I don’t feel here.

Present.

With myself.

The days don’t seem real.

I feel vacant.

Like something in me is turned off.

And I can’t find the switch in the dark.

It’s an awkward feeling.

I can’t control my thoughts.

Which I should be used to with all of the hallucinations.

But this is different.

This makes me feel fuzzy.

Hazy.

Disconnected.

I literally can’t think.

Even when I try to.

Especially when I try to.

I can’t.

I feel a little catatonic.

Like I have foam shoved in my head.

And I can’t properly respond.

In therapy we talked about how different these symptoms are from when I’m in a psychotic episode.

Dissociation, for years and years, has been days at a time.

With complete amnesia.

It’s terrifying when I snap out of it.

It’s like I fell into a trance for an undisclosed amount of time.

And I was no longer in control.

I have absolutely no memory of what I did.

Or where I was.

What I’ve been doing.

So this blank mind stuff that’s happening now.

Is a stark contrast.

That’s why I didn’t understand what was happening this week until talking it out.

My dissociation issues are becoming almost easier to recognize.

Not easier to go through.

They’re just not as destructive currently.

I’m not all here.

But I’m not blacking out.

More of a graying out.

It’s like my attention is non existent.

I keep setting this entry down.

And adding about one sentence at a time.

It’s taken me days to write.

Because I can’t follow through.

I can’t remember what I was writing about.

So I delete it.

And started over about four times.

I start thinking about what I’m writing.

And almost instantly lose focus in my eyes.

Before I know it ten minutes pass.

Twenty minutes.

I lose control of my ability to take my eyes off of a certain spot.

It’s similar to a daydream.

But the big difference is that I’m subconsciously doing it to protect myself somehow.

And I think of nothing when it happens.

Nothing at all.

And sometimes I catch myself.

And tell myself to look away.

To blink.

But I literally can’t.

I think my brain just shuts down.

My therapist told me that she thinks I’m shutting down because I was out of my routine last week.

Something that simple can throw me off this much.

And now that I know what’s happening.

I can be kinder to myself.

I can’t help that I dissociate like this.

I’m glad to be aware of it.

But it doesn’t make it much easier.

– Keren