Sensing Mania

I’ve been so tired the last couple of weeks – I know it’s from my medication changes.

My doctors took me off of my Seroquel and Geodon and put me on Risperidone until I can get in next Wednesday for the first Invega injection.

After the first two weeks of one injection per week, I’ll only need it once a month – if it works.

I’ve been catching myself being spacey through this process.

My memory becomes difficult to access. 

My brain can’t work too well through this foggy feeling.

My madness slowly leaks out of its hiding spot and tries to overtake my logic.

Before I know it the hallucinations and delusions can completely take over again. 

It feels like things are forcing me to be on edge.

Am I honestly tired, or is this my darkness creeping up again?

It usually takes a few days to tell what’s actually happening, even then I may not recognize it until the voices are loud again.

I have no ability to stop or contain my mind, that’s part of what makes it so terrifying and frustrating.

To my knowledge, I have no ability to stop or start any of my moods. 

I can, though, attempt to curb the severity of the fluctuations by remaining mindful of how I’m feeling.

But when these foggy, erratic feelings overwhelm me like they have the past few days, it makes me nervous.

I still am not aware of all of my tell tale signs that an episode surfacing again.

I know having a foggy feeling is a part of the early onset..

I am assuming the quick but plentiful rounds of zoning out are culprits as well.

I have rewritten this week’s blog dozens of times. I am having a hard time staying on topic. 

I am having a hard time tying my thoughts together.

Being aware of when my mania and depression hits is much easier than trying to pinpoint the start of my psychosis episodes. 

It’s gotten more difficult to be aware of what my mind is doing in general, though.

I have a hard time trusting myself now.

Trusting that what I’m hearing is actually reality, has gotten significantly harder for me.

The voices talk about me, my life, my actions, my feelings, my thoughts.

They easily impersonate every single voice that’s familiar. 

The way that they talk makes it seem as though they’re watching me through the blinds on my window. That there is a camera in my apartment somewhere.

In the past I would take what I heard and run with it, regardless if I couldn’t prove anyone was actually speaking.

These are moments when the fog is very thick.

I can’t recall what I was just thinking about.

I can’t focus.

I’m fidgety.

My ability to build memories fades in and out.

The most common actions become so tedious and scary.

My eyes come in and out of focus.

The voices I hear will twist and mix into my confusion. I take them as real because when I close my ears, I can’t hear them anymore. 

Just before I get to this point, the blank pockets in my mind make their way to the front and I have problems narrowing down my thoughts.

So, I guess I am noticing some repetitions around these bouts of mental sluggishness.

I have been keeping track of my moods.

I write down how I feel throughout the day, and just notate my moods as events in my apple calendar.

I’m noticing that I’m down for around eight days, and back up for around three weeks, then the eight days of sadness hit again.

It’s interesting to have this data and see it grow into something tangible.

I’m tracking my seemingly erratic feelings to find out they’re not very erratic at all.

As days pass, and my medication changes settle in, I’m feeling more alert than I have in months.

A stark contrast of emotions from the fogginess that was so engulfing this last week.

The problem with bipolar is that when I get revved up, if I notice, it’s usually too late and I’m in a manic episode. 

These times can quickly turn into psychosis.

The psychosis surfaces while mania spins wildly in the background.

When I’m feeling better like I am today, it’s harder to keep track of how I feel because everything is amazing.

I feel weightless.

The sky is bluer.

The air is fresher.

My step is light.

I am on the verge of hyper.

As I sit here and spill out onto this entry today, I can now collect my thoughts.

I’m hoping this new medication combination works better than the last one.

I have to attempt to control this surfacing mania.

I never really know what to do at these times, and that’s gotten me into some shituations in the past.

I’ve seen a slew of poor coping mechanisms come over me in order to deal with this antsiness that’s rising.

Drug and alcohol abuse, self harm, rage, blind oversharing, poor concentration, and many others.

I might have to text my therapist.

I text her so I’m not alone.

It’s very easy to become engulfed by this feeling.

It feels like everything interesting is just outside of where I am.

Like I’m looking in on the grandness of life, which just my fingertips are able to touch.

It sends a shot of electricity through me as I stand up.

I will try my hardest to not let myself slip.

– Keren

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