Medications: Part Five

After my Invega injections I feel much, much, much more like myself.

Whoever that is anymore.

I got one this last Friday.

And I feel a night and day difference.

My anger dissipates.

I’m calmer.

I’m reserved.

Reflective.

Pensive.

Even if and when I do hear something.

I can almost completely shrug it off.

And can ignore and dismiss the voices much much easier.

For the most part.

It calms down everything inside of me.

Because by the end of the three to four week cycle of my injection.

I’m usually in and out of psychosis symptoms every day.

So much so that I can’t take it.

It’s absolutely exhausting.

I always want to camp out at the clinic when it’s due. 

And wait where it’s safe.

Until I can get it.

Because afterwards.

Just hours after my injection.

I feel clearer.

I feel like I can think again.

I’m not hearing the constant stream of bullshit from the voices.

I can compartmentalize.

And be much more realistic.

Without my thoughts being dragged through blindingly thick fog.

After my injections I feel good.

Not great.

Well, sometimes great.

But usually good to really good.

Usually I’m tired for the first day or so.

I notice that after the sleepiness fades.

It’s replaced with a sense of alertness.

It’s a non anxious alert.

A non paranoid alert.

I become aware of my surroundings.

The projector in my mind comes into focus.

And things just smooth out.

The week before my shot.

Especially the week before.

The audio and picture in my mind don’t sync.

There’s a gray film over everything.

Things are distorted.

Sometimes I just see chaos.

Like, scribbles on a chalkboard.

Especially when I close my eyes.

Everything is in shades of gray and black.

And chaotic.

But just hours after my injection.

A lot of that fades out.

It doesn’t drastically stop.

It’s gradual.

And carries into the next day.

And the next.

But it feels quick all at once.

It’s almost shocking.

But in a positive way.

And I know it’s coming at the same time.

I start to feel like a different person.

Someone safe and secure.

I don’t feel like people are stalking me anymore.

Or even really paying much attention to me.

I only hear a dulled radio noise in the background.

If anything at all.

In the first two weeks.

I don’t get pissed off at fucking everything.

I feel like I can relax.

It’s quiet.

Fucking finally.

I get about two weeks or so a month like this.

I feel like I’m in control.

And the voices and shadows are at bay.

It’s like I took back over my mind.

And body.

I feel like the voices push me back.

Like, in my head.

The version of myself inside of me.

Gets shoved around by them.

They hold me hostage.

And beat me up.

And for a couple of weeks out of each month.

I am able to conquer them.

With the help of antipsychotics.

I’m really glad I get injections.

I mean, I use an app for my med reminders.

But it’s nice to not have to worry about that one.

But I may have to have another daily med soon.

The NP I see is concerned about my breakthrough symptoms.

He has mentioned putting me on a low dose of Halidol.

Or maybe Risperidone throughout the month.

Just to curb it all.

I’m surprisingly open to that.

It’s not a horrible idea.

Living with untreated mental illness for so long.

Has left me tougher to medicate.

Than someone who just had a recent and brief episode.

I have nothing but love for antipsychotics.

I know I’ve said that a lot.

But it’s true.

Not like more meds is merrier.

More like another one might take the voices away for the whole month.

And that’s a welcomed thing.

Because I can’t remember.

When I didn’t hear them.

For longer than a couple of weeks.

My therapist still tells me that since I was untreated for my symptoms for so long.

That it will be hard to make every single hallucination and delusion fade.

She made me aware of the possibility of this.

She made that very clear in my first month or so with her.

So my expectations were as non-existent as possible.

Which means I’ve been pleasantly surprised.

Because then I wasn’t expecting a miracle.

And granted, I do feel like Invega Sustenna is a miracle worker for me.

It’s a miracle helper.

I finally found a medication that really works.

It’s not the end of the road.

But has opened up my eyes to the reality that everyone else sees.

Because never in my life have I heard nothing.

Not until Invega.

And I know I’ve been putting in the work.

My therapist reminds me that I get some credit too.

For this different me.

The me I am now.

A healthier version of myself.

Because the Invgea has helped me be able to live through the chatter.

It’s helped me be able to work on myself.

Steadily.

Consistently.

Healthily.

– Keren