I haven’t written anything yet this week and it’s late Thursday afternoon.

I’ve been binge eating this last weekend.

So nevermind my “just eating a bit of junk food” from the last entry.

It got worse, and then it got better again on Tuesday this week.

The last few days I’ve really reeled in what I’ve been eating and have been cooking food, then putting it away for the next day because it’s late, or I realized I’m just not really, truly hungry.

Which is great.

I’ve been having a lot of doctor appointments this week too.

I have a cardiologist appointment tomorrow still, and my Suboxone appointment before that, but that one is over the phone.

We’ll see what my Suboxone doc has to say about my blood clots.

I’m hoping we can up my dose a bit for a few weeks.

Just while the blood clots are dissolving.

Because my pain levels have been through the roof.

I had a pain management appointment on Monday.

Dr Zoch said that we have to postpone my back ablation and all injections for right now.

Anything that would be a procedure or injection we have to wait on for the time being.

Until I get the all clear from the hematologist.

He upped my muscle relaxer for now, the Tizanidine. 

And he asked me if there was any lidocaine cream that I had at home that I could use for the time being, to cut some of the pain levels down.

I said yes, that I had some.

But I didn’t tell him that I hate using it all the time.

It’s hard enough to drag my ass into the shower on a timely basis, but slathering myself in a sticky, numbing lotion all over, every hour, because it wears off every hour, doesn’t sound too appealing.

He asked me if I wanted him to call in Voltaren Gel – I said no because that stuff does absolutely nothing for me.

I mean, I didn’t want to seem ungrateful for the thought, but he seemed to understand that it’s not that helpful.

It’s just ibuprofen in gel form is all. 

And now it’s Saturday night and I still haven’t written anything else…

To continue, my pain management appointment wasn’t encouraging, but it wasn’t discouraging.

Besides the not being able to do my back abaltion, that really fucking sucks.

But it’s all a waiting game on what’s happening with the DVT’s.

He said I still have to have the follow up ultrasound with them still too because it’s the follow up for the sclerotherapy procedure, not for the blood clots.

So I’ll have to go down to San Antonio on the 20th still, even if I have ultrasounds with the hematologist.

And I’m sure I’ll have ultrasounds with the hematologist.

I’m going to ask the hematologist if they can do the follow up for the sclerotherapy, but I’m putting money on the fact that I’ll haveta go down there on the 20th for the follow up with Dr Zoch.

And then I had my psych appointment on Tuesday. 

That went really well.

Alex called my medical issues “complex”.

I said “I know”.

He cut my Abilify in half, but I had already done that on Sunday morning this week, a couple of days before the appointment, because I was tired of peeing my pajama pants at night.

It’s helped substantially.

I have to get up in the middle of the night – usually twice, to use the bathroom.

But that’s way better than peeing my pants or the bed.

I’ll take that any day.

So now I’m just on 2.5mg of Abilify. 

And we’re hoping it still does the job on my Prolactin levels.

I’ve gotta get bloodwork done again here in a few weeks to see about that.

He refilled my Clonazepam – which I was incredibly grateful for.

It had only been 2.5 months since my last refill, as opposed to the 3 or 3.5 months that it normally is.

I had so much stress again the last couple of months with everything.

This was the second time in a row I filled it “earlier” like that.

I only get 30 tabs every time he fills them.

So it’s not like I get a ton.

I get enough to get me through my panic attacks and no more.

I for sure have to ration them.

He was worried I was taking a half tab or so every day, and I told him my panic attacks come in spurts.

I’ll have three days in a row that are really bad, then I’ll have three or four good days.

Rinse and repeat.

I don’t take them every day.

It’s like I’ll take them two or three days in a row, just one tab a day, and then nothing for like four days, then the cycle starts over.

Over and over.

He understood.

Thankfully, he gets me way easier now.

It took a lot of time for him to understand me like this, but he finally does.

Thank fuck!

Wednesday was therapy and Life Skills.

It was good.

I was really tired from the Tizanidine increase.

Folks were poking fun of me (nicely) because I was so chill.

I’m usually anxious as fuck and talking about how anxious I am about something and everything.

But Wednesday I was just super relaxed from the muscle relaxer, ha!

It was nice.

Then Thursday I cleaned the apartment a bit.

I vacuumed and cleaned my bathroom.

Wiped down the cupboards in the kitchen because they were gross and I didn’t even realize it.

I totally forgot to take my recycling in.

That was a face palm moment because it’s literally taking up half my kitchen floor – you’d think I’d remember something like that, but I didn’t.

Oh well, I’ll do it Tuesday because they’re closed on Monday’s.

I need to check on my car title and registration too.

Because I got my registration the other week and the gal at the tax office told me I couldn’t switch over to my handicap plates right away because it would mess up something to do with my title, so I had to wait a few weeks.

And I can’t put my registration on the car until I switch to my handicap plates.

She gave me a number to call in a few weeks, a few weeks ago, so I’m gonna call it Monday when I get home from my primary care appointment.

But I have got to get on that on Monday.

Anyway, Friday morning I had my Suboxone appointment.

That went well too.

Anyway, I’m finishing this post on Monday afternoon..

I was surprised by how un-shocked my doc was about my blood clots! 

He was just like “oh, okay”.

Like, wait, what?!

My life flashed before my eyes in the ER!

(that’s what I told him too!)

He laughed, and said that he thought I had had them before, and that’s why I was having some of these vein procedures.

I said no!

I have never had a blood clot, let alone two of them at the same time!!!

He laughed again and just said “oh”.

Like, what?!

Are you not shocked?!

Are you not terrified for me?!

He was so non-chalant about it!

I had to laugh, that’s how wild it was to me.

But it’s all good, he’s a doctor, I know I’m not his first patient with a blood clot.

He’s seen it all.

I didn’t end up asking him to increase my dose because I had looked in my “extra med bucket” before our call, and realized I have quite a few extra tabs built up, so there’s no need to increase my dose at this time.

And it’s not like I want a bunch extra anyway.

Just like maybe one or a half of one here or there.

Nothing to really increase my prescription, ya know?

So that was fine.

But he did get on me for something.

He got on me hardcore for it.

And I know this is going to royally piss off my parents when they read this, but I’ve been smoking cigarettes for the last six months again.

Not heavy at all.

Like 4-6 ciggs a day.

But it was on top of the vaping.

And on top of the nicotine gum.

Well, I did quit fucking vaping this week!

Bam!!

Quit!!

No more!!

I was vaping like a chimney too.

Like, all day vaping, it was constantly in my mouth and hands.

I quit on Monday this week.

Not a hit since.

Quit the gum this last Saturday.

But I’m about to pick the gum back up because I cannot kick the 4-6 ciggs a day.

I’m fucking stressed.

AND I KNOW IT’S TERRIBLE.

I’M NOT DUMB AND I DON’T NEED TO HEAR IT.

I KNOW IT’S STUPID.

BUT IT’S SO FUCKING DIFFICULT TO QUIT.

I asked Dr Rocha this week, my primary care doctor, if we could try some Wellbutrin for a couple of months, because I had read that it helps folks quit smoking for good.

She said with my Duloxetine it’s not a good idea.

I mentioned that to Dr Thompson, my Suboxone doc, and he said to bring it up with my psych NP because he said he thinks there’s “wiggle room” there.

Lord I hope so.

So I left a voicemail on Friday afternoon for my psych, but I know Alex is only in on Tuesday’s.

So I have to wait.

I’m gonna email his nurse tonight too actually.

I have her email address…

Shit, I’d even look into Chantix at this point.

Which there are horror stories on Reddit about that one.

But Dr Thompson reminded me that it’s just got a black box warning just like my Duloxetine does, and the main side effect is just sleep disturbances. 

So that gave me a bit of relief towards it.

And of course the worst of the worst is gonna be online.

Especially on Reddit.

And all of it was from years ago anyway…

But I think that’s because Chantix was taken off the market, but it’s generic is supposedly available still.

Worst case scenario I’ll be doing it cold turkey.

But I’d rather use a tool.

Damnit.

I hate myself sometimes.

Boo.

I did end up reading that the issue lies in that Wellbutrin makes the Duloxetine stronger, so you’ve gotta lower the Duloxetine dose while on the Wellbutrin.

So it makes sense that Alex would have to manage that anyway.

And I can totally accommodate for that, if need be.

I did end up emailing Andrea, Alex’s nurse, last night.

And I totally forgot that I do even have Alex’s work email address too.

So I’ll wait and see.

If Andrea doesn’t get back to me by Monday afternoon, I’ll just email Alex directly. 

Fuck it!

I need tools to help me, even Dr Thompson said that.

I told him I might just go cold turkey and he said to use the medication – to use the tools, that’s why they’re there, to make life easier, and he’s got a point.

He’s not wrong.

He rarely is.

Anyway, I had a really good, but surprisingly short, cardiologist appointment on Friday afternoon.

She was so nice!

She asked about my eye, and I told her it was Peters Anomaly and she said she learned something new every day.

I thought that was cute.

She said I for sure have a murmur.

But she said something curious that I guess I didn’t know..

That she can’t tell how severe the murmur is without the Echocardiography (Echo). 

Interesting.

I didn’t know that.

And it always surprises me that every other doctor can’t hear the murmur, but cardiologists always can.

Every time.

I guess it’s their training, obviously.

But it never ceases to amaze me how quickly they hear it.

She mimicked the sound and I thought that was cool too.

It’s like this almost extra whooshing noise in the mix.

It’s curious.

We talked a bit about my DVT’s.

She felt my legs for edema, and I didn’t have any.

It didn’t click till I was talking to my Dad on the way home from that appointment that the blood thinners might have taken the peripheral edema away.

He was telling me that a buddy of his takes blood thinners for his venous insufficiency.

And it clicked.

That’s why my ankles have been so thin and normal looking since starting the blood thinners. 

Even without elevating my left ankle and leg as much as I’ve been having to elevate my right leg.

Damnit.

So I didn’t even think to mention to the cardiologist about that until I had already left and was gone.

But she scheduled me for that Echo on Sept 3rd, and then a phone call to go over the results on Sept 10th.

Which, I’m happy I don’t have to come in for another visit, and we can do it over the phone, that’s nice.

But I’ve gotta bring that point up to the hematologist, for sure too.

I should’ve brought it up to the cardiologist.

I wish it would’ve clicked in the office with her.

I’ll bring it up to my primary care doctor on Monday too.

But like I said, it was sorta an after-the-fact realization.

But, next time.

And the next time I talk to her is only a month away.

But the next appointments I have are; my primary care visit on Monday morning, and then the hematologist on Tuesday afternoon.

Then Hannah, and Life Skills on Wednesday morning, and then I think I’m free the rest of the week – which, I’m probably actually not, I’ll probably have to make a lab appointment I imagine.

And then probably have to deal with my registration, my car plates, and definitely my recycling too.

And I have a list of questions going for the hematologist.

I’m assuming they’ll take over the care of the DVT’s.

I’m guessing they’ll wanna do an ultrasound and lab work too.

Of course the lab work.

They’re blood people.

And I’m guessing the ultrasound is pretty imminent too.

More appointments, more imaging.

And I’m really hoping to be put on Wellbutrin for a few months.

I’m hoping it’ll really help.

I guess it’s FDA approved to help with smoking cessation.

So that’s super promising.

That just means it’s been known to help is all, but still.

I just want to quit so bad and I’m having such a hard time quitting.

IT’S SO FUCKING DIFFICULT.

I just want to be done.

I mean, Susan and I were talking about it on Wednesday.

She’s the gal who runs group and Life Skills at my therapists office.

She runs the community art room too.

She’s awesome to talk to.

Anyway, we were talking about harm reduction and how every cigarette reduced counts.

I told her about how much I was vaping, and how I stopped – just like that, and she was telling me how great that was, and how that’s such a huge step.

And I agree.

Because I was vaping a lot.

It was honestly out of control.

I had a huge vape cartridge, and I would go through one a day, sometimes one and a half.

That’s a lot of vape juice to go through.

And those first four or five days were rough.

I was stopping myself from smoking more, because I wanted to, to make up for the vaping.

But I stopped myself, and I didn’t.

And that was huge too.

And Susan told me even if I reduce my smokes by one a week, that that’s a huge step too.

That if I get down to two a day and stay there, that that’s a huge step.

And I agree with her. 

Society is all about abstinence and sometimes that’s just not realistic.

And I wouldn’t think at two smokes a day, that I’d really be addicted anymore anyway.

I mean, maybe emotionally, mentally.

But probably not physically anymore.

But I would honesty still like to rid myself of the last two.

I’d still like to get down to zero.

But I think if I can get on the Wellbutrin that I have a shot at stopping all together and really quitting, quitting.

I really do.

Even though I am a firm believer in harm reduction over abstinence.

Man, to totally change the subject, I woke up this morning with my fucking left knee cap out of place again.

It’s like the third or fourth time it’s happened in the past couple of weeks.

It fucking burns and stabs when it’s happening.

Like, it feels like someone has stabbed me and is holding a hot iron to it.

I thought my pain levels had been bad lately but this took the fucking cake.

I started crying because Bruce was in the bathroom and I couldn’t get in right away and I had to use it.

Not even that urgently, I just had to use the bathroom and started crying because I literally couldn’t step over him.

Normally I can and do.

But this morning there was no way.

So I bawled instead.

My pain levels have still been high, but my primary care doc called in a few 20mg Prednisone for me, and I’ve been taking 1 tab a day, so that’s been very, very helpful for my pain levels.

It always is.

It’s amazing how much steroids help me.

They’re way better than any fucking opiates for cutting my pain levels.

It’s amazing how well they work for me.

But doctors don’t want you on them long term, so that sucks.

I know they backfire, basically, if you take them too long.

Start to make you puff up again.

But speaking of reduced inflammation, I’m floored by how much my edema in my legs has been reduced by these blood thinners.

I’m kinda scared by it.

Scared enough that I have got to say something to the doctors about it for sure.

Because like I said, I didn’t even put 2 and 2 together till my Dad said that.

Like, holy fuck.

And I know the cardiologist on Friday didn’t feel any edema in my lower legs because of the medicine, the vein ablations and sclerotherapies I’ve had..

My legs don’t hurt as much either when they’re touched now either.

Like normally, when she touched them like that, they would’ve felt bruised, and they didn’t, at all.

Curious.

It’s a huge change for sure.

Sheesh.

I can’t get it together right now and post on time.

This is the second week in a row I’m posting on a Monday.

Oh well.

Thanks for reading y’all.

– Keren