So I’m still dealing with my DVT’s this week.

Two of fucking them.

They’re the blood clots that are in my right leg.

They take weeks if not months to go away and dissolve.

And even then still bits and pieces of them could break off and travel to my lungs and heart – giving me an aneurysm, heart attack, or stroke.

My primary care doctor interpreted the ultrasound results for me and said that the one clot that spans two veins; the femoral and the popliteal, is quite a big one, and it blocks 90% of the veins pathway.

And then the other, smaller clot is in the posterior tibial vein, but it blocks 100% of the veins pathway, even though it’s the smaller clot of the two.

I didn’t even know that I had them – I thought everything was fucking fine.

But I guess it can be a side effect from the sclerotherapy procedure, so, fuck my life.

I just hope I don’t have an underlying blood clotting disorder – which is why I have to see a hematologist, to make sure.

That would be a huge fuck my life.

Because then I’d have to be on blood thinner for life.

And I just feel like I got pummeled with so fucking much information on Thursday last week in the ER, and then now, there’s nothing this week

Well, I mean, practically nothing. 

I did ask my primary care provider a ton of questions on last Sunday and Monday morning in her office’s patient portal thing, and she answered all of them, so, thank fuck for her.

Seriously.

I mean, I can’t thank her enough.

I feel like she’s the only doctor I have that thinks that this is as scary as I do.

Even on Sunday morning she was answering my questions – which she didn’t have to do.

My next appointment with her isn’t until Monday the 10th even.

But she’s been answering everything I have regardless.

But since this Monday afternoon, since after I got my pcp’s ultrasound results basically, the second clot results, I’ve been feeling like I’m shutting down.

There’s anxiety, sure.

There’s the thoughts that are circling, sure.

But that’s not the bulk of what’s happening.

That’s not my main emotion or situation.

What I’m more trudging through, is that I’m not over the initial shock yet.

I’m still thinking “holy fuck, I have a fucking blood clot.”

And then as of Sunday when I read it, but really Monday when Dr Rocha confirmed it, it’s “holy fuck, I have two fucking blood clots.” 

And it’s honestly is not much deeper than that.

I mean, yeah, I could die.

Whatever.

I’m closer to death than a typical person is right now.

Like I said, they could travel into my lungs or into my heart.

I could have a heart attack, an embolism, aneurysm or a stroke, and really quickly at that.

But dying doesn’t scare me.

I’ve never been scared of dying.

I’m more scared of Brucie thinking I left him is all – that’s what I’m the most scared of with all of this.

That’s why I want to make sure, if I do die, he gets to smell my body and know that I didn’t just up and leave him..

And I know that having that follow up ultrasound last Thursday really, literally, saved my fucking life.

And just right there, after writing that. I zoned out for about 20 minutes.

After editing it too.

A couple of times.

It’s fucking heavy shit yo.

It’s my dissociation – it’s heavy right now too.

It’s making me so tired.

I’m constantly exhausted.

I think the medication, the blood thinner, is making me tired too.

But I’m sleeping in like, 20 minute increments tho – even at night. 

I’ve been having trouble writing this.

It took me five days to get this far.

When I’m zoning out, I’m getting tired.

When I dissociate, I get sleepy, really, really sleepy.

And lately, I sleep better during the day than I do at night.

I’ll sleep for like an hour or two during the day.

But like I said, only 20 or 30 minute increments at night.

Granted, I’ve been sleeping on the couch, but that’s to keep my body in a secure position.

Right now my heels have to be above my heart if I’m not up and moving.

So every time I’m sitting down, if I’m not eating, my heels have to be above my heart.

So I’m laying down a lot on my back.

Which has been hurting my lower back in all honesty. But, it is what it is.

And anyway, usually, I don’t have any issues sleeping on the couch, so I don’t know what my fucking deal is right now, other than stress.

Oh man, I’ve been having terrible pain levels too.

Terrible pain levels.

Especially when I first wake up – the first hour or two that I’m up have become unbearable.

My stress is playing into multiple levels here, I think.

But I also read that my blood thinner, Xarelto, causes increased pain levels in the legs, arms and back as well.

Which is exactly what I’ve been feeling. 

I woke up on Tuesday morning with my pain easily at an 8.

And it’s been holding steady between a 6 and an 8 ever since.

It’s easily at an 8 when I wake up, and then it slowly fades to a 6 throughout the afternoon, and doesn’t go down any further than that during the day.

But today I’ve been between a 7 and an 8 all day.

Like, okay, I get it!!

For three days really.

Both Thursday, Friday, and then Saturday.

My whole body is on fire.

I feel like I have a terrible fucking flu with no other symptoms other than the terrible, intense fucking body aches.

I called my pain management doctor on Thursday just before 5pm, to see if I could get a prescription for a steroid burst, to help with the pain levels.

I don’t even know if I can do that with the blood clots right now, so I’ll have to wait and see.

But I haven’t heard back as of Thursday evening.

I fucking hurt.

I’ve been popping Tylenol like it’s my job.

Oh, and I had to cancel my dentist appointment for Friday too even.

I had called them to ask them if my appointment was okay or not.

They told me that they want me to have medical clearance before a cleaning right now.

I can’t say I blame them.

I have periodontal disease.

And with the clots and the pulmonary valve stenosis which gives me a murmur and everything.

It makes sense.

Everyone wants medical clearance right now.

I can’t go back to Physical Therapy without it either.

I’m waiting till the cardiologist appointment on Friday the 9th, or the follow up ultrasound on the 20th, for that one.

But I’ll probably wait till the clots are totally gone so I’m cleared to do everything again, without any restrictions.

Because it was super confusing talking about PT with all my doc’s.

The ER doctor and my primary care doctor said I couldn’t do PT right now, but my pain management said it was fine as long as the weights weren’t that heavy.

So that’s super fucking contradictory.

But I went with, and listened to, my primary care doc and the ER doc too.

Besides, I had already talked to my PT doc and he was super not okay about me coming back so soon. 

He said usually patients give the blood thinners a few weeks to kick in – minimum.

He said that PT is usually too much for patients with blood clots to handle right away.

Like no one comes in the first 2-4 weeks.

And he said that he needs medical clearance as well anyway, from the hematologist or cardiologist, so I’ve gotta get that before I’m able to go back.

I know my pain management doc just wants me to keep moving – I know that’s his underlying theme and concern.

Which I have been.

And I will continue to.

But not with the specific exercises like PT gives me. 

Just a general walking like the ER and my pcp doc’s said to do is sufficient.

So I’ve honestly just been setting a timer and walking around my apartment for 5 min increments every 20 minutes or so.

The treadmill was a bit much, a bit fast, even at the lower speeds for me right now.

I asked my pcp if that was alright and she said to keep doing what I’m doing.

I’ve had to make all of these fucking appointments since my ER visit.

This week alone I have pain management on Monday, Tuesday I have my psych NP appt, Wednesday I have therapy and Life Skills and then Friday I have my new cardiologist appt.

With next Monday being my follow up with my pcp.

And I’ve been trying to get a hematology appointment all fucking week.

Like I said, I need to find out if I have an underlying clotting disorder – which, hopefully I do not.

But, anyway, they needed a referral, right?

So I got one for them last Friday.

I called them on four different days this week to be told every single time that they’re “forwarding my referral and someone in the new patient specialist department and someone will be calling me writhing 24 hours”.

So, I’d wait 24 hours and call them back because I hadn’t heard anything.

Finally on Thursday, after I told them on Wednesday that this was the third time I had called, they told me that I needed the imaging report to go along with my fucking referral.

Talk about a heavy fucking sigh.

I told the gal, I’m not mad at you, but I am frustrated with this situation… told her what had happened and told her I’ve had the imaging this whole time on my phone, and could’ve sent it with the referral.

I asked them if they needed the imaging from the original source (the ER) or the referring doctor (my pcp).

They said they prefer the referring doctor which I was at least grateful for because the ER would’ve taken weeks to get it from.

So that’s been decent, but still annoying as fuck.

But good news is, my pain management doctor did call in the steroid burst on Friday morning.

I started it before 10am Friday morning, thank fuck.

It’s turning into Friday evening now and it’s helping a bit, but it’ll help more tomorrow.

It always does the next day.

It’s cut my pain down to a 7 for sure today though.

I’m shooting for a 6 tomorrow.

But today, Sunday, my pain levels have been at about a 7 all day (but that’s only thanks to the steroid burst).

So, no 6, not yet.

I usually sit at a 5 or a 6, that’s my baseline.

So if I can get back down to that, I’m “good”.

But lately it’s just been so fucking high I can’t handle it.

And I don’t know what I’m going to do when the steroids wear off – I’ve gotta talk to my pain management doc about that tomorrow. 

And I’m so exhausted on top of everything.

I can’t sleep at night at all since I started the Abilify. 

Like I said, I’ve been sleeping in like 20-30 min increments at night, maybe an hour if I’m lucky since I got the DVT diagnosis.

Which I found out that the blood thinners can cause sleep disturbances too – great.

But most of the time I have to get up and go to the bathroom at night.

And that hurts – the getting up and sitting or laying back down part.

It’s always the worst.

It hurts my shoulders, my knees, my back.

All of it.

Especially my knees though.

They burn with the movement.

And the Abilify is making me have to use the bathroom all the fucking time, even at night. 

I’m not drinking any more water or beverages than I usually do..

I drink a lot of water to begin with, but no more than normal.

And I told my psych NP’s nurse about it.

And she said it wasn’t a side effect of Abilify.

But when I google it, it is a rare side effect of it.

So…

They just don’t fucking know about it.

I’ve not been able to make it to the bathroom sometimes either.

Which is super fucking shitty, and also a rare side effect.

Only with number one, but it’s annoying as shit.

I mean c’mon.

All to just keep my prolactin levels down?

Which I have had zero side effects from when they were high?

I dunno… doesn’t seem worth it to me.

I’m gonna talk to Alex – my psych NP, about it.

My pcp said maybe if we lower the dose, it’ll stop.

Which, I’m down to try.

Because the bitch of the matter is, is that I don’t have a washer and dryer in my apartment.

So I’ve been having to do sink laundry.

And I had to buy one of those clothes drying racks on Amazon for drying my fucking underwear and my pajama shorts for when I can’t get to the bathroom in time every week.

So then Friday I bought another two pair of pajama shorts because I only had one that was comfortable and that I wear all the time, and when that’s dirty I have this old pair that’s falling apart that I’ll wear, but they’re not really outside appropriate, ya know, so yeah…

Money I do not want to spend on shit. 

But I kinda have to. 

So, whatever.

It is what it is..

Damnit.

Anyway… one thing after another…

At least the pajama shorts fit.

We all know how Amazon clothes purchases can go – this one was a win, thank goodness.

I woke up Saturday morning with my left knee cap – I think partially dislocated.

It literally felt like someone had stabbed it like five times, just in the knee cap area.

For the first 40 minutes or so of being awake, my eyes just watered and I felt like I was gonna be sick.

When I got up to let Brucie out and started moving it, it helped a bit, then I could move it a bit more and a bit more…

Which is why I think it had popped out of place when I woke up.

I woke up quick Saturday morning and wasn’t paying attention to my footing, and I’m sure it was out of place and went back in slowly, as I was walking Brucie in the morning.

My pain level was at a 9 there for a solid 40 mi utes though.

I thought I was going to have to go back to the ER.

I would not have been able to go through the day like that, that’s for sure.

Like I said… one thing after another…

I’m trying to not be too stressed out about things, but like I said, I keep dissociating about everything.

So my brain has been shutting down periodically to try and save myself from being overwhelmed on too many doomy thoughts.

Hannah, my therapist said that that’s understandable, and that’s just how I’m coping with the news of the blood clots.

I told her I’ve been anxious too, and she said anyone who isn’t anxious while going through what I’m going through, at least having an ity bity touch of anxiety, isn’t looking at their feelings, and isn’t processing their feelings properly.

Because anyone/everyone would have some anxiety while going through this.

And she basically said that they’re stuffing their feelings aside and down if they don’t feel at least a touch of anxiety.

It made me feel a bit better to know that everyone would be feeling some of the ways that I’m feeling.

I’ve been so secluded the past week.

I video chatted with a friend on Friday becuase I told her I was feeling isolated.

It was nice to talk to someone who gets several aspects of my life.

I’ve had another friend that keeps calling me to check in and see what the latest appointments are and where I’m at with everything.

That’s been nice, it’s really nice to know she cares so much.

And my Mom came to visit me on Tuesday, that was good too.

She came over and watched a movie with me and took me out to lunch.

But we had to sit at the restaurant at a table where I could prop up my right leg the whole time. 

But it was sweet, because the hostess ended up coming over and talking to us for wuite a while – we had told her that I needed to prop my leg up and I was obviously wearing a compression stocking.

She was saying that she had a heart attack a year ago and her husband was on blood thinners too and had to wear compression stockings.

She asked me if I was diabetic and I said no and she said her husband wasn’t either, but that people like to make assumptions. 

I agreed.

She was talking about how many meds she was on.

I was telling her about my blood clots and medications and now how many doctors I have to see on top of the doctors I already see.

And we bonded over medical trauma and issues that afternoon.

As my Mom and I left she told me to take care of myself and to do what the doctors tell me to do, and I promised I would.

I told my mom that day that I feel like life is giving me a series of slaps.

*slap* quit smoking!

*slap* lose weight!

*slap* take better care of yourself!

*slap* move more!

*slap* elevate you legs more!

Sheesh!

You didn’t have to give me two blood clots to tell me all this!

C’mon now.

But I guess sometimes life has to get serious to get a fucking point across.

Even though now I’ve been stress eating candy bars. It’s pretty much all I’ve been eating.

I just got “the last of them” today – Saturday.

I promised myself it’s the last of them at least.

They’ve been on sale at the 7/11 at the end of the complex and I’ve just been pounding them and protein shakes all week.

At least I’ve been doing the protein shakes, right?

I just ate some oatmeal and apples on Friday, so I’m coming around, slowly. 

I just had to comfort eat there for a while.

At least I wasn’t binge eating – I’m proud as fuck of myself for that one!

Just eating like shit, which isn’t great.

But it’s not in massive quantities, which is better than what I usually do.

So there’s something to be said for that.

With all of this DVT stuff, I’ve been feeling really alone.

And I’ve been longing for someone who genuinely cares about me.

It seems like everyone else has a significant other, or at least a best friend and I have neither.

It just sucks.

I want someone who wants to listen to my mundane dribble and is excited to hear it even.

When you care about someone, you want to know about them, their day, their week, their month, their year… 

Their appointments, their schooling, their job, their parents, their sibling(s), their significant other, their kids, their anything and everything…

It’s not an obligation – it’s a want.

There’s a huge difference there. 

It’s just, I want that is all, but I don’t want to date, or go out in public.

So I don’t know how to get any of that without the other.

Anyway, I got off on a tangent. 

If there’s one thing these DVT’s have really sparked in me, it’s that want.

Because this is a serious situation.

This is, was, and has been, traumatic for me.

I recoiled into myself for a week, not really knowing what’s gonna happen to me.

And I still don’t know what’s gonna happen.

I think I’m gonna be fine.

But there’s no guarantee, ya know?

So, we’ll haveta just wait and see.

But being fine doesn’t take away the scary.

And I’ve just been sitting here, mainly by myself.

Sure folks pop in on my phone for a call, or my neighbor stops by, or someone wants to video chat, and my parents have been great about keeping tabs on me.

But it’s not the same as having someone in the room with me who’s “that person”, ya know?

I know I act like it doesn’t ever bother me that I don’t have anyone.

But it does, the bulk of the time.

And especially right now.

– Keren