I don’t know why I can’t just go out and about and be happy that someone wants to spend time with me.

Oh wait, I do know why, it’s the voices.

They’re always fucking shit up.

Everytime I’m away from my comfort zone (my apartment) they act up.

They start in on me.

It doesn’t matter that I’m on both of my antipsychotics.

There are still breakthrough hallucinations.

When I add the Haloperidol to the Paliperidone it’s not as bad, they’re not as loud.

They get “choppier”.

The sentences get shorter and they’re not as cohesive.

But they’re still there.

But it still feels like I can read people’s thoughts.

And like they’re reading mine.

Everytime I try to be social, I hear people talking about me.

Everytime I go for a walk, I hear people talking about me.

Crowds are really tough for me.

Going out is really hard on me.

I try to play it cool when I’m out and about.

I try to pretend like it doesn’t bother me.

I hold it all in.

I know people don’t want to hear about it.

It’s scary.

And I’m sure it’s confusing for them.

I’m sure they don’t want to hear it.

And honestly I don’t really ever feel like rehashing it and talking about it anyway.

But I can’t control my surroundings, and it’s exhausting.

I’m constantly hearing things like; “she’s looking at me” “can you believe she ____” “she’s____” as I glance at someone or make eye contact with someone.

And the blank is something I’ve never told anyone that I’ve done.

Or it’s a dark, fleeting thought I once had that scared me but stuck with me.

Or it’s something the voices always say but isn’t true.

Then something like “see, she can see me”.

“She ____ ” and they nod their head at me.

And the blank is something dark and something I never would never, ever do.

Something deviant or sexual or disgusting or all of that and then some.

And suddenly this conversation surrounds me, and then over half of the crowd will start talking about me at the same time.

It sounds like I’m in the middle of a crowd of everyone talking about me all at once.

Like I’m the center of the topic of conversation for everyone suddenly.

But the voices are coming from behind me and to the side mainly.

Rarely from in front of me.

But then when I turn to the side they’re coming from behind me and to the side still.

“She can see me”

“See me”

“See me”

“See me”

“She can hear me”

“Fucking disgusting”

“She can hear me”

“Oh, she can hear”

“She can see”

“She can see”

“She can see”

“She can see me”

“She’s sitting right there”

“She said that today”

“She’s got bugs”

“Bugs”

“Bugs”

“Bugs”

“Disgusting”

“She has fucking problems”

“That’s fucking disgusting”

“She has bugs right now”

“I can see them”

“I can see”

“She can hear me”

“Hear me”

“Hear me”

“She can see that right now”

“I know she sees”

“She’s looking right at it”

“She knows it’s about her”

“She knows”

“Disgusting”

“Fucking disgusting”

“She knows”

“They saw her do it”

“Disgusting”

“She’s caught”

“She’s gonna get caught”

“I know they saw”

“She’s caught”

“She can see me”

“She knows it’s because of what she did”

“Look at her”

“She’s just sitting there”

They’ll be talking over one another with similar, looping phrasing.

It’s nonsense, I know, but it’s about me every time.

They’re all talking about me all the time.

They’re all making eye contact with me every single time I look up, I can feel their glare burning into my skull to the side of me or behind me.

It’s all the same shit that I hear all the time.

I’m watching someone.

Someone is watching me.

I know what someone’s thinking.

They know what I’m doing, thinking, feeling, saying before I say it, etc..

I’m “guilty” of something and they know about it.

It’s hard to remember what all the voices say because it’s traumatizing every time and I tend to not be able to truly recall it.

It’s a blackout moment in all honesty.

Like I dissociate really.

What they say depends on what I’m thinking about at the time.

They talk about whatever I’m thinking about in that moment.

Like if I’m thinking about my teeth, the voices will talk about my teeth.

If I’m thinking about Bruce, the voices will talk about Bruce and about dogs, or fires, because I’m terrified of not being home and the apartment catching on fire with Bruce trapped inside by himself.

It’s maddening honestly. 

I’m trying really, really hard to be social and to be a “typical” person.

But I just don’t know if I’ll ever get back to that spot since my big psychotic break.

And that’s okay.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not the same person anyway, so why would I go back to the same social situation?

This is the first time I’ve really tried to put myself out there to make friends and date and it’s kinda overwhelming.

I know eventually I’ll find the balance, but right now I don’t feel like it’s possible.

Especially when my romantic drive is at a zero from where I’m at right now, and my medications don’t help that either.

Like, I have no drive in that area at all.

Not even a spark.

And that’s a really tough thing to deal with while putting myself “out there”.

I mean, I still have my major aversions to being touched, let alone anything else.

It’s really rough. 

I don’t want to hurt anyone or lead anyone on, but how do I know what I want or don’t want until I do the thing?

How would I know what I don’t want or do want until I put myself out there?

The other week I was really ready to get out there and start making friends and date.

Now this week, not so much.

I’m feeling overloaded.

I know another big reason as to why I’m feeling overwhelmed is because I just had another vein ablation on Tuesday.

And the anesthetics always fuck me up for a few weeks.

And I just have like four more procedures to go.

Fml.

I’m just not feeling like being social right now, and I feel bad about that.

I know I shouldn’t, but I do still.

I know it’s just where I’m at.

I know it’s just part of what I’m going through right now.

And if a friend was going through this, I’d tell them to just take it easy, and that the right person will understand the situation.

I’m having to walk for 10 minutes every hour from 8am-8pm, and I’m trying to fit in chores and errands and dr appointments inbetween, and I’m tired.

I know a big part of my antisocial tendencies right now is from the anesthetics last week.

It’s a huge part actually.

That shit always fucks with me and there’s literally nothing I can do about it.

And it doesn’t help my exhaustion that I’ve been having terrible, awful fucking night terrors again lately.

At least I found this old bottle of Prazosin which has been helping curb them a lot, a lot.

But the nightmares have just been so fucking vivid and extreme.

I’ve been waking up in a huge panic pretty much daily because of them.

They’re not necessarily apocalyptic every time, but they’re horribly sexual and just disgusting and tragic.

It’s been getting really old really quick.

And I’m just tired.

I just wish I was in a different spot mentally to be in a different spot socially.

Basically, I wish I could handle more right now.

But I can’t.

And I need to admit that to myself.

I need to move even slower.

And I also wish I didn’t have avoident attachment issues either, that makes things difficult too.

I need to work on that in therapy.

My past relationship experiences including but not limited to my marriage, have painted a terrible, mistrusting picture that I know I still need to heal from.

And I haven’t gotten that far yet.

Part of me thinks I should hold off on dating until I can work through that.

– Keren