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The Foot Shuffle and Other Unhelpful Side Effects
There are several side effects from the Haldol that I’ve been dealing with. They’re pretty frustrating and annoying all at once. I know I’ve talked about the drooling. That’s still happening. It sneaks out of the corners of my mouth… Continue reading
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Childless
Sometimes I regret not having kids. I never wanted any, but I feel like I should’ve over the years. There was a time, a couple of months, where my ex husband and I were thinking about it. He wanted kids.… Continue reading
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Scary Relief
The voices are still here, in case you were wondering. I have been trying to focus on other things while they’re not as loud, but some days are better than others. And the last couple of days I’ve had some… Continue reading
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Dissociation
I do think there are parts of me that aren’t connected. I do feel like I bounce back and forth between myself but at different ages. Ages where something happened or was a turning point in my life. When I… Continue reading
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Shame
I think one of the toughest things with mental illness for me is overcoming the shame of not being a “typical” person. Because I don’t like the word “normal” unless I’m dealing with the smell of food. Like does this… Continue reading
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My Journey With Talk Therapy
I have had a long, tumultuous, relationship with talk therapy. I love it. I hate it. It’s alright. Fuck nah. Just to go back to it’s alright, again. I’ve run randomly through all of these feelings, sometimes lapping over another,… Continue reading
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Self Talk
I have been starting to do more positive self talk this week. Just to myself, in my head. I’ve been really trying to tell myself that I’m a good person. And I deserve to take care of myself. That I… Continue reading
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The Impact
I’ve been having more good days than bad since getting used to the Haldol. Voices and visual hallucinations have been quiet and few, further between. It’s so fucking refreshing. My hallucinations have been showing up in smaller ways. And my… Continue reading
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Behavior
I’m embarrassed about my behavior in the past. I know it’s not good to stare into the past, but I gotta learn my patterns somehow – and reflection is good for that. I was just thinking about all of the… Continue reading
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Depression
Sometimes I feel like my depression takes a back seat to my other symptoms, especially my hallucinations and delusions. I get so worked up over them that I become blind to my darkness. It gets twisted into everything else. There… Continue reading
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Stability Loading…
I’m blown away by how stable I feel. Tired. But stable. Surprisingly stable. I was supposed to get my Invega injection on Friday last week, but the nurse left me a voicemail saying they had to reschedule me for after… Continue reading
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Anything Goes
Now that I’m getting used to the Haldol, I’ve been able to think again today. And clearer than I’ve been able to yet, which is such a welcomed and very promising feeling. Last week was no good for that, but… Continue reading
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Nomadic Protection
I’ve been told that I tend to drop things and want to leave people, places, and things once things get a touch easy. Or hard. Or stangent. Or if I just get straight up bored. I know I’ve thrived in… Continue reading
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The Right People
It’s really hard to wrap my head around things when I don’t remember much. I can’t recall much at all about anything. Why things went sour with someone. What I was thinking. Why this, that, or the other happened. I… Continue reading
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Blurry Noises
I’ve been hearing crowd murmurs for the last few days again. They first surfaced when I was 19 years old. I remember the night that I first heard them. I thought It was paranormal, of course. This hallucination sounds like… Continue reading
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Debbie Downer
I didn’t go to the gym again yesterday. I didn’t want to. Didn’t feel like it. It’s been a rough week. I did go to my schizophrenia support group online Thursday night though. So that helped a little bit. I… Continue reading
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This Too Shall Pass
I noticed a lack of something latey. Music in my head. I used to have music playing constantly in my mind. Tones that I had heard before. Songs that I know. Layered over and through oneanother. Just, really, quite constant… Continue reading
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Defining my Progress
I’ve been really tired this week. Worn out. Part of it is because I was in an episode last week and weekend. It’s so exhausting to have psychotic symptoms. I’m constantly trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not.… Continue reading
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Delusions
It’s all the same. The general idea for my delusions are all pretty much the same base. Someone is after me. Out to get me. Spying on me. Stalking me. Watching me. I call all of these things hallucinations all… Continue reading
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Stress Turns Into Symptoms
I know now that stress plays a huge part in my psychotic symptoms. I never realized how big of a role it carries. My symptoms are dying down again after a few days of being pretty heavy and thick. The… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Six
I was just sitting here thinking and realized that my having a better mood is directly coinciding with the rate at which my immunosuppressants for my arthritis have been working. It’s been about eight weeks of the weekly methotrexate and… Continue reading
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My Relationship With Food
I’ve always used food to cover up my feelings. As a coping mechanism. A way to forget what I was so miserable about. I used to tell myself that I don’t use it that way. That food wasn’t an escape.… Continue reading
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Reframing
I’ve been feeling good the past week. So good I’m on edge waiting for my symptoms to take hold again. It makes me antsy when I have several decent days in a row like I have been this week. Wait,… Continue reading
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Self Care
I’m still struggling with the emptiness. It’s so abundant. My symptoms of hallucinations and delusions have been very quiet the past several days. It’s odd because it’s not that I miss them when they’re gone. It’s just that, from everywhere,… Continue reading
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I Have to Balance
I was wondering about my symptoms that broke through last week. Once they started to quiet a little, I could think again. I’ve been thinking about it a lot since it happened actually. And I’m pretty sure that the recent… Continue reading
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Chatty
I used to be so chatty. I worked retail most all my life, so being paid to be a social butterfly was a good fit for me. But that’s all changed now. And since, I’ve noticed a change in myself… Continue reading
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Thoughts vs Auditory Hallucinations
I know it may be a bit hard to imagine what auditory hallucinations sound like. Believe me, I wish that no one would ever experience them. Ever. I wish it wasn’t even an option. But unfortunately it is. And I’d… Continue reading
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Negativity
It may seem as though I’m extremely negative while reading through my writings. That’s because I am. I’ll own it. I’ve grown into the negativity over the years. It’s been doomy in my head for decades now. In my experience,… Continue reading
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Holding Friends Hostage
Sometimes the people in our life try their best to understand mental illness. And it still falls short. Sometimes the people in our life won’t understand. And it’s not productive to hold that against them. There have been a lot… Continue reading
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Symptoms and Behavior
There’s a huge difference between symptoms and behavior. They do overlap. Quite often. And quite detrimentally at times. But they are very different parts of me. I thought they were kinda one in the same until this week. Behavior is… Continue reading
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Blank
I’ve known for quite a long time that something was off with me. That I don’t think. Or act like a typical person. My explosive emotions repel most people. They repel me most times. It’s overwhelming to have big feelings… Continue reading
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Internally
I got in some good decompression last week. I can’t help but notice. That I’ve had a few days without symptoms now. It’s refreshing to not hear the voices constantly. Even though I don’t expect it to last long. Ever.… Continue reading
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Inflammation
It’s always there. Inflammation is. I feel puffy. Everywhere. And do almost all the time. It’s gotten better since I cut out dairy products. But good lort. It can calm down anytime now. But I know it won’t without medication.… Continue reading
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Mascara
I put on mascara the other day. For the first time in months. I didn’t even go anywhere. I haven’t been looking that great lately. Physically. Not saying I look terrible. Just saying that I have been putting in zero… Continue reading
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Navigating My Mental Healthcare
I feel like I’ve been busy this week. But really I’ve been preoccupied. I had an arthritis medication that the doctor’s office just simply wasn’t doing anything about. I called each day this week. Because I had put in my… Continue reading
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The Blockage
It’s been three weeks. Only. And already. Three weeks since I started the daily Risperidone tablets. And only about one week since starting it twice a day. My goodness! How quickly my mood. And ability to think. Changed. In that… Continue reading
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The Birds
Things have been really quiet this weekend again. Which is surprising. I get my injection on Tuesday. And I’m kinda thrilled for it. Normally by now the radio noise would’ve merged into voices. And they would’ve been incessant. But today… Continue reading
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Medication Adjustments
This is my 70th entry. This one right here. I never thought I’d continue to follow through with this blog. It’s rewarding. Therapeutic. Satisfying. And I’m getting quite proud of my continued growth. I was looking at some of my… Continue reading
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2020
I’ve been pretty reflective the past couple days. I’m glad to be able to be today. It’s not always an option for me. I was thinking about my divorce. It was finalized three years ago last month. I was thinking… Continue reading
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A Sense of Myself
I have had a significant decrease in symptoms this week. Like, night and day difference. That Risperidone that was added a few weeks ago. Is amazing. In combination with the Invega. Flooring. I’m shook by how much better I feel.… Continue reading
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When My Anger Shows
I get so frustrated with myself. I’m still mad at myself. About raising my voice at the dentist’s office the other day. I hate that I do that shit. It’s super unhealthy. I don’t know why I do it. I… Continue reading
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Randomly Consistent
I have a hard time remembering what I was just going to say. It’s like my brain just stops. Or backtracks. And I go completely blank. A lot of times it never comes back to me. But sometimes I can… Continue reading
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Being Social
I haven’t posted back to back entries in a while. I wanted to tell y’all what I did. After sifting through myself. My attempt at adding logic to it. And debating what was the issue at hand. I got back… Continue reading
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Emotional Eating
I always denied being an emotional eater. But I eat all the time. I’m usually not even hungry when I do. I’m also sad all the time. And angry. And anxious. So it can all blend together. But honestly, I… Continue reading
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Patterns of Good and Bad
Now that I don’t eat cheese. I see tons of commercials for it. Every style. Every type. Pizza commercials are the worst. It’s torture. I just get so uncomfortable. And it’s apparent directly after eating it. So much so that… Continue reading
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Dreams and Nightmares
Some days I just wait to go to sleep. All day long. All week long. All month long. All year long. I usually wake up at the same time everyday. And I try to go to sleep around the same… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Four
Honestly, I have always been awful about taking my meds. Any of them. All of them. I’ve gone days or even weeks without taking them. Then I would start taking them again suddenly and get that roller coaster effect. I… Continue reading
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An Empty Parking Lot
I feel as though I’ve helped destroy my life. Well, let me rephrase that. I feel as though mental illness has helped destroy my life. My symptoms. My lack of decent behaviors. My shit coping mechanisms. My complete lack of… Continue reading
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The Bigger Picture
I feel like there are so many things I haven’t been able to comprehend. Especially over the span of my lifetime. I know I’ve said things like this in past entries too. And it’s tough to describe. But not many… Continue reading
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Climbing Out of an Episode
Everything was really rough for around ten to twelve days. I finally started snapping out of it on Thursday. My therapist is convinced that my neighbor accusing me triggered me into an episode. I agree with her. Honestly, things had… Continue reading
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Some Things Are Clicking
I was watching Modern Family today and heard a line that really struck me. A coworker of one of the main characters said “I eat garbage because I am garbage”. And that is exactly why I struggle with my weight.… Continue reading
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Word Usage
The overuse of certain mental illness words or symptoms is out of control. I’m sure it used to be much, much worse than it is now. But the stigma is still here. “Oh, they’re acting so manic.” “Oh, she’s crazy.”… Continue reading
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Friends: Part Two
I used to get so frustrated with some of my friends. I mean, almost enraged at times. And I was never afraid to show it. With actions or words. Or tone of voice. I never said I wasn’t toxic before… Continue reading
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The Physical Effects of Antipsychotics
Antipsychotics make me feel like a different person. In the best way possible. Bet you weren’t expecting that one! Or maybe you were. I have never had good side effects from a medication. They always cause me intense weight gain.… Continue reading
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The Water Park Bridge
Before my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, I had bipolar 1. It was always “severe”. And the mental health care folks that I was working with, knew something else was going on. They just weren’t sure of what. A few years… Continue reading
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Habits
I’m trying to reframe things in my mind as the weekend is about to hit again. I’ve just been so frustrated with everything the past few weeks. Everything kind of collapsed. I had to just sit and let the anger… Continue reading
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My Annoying Charm
I have this charm I put on people. I’m annoying. I’m super annoying. I don’t know how it keeps happening. Or what I’m doing to pull so much frustration out of people. But I feel like everyone is annoyed with… Continue reading
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Everything’s Different
My memory is shot. I feel like my capacity to remember anything has been cut in half since I was in my twenties. And I couldn’t remember anything back then either. It feels like these psychosis symptoms leave holes. They… Continue reading
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Stupid Arthritis
I’ve been in a foul mood all week. I don’t talk much about my physical issues on here. But I decided it’s time to do so. My physical pain makes my mind bounce off the walls. It helps my darkness… Continue reading
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Homesick
I’m noticing that my depression is rearing its ugly head. It’s surfacing pretty gradually this go-around. Sometimes it hits like a freight train though. It’s self loathing and doubt. It’s soul crushing shit. With the voices and everything that take… Continue reading
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DBT and BPD
I’ve been working on a DBT workbook that I ordered. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It’s for people who basically, can’t control their emotions. Find out more about DBT here. I started thinking about DBT again because I am… Continue reading
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Engage the Rage
I think the type of anger I have is a little closer to rage. A thick, stifling, deep, dark red rage. It sometimes feels like my blood is literally boiling under my skin. Bubbling up at least. I can feel… Continue reading
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Mutating Appropriately
I met with the new-for-me NP at the mental health clinic I go to. The appointment went really well. I felt heard, finally. I was able to take in what was being said. I didn’t have a flood of uncontrollable… Continue reading
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Loaded Questions
I have been very awkward in public lately. I’m terrified of people talking to me. Or about me. Probably because I always feel like people are talking about me. One harmless side glance starts a wave of paranoid thoughts through… Continue reading
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Inner Voices
It’s been long enough that I don’t feel like I’ll ruin it if I bring it up now. My inner voices have been beautifully silent lately. It’s been about three weeks now. These are not the same voices I have… Continue reading
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My Exhaustion
There are nights where I get plenty of solid sleep and still wake up exhausted. I know that part of this is my depression. But another part of my sleepiness is now from being overwhelmed with the difference of my… Continue reading
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Retail, Behavior and Social Skills
I always say that I’m not social anymore because of all of the years of retail I’ve worked. So, so many years of constant human interaction. Bad days, good days, sick days, it doesn’t matter. I have had to interact… Continue reading
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Friends
I have no desire to have friends right now. I can’t tell if I’m telling myself that because I don’t have many at all, or because it’s a real thing. But I really don’t have the capability to be a… Continue reading
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My [in]Ability to Think
I was approved to see another NP at the clinic I go to. I’m glad it moved so quickly. And I’m glad the clinic I go to let me get a second opinion with another provider. I’m just so unsure… Continue reading
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Transition of Thought
My psychosis episodes warp everything. They pop up out of nowhere and run my entire life until they wear out. Then it can get quiet for a few days. Then it ramps right back up into me. I have been… Continue reading
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Finding Parts of Myself
Everyday something new happens. Or at least, I notice something new about myself. Like how dairy and I haven’t coexisted well for quite a few months now. Like how my mind overrides me. Like how I have white hairs on… Continue reading
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Silence and Other Senses
It’s quiet this morning. Like, really quiet. It’s Friday, at 10am. People are out walking and driving and everything. But I don’t hear anything but faint background car noises. It’s as if someone switched a channel in my eardrums. It’s… Continue reading
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Daylio
Daylio is the name of my mood app. It’s an eye opening tool for me. I can track different moods that I have throughout the day. I can apply whatever “activity” or symptoms within those different moods. Everything is super… Continue reading
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Relationship
Relationships are so, so difficult for me. I’m talking about all of them. Family, friends, significant others, etc… I’ve said before that I have a very hard time communicating. And that’s a big part of it. Another part is that… Continue reading
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Shifting Thought and Behavior
I try to not post twice in one week. But I made that rule up for myself. It’s mainly because I don’t want my writings to be pressured. I want to continue to publish thoughts on topics and not force… Continue reading
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Changes
During the past month I’ve been noticing that I have very high blood pressure and quite a bit of chest pains. I didn’t even think about them being from my Seroquel until last Friday. I noticed that overall, I hadn’t… Continue reading
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Therapy
I have been in and out of talk therapy for quite some time. I was made to go when I was younger. Because, even at a young age, the darkness and doom engulfed my core being. I was originally sent… Continue reading
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Splitting
I can easily split into a completely different version of myself. Splitting turns me into a person that has an impossible time separating my behaviors from my personality. It’s like my emotions completely take over my mind and body and… Continue reading
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Medications: Part One
My Seroquel dose was upped again this week. I’m writing this entry through very heavy eyelids. A big downfall for me has always been how exhausted my psych meds can make me. I have taken Synthroid every day since birth,… Continue reading
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The Start
When I’m in a high stress situation, I shut down or switch over or snap or split. These actions are attempts at self preservation – and also surface from subconscious neurological misfirings. It’s fear of abandonment. It’s fear of rejection. … Continue reading
A Delusional Predisposition 