I Have to Balance

I was wondering about my symptoms that broke through last week.

Once they started to quiet a little, I could think again.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot since it happened actually.

And I’m pretty sure that the recent bout of breakthrough symptoms was from attempting to socialize last week.

And not just that, but becoming quickly obsessed with commenting and checking out new posts and comments on my social app.

I noticed the voices didn’t get bad until after I went to a support group online.

When I was really in the throes of checking the server I’m on for comments or responses.

Maybe they responded and didn’t tag me, right?

And I honestly don’t think I can focus on other people just yet.

Not in the manner that I was last week.

Becuase all I could think about was the app until the hallucinations got bad again and I had to stop everything that I’m doing and just cope with the day as it passes.

I don’t think I should be more social than I am now.

I remember just pawing through the app last week.

Over and over again.

I made some comments and no one responded to over half of them.

I felt shitty about myself because of it.

My attempts to reach out are failing.

And I’m trying.

But it’s like no one beyond my family members want to talk to me.

Or at least that’s what it feels like.

And it makes me frustrated.

I think I wasn’t noticing the frustration towards the attempt to be social.

Because I didn’t want it to be that.

And the hallucinations chime in on things and start clouding my mind up pretty quickly too.

And I was more thinking that my symptoms surfaced because of something else.

But not knowing what.

Not being able to pinpoint it.

When in reality, I just can’t stretch myself too many ways yet.

I was really obsessing over it.

Just like I’ve done with facebook in the past.

Not getting any notifications of activity, but fiercely checking regardless.

Scrolling around while my anxieties built up.

I’ve been on a server lately that’s a community for schizophrenia spectrum illnesses, so I feel comfortable there.

Which is awesome.

But I have to watch it.

It’s really hard to find a balance, but I have to.

I’m currently taking a couple days off.

Then I think I’ll do one on.

And a couple off again.

And so on.

I will go to another group discussion there again.

Because the first one I went to was good.

I just may take more of a wallflower position this next time around.

But I’m limiting myself to once a week with that already.

Even before the symptoms started, I made that rule for myself.

It’s hard for me to be wanting interactions with people.

And not becoming obsessed with the concept of it.

Or ignoring it completely.

And shutting down.

I have to balance it.

And not seek approval of my life or story through validation and/or interactions with strangers.

Which, social media of any kind is a vortex with that.

Regardless if it’s focused around a specific topic or not.

There’s also another thing I need to remind myself about.

That things aren’t just going to go how I want them to.

I can’t will things into going my way.

Unlike the last couple of decades, I now know I can’t read the thoughts of others.

That I can’t control their responses.

Because for so many years, I thought I could do all these things.

And that’s not possible.

I was delusional.

I was hallucinating.

And I know that now.

Doesn’t make it less shocking.

It’s like the antipsychotics flipped my whole world upside down.

My therapist and I were talking about it the other week.

How I’ve been under medicated for over twenty years now.

And even though I’ve been taking it easy the past year or so, it’s just going to take time to feel like I’m “with it” again.

Until things become easier to balance.

And I don’t just steamroll my way into conversations.

Which is usually due to me interpreting something incorrectly.

Which mutates into oversharing from me.

I have honesty been taking it easy for about a year now.

And It’s just going to take way longer than a year for me to be able to focus on some of this.

To be able to focus on much anything outside of my safety zone.

Which is annoying.

Super annoying.

But, I’ve read of people needing several years to recover from a few months of psychosis.

Let alone over twenty years of it, uncontrolled.

I have got to remind myself of this more often.

Because I do expect to be better everyday that I’m on antipsychotics.

And I have to remind myself that progress is a winding path.

It doesn’t shoot off one way or the other in a direct line.

There are infinite between directions it can go.

Before it goes vaguely down a desired path.

And I have to be okay with that because I have no choice.

As it’s been said, there’s no other way but through it.

– Keren