Finding Parts of Myself

Everyday something new happens.

Or at least, I notice something new about myself.

Like how dairy and I haven’t coexisted well for quite a few months now.

Like how my mind overrides me.

Like how I have white hairs on the side of my head.

I never thought a time like this would be an option for me.

I never thought I would be able to think clearly or remotely properly.

All while seemingly responding in a slow manner.

But I think what feels slow in my head, is actually, finally, a proper tempo.

It feels slowed because I’m thinking and then speaking.

Not just speaking.

It’s much different from what I’ve done until recently.

I have not been able to think properly till recently.

I have always felt so hopeless.

So alone.

I have always felt like nothing would change.

It never mattered what medication they would put me on because the darkness is always just sitting beside me.

It’s never leaving me.

But lately, I’m feeling a little bit better about my life.

Not in any specific area really.

Just in general.

It feels unlike anything I’ve ever felt.

It’s flooring.

The medication is finally working and I can think about more than one obsessive thing at a time.

Without obsessing.

My repetitions are more distant today.

My voices are distant today.

My radio is on and off again.

I know I’m at the beginning of a path that is clearing in front of me.

It’s like I’ve been here before but never had the tools to proceed.

Maybe even that I’ve been stuck in this one spot for so long, and I’m now finally able to proceed.

Either way, I have never in my life known – or rather, understood, this much about myself.

Not like yesterday.

Not like today.

I never even could.

I never even wanted to or knew how.

It hasn’t even been an option most all my life.

I’ve been trapped in survival mode.

I literally haven’t had the ability to focus on anything but my psychosis symptoms since seemingly forever.

My mind is working so much more organized these last few weeks.

Even though I had a pretty intense episode this last week.

I am bouncing back quicker than I ever have before.

So much so that when I snapped out of it was when I came crashing down and realized that dairy is a huge physical  hurdle for me.

It’s like I can only focus on mental things or physical things.

Not both at once.

Just one or the other.

It’s overload – too intense, to think about it at the same time.

My mind literally will not let me.

They’re individual entities that happen to be tied together.

But god forbid I be able to balance these two.

Or any other parts of me.

I can now see how it’s possible.

It’s just extremely difficult for me to act on both at once.

It’s really going to take me a grip of time to find balance.

I know that the body and mind work together.

But I never understood that till this week.

It never clicked.

People can talk up one side and down the other about it, but it’s never going to pop into place in the other person until they are able to comprehend it.

I have been told countless – I mean, countless times that my body and mind are linked.

Feed the body well and good things will follow.

Well, I shove food in my face because I know I need it and can’t think about it too much.

I get stuck on the same foods because I’m anxious.

And I know what I like.

But I never stray from that.

It’s not that I’m super picky, it’s just comforting to me to eat the same thing everyday.

Besides, I haven’t even ever been close to having the mental capacity to be able to focus on possible physical issues.

I haven’t been able to think past today, until today.

It’s like a new world opened up in front of me this week.

I don’t have to be miserable.

In any form of my life – physical or mental.

Or anything in between. 

People give advice, or words of wisdom.

I have never been able to understand the concept of just reading a book to feel better or stop smoking or anything like that.

It’s like self help has never been possible with me.

Because I have never dealt with my core issues.

I have been so ignorant of myself.

Of my psychosis.

Because of my psychosis, my life has been so, so, so much more difficult than it needs to be.

I have never known what I deal with.

It’s scary but yet beyond relieving to think about all of this.

To notice all of this.

Things are slowly falling into a pattern I never thought was possible.

With some of this brain fog lifting, I’m noticing different behaviors from myself.

I’m not that angry anymore. 

I’ll get frustrated, for sure.

But there’s not a rage behind it anymore.

When in the hospital this year, I knew I needed to do something different.

I had no idea what.

But I knew something had to change.

I’m still blown away that all of these realizations are happening because of the right medicine.

I can’t begin to express how glad I am for Invega.

I have never in my life heard such quiet.

There was a moment where I was able to focus this week on myself.

Not in a crisis, just reflect.

I was able to really focus and think about what just happened to my body.

And my mind.

And why.

At the same time.

That’s huge for me.

I mean, huge.

In a three day span, I feel as if I’ve easily lost twenty pounds.

My inflammation is subsiding from the absence of dairy.

I can see it retreating.

My clothes are fitting better.

All due to one food group.

What else am I blind about?

What else can I not see is hurting me?

I have felt close to being a normal fucking human the past couple of days.

– Keren


2 responses to “Finding Parts of Myself”

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