Chatty

I used to be so chatty.

I worked retail most all my life, so being paid to be a social butterfly was a good fit for me.

But that’s all changed now.

And since, I’ve noticed a change in myself too.

It’s been ongoing for a while now.

Years even.

I’ve noticed that I don’t have much to say when talking.

Or at least, I feel like I don’t.

My mind goes blank in the moment.

I go to speak and not much comes out.

Especially and more prominently when I’m around people I don’t know.

So I just don’t talk much nowadays.

Not like I used to.

I haven’t wanted to be that social since my last, giant psychotic episode that ended just last year.

I feel like I’m just now starting to wake up from it.

It didn’t help that I moved to an entirely different state in the middle of that episode.

I didn’t really understand how I got here for about eight months.

I couldn’t compute what had happened.

I still don’t remember much of it at all.

I mean, I had already lost myself about four years prior to that honestly.

And in reality, much longer ago than that even.

I say this because I think it adds to my antisocial – much less chatty, nature.

I still don’t know anyone here.

I’ve been recovering since I got here, once I was out of psychosis.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to anymore.

Which is also due to my psychotic episodes and out of control mental health issues and behaviors.

And I’m not working retail right now.

I haven’t for a few years.

So I don’t have that normal bubble of cool people at work and beyond now.

It feels lonely.

I feel very alone.

I feel like not many people will understand me and my symptoms if I do talk to them.

It’s hard to find new people.

I have been going to NA meetings to see if I can make friends.

Find people who struggle with similar things that I do.

So far the meetings have been good.

Granted it’s only been a few weeks of going after taking a very long break from them.

But there’s been good conversation.

But as I left the meeting last night I started crying in my car.

I just don’t feel like I fit in anywhere.

Especially with these fucking symptoms and issues I have.

I can’t talk about what I hear or see there.

It’s not the time or the place for that.

I’m too focused on my mental health to really be productive in an NA meeting.

Everyone is focused on one thing there.

Not using.

I’m beyond that.

I’m not saying I’m special.

I am saying that I’m at a different time in my life.

Different from having only one big issue.

I have several big issues.

I’m on a different playing field than most people

I’m saying I don’t think I can fit into a cookie cutter option when it comes to any recovery plan.

And I especially don’t fit into one where I don’t feel comfortable sharing about my struggles with my mental health.

Because I have so many fucking layers to work on that it’s not just not using drugs.

It’s maintaining my mental health.

Maintaining awareness of my diet and physical self.

Continuing baby steps worth of motivation at a time.

And don’t forget that I have to interact with people while I’m hearing and/or seeing hallucinations and trying to stay cool, calm and collected.

That’s the big one.

That’s where I feel my antisocial behavior is coming from.

In my apartment, by myself, I don’t have to worry about someone talking to me while I’m hearing hallucinations over them so their words twist.

Or hearing hallucinations off and to the right while someone is waiting for my response.

It’s distracting and frustrating.

It completely stops my train of thought.

I know I have reasons that I’m not as social anymore.

It’s still frustrating when I feel like a part of me is gone.

It just vanished one day.

But it was so gradual at the same time.

Much like my symptoms in general.

I have to remind myself that I really didn’t understand my mental illness until I got onto the right medication last summer.

It hasn’t even been a year – after about twenty five years of pretty continuous symptoms.

So I need to give myself a break when it comes to being social or chatty or anything.

It’s tough trying to figure out where the balance is.

And it’s tough to open up to new people.

It’s tough to think on my feet anymore.

It’s tough to figure out where my boundaries are.

And it’s tough to be easy on myself.

But I need to.

I have to.

– Keren