I used to be so chatty.

I worked retail most all my life, so being paid to be a social butterfly was a good fit for me.

But that’s all changed now.

And since, I’ve noticed a change in myself too.

It’s been ongoing for a while now.

Years even.

I’ve noticed that I don’t have much to say when talking.

Or at least, I feel like I don’t.

My mind goes blank in the moment.

I go to speak and not much comes out.

Especially and more prominently when I’m around people I don’t know.

So I just don’t talk much nowadays.

Not like I used to.

I haven’t wanted to be that social since my last, giant psychotic episode that ended just last year.

I feel like I’m just now starting to wake up from it.

It didn’t help that I moved to an entirely different state in the middle of that episode.

I didn’t really understand how I got here for about eight months.

I couldn’t compute what had happened.

I still don’t remember much of it at all.

I mean, I had already lost myself about four years prior to that honestly.

And in reality, much longer ago than that even.

I say this because I think it adds to my antisocial – much less chatty, nature.

I still don’t know anyone here.

I’ve been recovering since I got here, once I was out of psychosis.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to anymore.

Which is also due to my psychotic episodes and out of control mental health issues and behaviors.

And I’m not working retail right now.

I haven’t for a few years.

So I don’t have that normal bubble of cool people at work and beyond now.

It feels lonely.

I feel very alone.

I feel like not many people will understand me and my symptoms if I do talk to them.

It’s hard to find new people.

I have been going to NA meetings to see if I can make friends.

Find people who struggle with similar things that I do.

So far the meetings have been good.

Granted it’s only been a few weeks of going after taking a very long break from them.

But there’s been good conversation.

But as I left the meeting last night I started crying in my car.

I just don’t feel like I fit in anywhere.

Especially with these fucking symptoms and issues I have.

I can’t talk about what I hear or see there.

It’s not the time or the place for that.

I’m too focused on my mental health to really be productive in an NA meeting.

Everyone is focused on one thing there.

Not using.

I’m beyond that.

I’m not saying I’m special.

I am saying that I’m at a different time in my life.

Different from having only one big issue.

I have several big issues.

I’m on a different playing field than most people

I’m saying I don’t think I can fit into a cookie cutter option when it comes to any recovery plan.

And I especially don’t fit into one where I don’t feel comfortable sharing about my struggles with my mental health.

Because I have so many fucking layers to work on that it’s not just not using drugs.

It’s maintaining my mental health.

Maintaining awareness of my diet and physical self.

Continuing baby steps worth of motivation at a time.

And don’t forget that I have to interact with people while I’m hearing and/or seeing hallucinations and trying to stay cool, calm and collected.

That’s the big one.

That’s where I feel my antisocial behavior is coming from.

In my apartment, by myself, I don’t have to worry about someone talking to me while I’m hearing hallucinations over them so their words twist.

Or hearing hallucinations off and to the right while someone is waiting for my response.

It’s distracting and frustrating.

It completely stops my train of thought.

I know I have reasons that I’m not as social anymore.

It’s still frustrating when I feel like a part of me is gone.

It just vanished one day.

But it was so gradual at the same time.

Much like my symptoms in general.

I have to remind myself that I really didn’t understand my mental illness until I got onto the right medication last summer.

It hasn’t even been a year – after about twenty five years of pretty continuous symptoms.

So I need to give myself a break when it comes to being social or chatty or anything.

It’s tough trying to figure out where the balance is.

And it’s tough to open up to new people.

It’s tough to think on my feet anymore.

It’s tough to figure out where my boundaries are.

And it’s tough to be easy on myself.

But I need to.

I have to.

– Keren


17 responses to “Chatty”

  1. Be easy on yourself. I’ve never been a social butterfly and am more closer to asocial and avoidant, so I get it. The only time I talk is when I’m infodumping about something I love, or my problems because there’s really nothing to talk about and not enough people that care about just talking. It’s always something else. Something I have to act like, something I have to be, and I personally just don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like constantly monitoring myself or attention seeking and antagonizing myself for compliments because I wouldn’t get any otherwise.

    It’s hard work, but you did a lot of improving and introspection and you got this far, I’m sure you can get even further.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I really, really appreciate you and your words. Thank you for saying that!! 💚
      It is strange because I used to be super outgoing, but I was very shy as a youngster.. i don’t know if my symptoms aided me in being social or not.. but it seems to fit..
      And I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t enjoy attention seeking either. I feel like I used to do that a lot, but the medication I’m on has reeeeeally mellowed me out.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Shhooot, I hope one day I can stop being an attention seeker!

        I used to be shy as a kid, but after I reached a certain age, I got snobbish and pretentious (bc I was hurt because nobody wanted to talk to me) then mellowed out into half pretentious, half attention seeking all while being a people pleaser all my life.

        And I appreciate you too!💕

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hah!! You’ll get there if and when you need to. I didn’t get to the snobbish part until I was in college, and it was only really in regards to music choices 🤣

        Liked by 1 person

      • 🤣 Music is where I’m least pretentious at, but when it came to everything else, I was pretentious but would still talk to everyone. I was really bad with historical things.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I could win a game of random trivia I think 🤣 random facts are in my head.. and I don’t think being pretentious is horrible. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism? You’re really smart and creative, and I think a little pretentiousness is okay!

        Liked by 1 person

      • It’s definitely a defense mechanism. I love really random things and a lot of my peers called stuff I liked lame or uncomfortable/cringe and it was really annoying. I cannot get many of the people around me to enjoy my art or the things I like. They kind of just ignore it and it makes me feel scorned so I do the “well, it’s just because I’m different and special” coping mechanism…and it’s completely unnecessary and adds more to my reclusion. College didn’t make it better, but I kinda got too old to act like that to my peers.🥲😅

        I’ve been trying to get diagnosed with something to explain why I’m lonely and weird to some people, but…it’s just a hard getting a diagnosis and then adding on extra mental disorders like gender dysphoria, depression, and anxiety mixed with ADHD, I’m never getting further. I just want to know!

        I suspected that I am autistic, but since I was assigned female at birth (I’m transgender) and don’t fit the brackets of light white boy, “low functioning” autism, I’m not getting a diagnosis any time soon.

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s gotta be frustrating to no be heard by the doc’s about autism.. ADHD is very similar in some ways though.. so maybe they just think it’s that? I dunno, I’m guessing!
        And I bet people around you appreciate you and your art, but maybe just have different love languages themselves and don’t know how to express it? Again, guessing!!
        I think your art is awesome! And I bet quite a few folks on WordPress would agree with that.. and that’s the positive spin for the day! Hahahah!

        Liked by 1 person

      • ☺️☺️ thank you so much! I appreciate you, Keren.

        And, you’re probably right! I just struggle socially so I just felt like it’s that, but it could be just ADHD or both. I don’t know.😂

        I appreciate the positivity!😁🫶

        Liked by 1 person

      • It could for sure be both!
        And thanks, I appreciate you too! And I don’t know how I mustered up the positivity today, but I did! Hah! I hope the rest of your day is productive and lovely! ✨

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Very raw and sobering. I’m sorry for your loneliness and thankful for each week of self clarity. You are stronger today than you were yesterday ❤️ Love you forever & always Auntie B

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 🙂 I would like to speak less, I am working on listening and making the conversation about others not because I do not care about myself but because it shows I care about them too.

    This depends on who you are speaking to as well. You are probably doing better than you think.

    Liked by 1 person

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