DBT and BPD

I’ve been working on a DBT workbook that I ordered.

DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

It’s for people who basically, can’t control their emotions.

Find out more about DBT here. 

I started thinking about DBT again because I am still having pretty intense breakthrough symptoms at times.

Internally, mostly.

With my thoughts processes.

My therapist told me the other week that she could see the Borderline Personality Diagnosis in a few things I’ve done over the past ten months.

Splitting behaviors and knee jerk reactions here and there.

Trying to cancel sessions last minute because I’m mad at something else.

But she said she didn’t see it as often as most folks with Borderline.

She didn’t see a slew of BPD behaviors in me.

I got kinda frustrated with that.

I felt a little invalidated.

I was glad it was nearing the end of the session.

I got really antsy and, honestly, kinda mad.

As I got home I started unpacking that.

Who the fuck does she think she is?

Doesn’t she know me and my behaviors better than that?

I have had textbook BPD symptoms throughout my adult life.

It was for sure a “holy shit” moment when I got the diagnosis.

Wait.

She doesn’t know that five years ago I went through a six week DBT IOP.

And it completely changed my life.

Wait.

She also doesn’t know who I was until this year.

How I acted.

She has no idea how I used to be.

My past behaviors.

Especially in my twenties.

I’ll tell ya, I was a total asshole for SO many years.

Shit.

I never told her any of that.

Wait.

WOW.

How AMAZING is it that she’s not seeing many BPD traits and symptoms??

Maybe all of this heavy, exhausting self work is paying off!!

Finally!!

Are these the new thought processes I have, then?

Wow.

I didn’t blow up at her.

I didn’t totally lose my shit.

I didn’t get defensive.

I didn’t get upset that she didn’t already know.

Huh.

The next session I went back and touched on that topic with her.

To clear my mind.

And help her understand.

I gave her my backstory with behaviors and therapy related to BPD.

And how I was diagnosed.

She nodded and smiled and told me she’s very grateful I’ve been putting in so much work to myself.

And she got it.

Holy shit!

It’s a fucking treat to think this way!

To have these cool, calm, collected responses.

Not constantly bouncing from reaction to reaction.

Thinking that she should already know this background.

Is this what everyone else has been doing this whole time?

Having a process of thought?

And remaining calm?

And not think I know what she’s thinking?

Not just shut down?

Cancel the next four sessions?

End up never seeing her again?

Never in my life did I think this would be possible for me.

I never, ever thought I’d be able to do this.

My psychosis symptoms have been so loud that I’ve never been able to go through a series of thoughts like this.

And stay calm.

It’s mind blowing.

It truly is.

Because all of this is so difficult to explain to people.

So hard.

It’s hard enough to go through.

Let alone explain.

My therapist said she wished there was the technology to project people’s thoughts onto a screen or something.

So others can see what they’re going through and what’s happening.

Hopefully that doesn’t play into a delusion later.

But I get what she’s saying.

For my entire life, I wondered how the fuck everyone was so calm all the time.

How are people not upset with others for their thoughts?

The voices and chatter have absolutely been my barrier for understanding the rest of the world this whole time.

They have taken over so long in the past I couldn’t separate them and me.

It’s interesting, the more I thought about this, the more I wondered how she didn’t just know.

From looking at me.

From being in the same room as me.

Then I googled it.

“What does it mean when I can read minds?”

I have never googled that.

Though I’ve felt like I could read minds for decades.

Turns out, being able to read people’s minds and feel what they feel, is a delusion.

A delusion of being able to have telepathy like powers.

Being able to directly tap into people’s thoughts.

Who knew?

Then I found out about distortions.

There’s also quite an intense level of cognitive distortion – mind reading, at play as well.

Read more about cognitive distortions here. 

When the combination of these two came to light, I really started throwing myself into trying to fix myself.

Well, maybe not fix right away.

That’s really, really unattainable.

But try to curb it.

Be aware of it.

I’m trying to remind myself that I cannot actually hear and feel people’s thoughts and feelings.

And they can’t do the same with me.

I’m trying to tackle these delusions and distortions I’ve always had.

It’s difficult.

Most of this stuff I didn’t realize was abnormal until the meds that I’m on started clearing things up.

I’ve really been working hard on trying to feel less like no one understands me. 

Maybe because I’m just starting to know who I am.

I know the new diagnosis is helping me wrap my head around things.

Things are making much more sense.

Most of the time, I have felt backed against the wall in my life.

Unable to take a step back and assess the situation at hand.

I’ve always been so defensive.

I’ve felt like I’ve had to be over the years.

But I am seeing a positive progression in my behaviors.

And I picked up the DBT workbook to try to engrain these positive behaviors even more.

– Keren