Shifting Thought and Behavior

I try to not post twice in one week.

But I made that rule up for myself.

It’s mainly because I don’t want my writings to be pressured.

I want to continue to publish thoughts on topics and not force myself to plug out an entry just because I feel like I have to.

However, if something arises, I do not want to hold back.

It might seem like I have a pretty good grip on how I feel and think.

I have never, ever in my life been able to objectively view my issues until this year.

Let alone actually sticking to a schedule to write about them.

I was today-years-old when I was able to start trying to understand what I do and why I do it.

I didn’t know my symptoms revolve around psychosis until I started writing for this blog.

Before my last hospitalization this year, I wasn’t aware of the severity of my mental illness.

I’ve always known that my issues are really, really, really maddening and constantly negatively affect my life.

But I have had no idea on how to change it.

I had literally no idea that I had no control over my mind, at all.

Laying on my plastic platform bed in the crisis center, I was hearing children play in the secluded, fenced in area just outside my window at 1am.

At noon the next day, I was crying to the hospital psych doc that I do not need this high of level of care and was demanding to leave.

It took me completely breaking into pieces to be able to want some sort of life I could positively control.

I am now trying to let myself properly heal.

And when I ebb and flow, I still can’t control it. 

But at times, in hindsight, I can start to reflect and attempt to understand.

The crisis center that I was in during a week of January 2022 really opened my eyes.

Being “severe” has always been on my psychiatric charts, but I never really understood why until I started to work with my current therapist and really keep timely on my medications.

I thought all of my maladaptive, angry and miscommunicated situations were part of my quirkiness – so to say.

It’s just what happens to me.

My life is full of self loathing with constant chaos, and that’s what’s comfortable.

So, I just ran with the known behaviors for all of my life, whether they worked or not.

Even when they are completely and utterly toxic, and inflict emotional and physical pain on myself.

I had quite literally gone insane.

I was continuing to do maladaptive things and continuing to want change, but not actively doing a damn thing.

Now, I feel blank.

Like it’s time to start over, again.

With the med changes finally working and being able to see into my feelings when I can, I’m sensing a shift.

But not of mood.

It’s of mind. It feels deeper somehow.

It’s got a twinge of motivation behind it.

I don’t understand why it’s happening, but I’m running with it.

It’s really like I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Like, I missed out on so many different things because I was always driven by some aspect of psychosis.

From a very young age I joked about being a nutty spinstress.

I always knew somehow that it was a very plausible reality for me, but, I never cared.

It stems from very real issues I have.

I can’t keep friends for the life of me.

Not real ones.

No one calls me because I’ve most likely cussed them out at some point in time.

Or just stopped talking to them.

Not because I don’t want to talk, just because being social honestly makes me anxious and I become reserved.

I have started to realize that the voices of family friends or significant others have always been in my head.

They have always been in constant contact.

Constant miscommunications. 

I mean, constant.

I can’t even say how many friends I’ve lost from me thinking they said this, that, and the other.

In my defense, I did “hear” them say awful things about me.

And I also remember that I have gotten pulled aside and given lectures regarding my attitude problem and conflicts with coworkers at practically every single place of employment.

Which has been a minimum of two dozen places over the years.

I always thought it was them, not me who was the issue.

But the key factor that surfaced is that I do absolutely have episodic psychosis symptoms at the core of my mental health diagnoses.

Now that I know that, my past life makes SO much fucking sense.

I had never ever given psychosis a thought until this year.

I didn’t even know what it was, or what it meant.

I had to do a lot of research recently.

I’ve asked a lot of questions and have been actively trying to understand myself, finally.

With the Invega injection the doc put me on last week, and the Risperidone from the week before, I’ve been clearer than I have in many, many years.

I’m slowly feeling like myself again, and I’m desperately hoping this feeling continues to grow.

You see, when I have clarity like I do since almost the first day of Risperidone, it makes looking in on my actions and behaviors much simpler.

The chaos is becoming fewer and further in between.

I’m feeling good, but not balls to the wall.

I am having some breakthrough psychosis symptoms here and there, but they’re not overpowering.

I actually can say today that my depression does not rule me.

I am waiting anxiously to see what tomorrow’s mood is.

Because, the shit usually hits the fan around now.

But, I’m actually hopeful today.

It’s a foreign feeling.

It almost feels wrong.

Change feels so, so awkward sometimes.

Especially when, like now, I’m trying to better my thoughts and behaviors towards myself.

– Keren