Inflammation

It’s always there.

Inflammation is.

I feel puffy.

Everywhere.

And do almost all the time.

It’s gotten better since I cut out dairy products.

But good lort.

It can calm down anytime now.

But I know it won’t without medication.

I started another steroid burst this week.

For the millionth time.

They amp me up.

Make me antsy.

And unbelievably hungry.

I’m trying my best to fill the void with water.

Because steroids also make me sweat a lot.

I’m always warm when on them.

So here I go.

Into the roid hangry and uncomfortable body for a week or so.

I’ve done good about not caving into it though.

I lost two pounds overnight the first night.

And I called a rheumatologist’s office the other day.

Wednesday.

I gotta get in somewhere.

It’s not fading.

This constant swelling.

And it must’ve been the fifteenth office I’ve tried this year.

No one is taking new patients.

Especially not with my insurance.

But the second place I called the other day got me in.

Not only that but the appointment was the next day.

Thursday.

They got me right in.

And it gives me some good feels.

The times where I felt physically okay.

Was when I was on RA medications.

I could move better.

I was losing weight steadily.

When I came off of them.

My weight skyrocketed again.

And my knees have been getting stiffer and stiffer due to not having cartilage anymore.

And today I’m so grateful.

Grateful that I can focus on my physical ailments again.

I have been doing some things throughout the time of not being on meds.

I’ve been getting knee injections.

And back injections.

And back ablations.

And keeping up on imaging when I need to.

But have not been doing anything about the core problem.

My inflammation levels.

They’re always through the roof.

And I can’t help but wonder if it gets into my brain.

And aids my voices.

And/or other symptoms.

I have nothing to back that.

It’s just curious is all.

I can’t help but notice that the voices still linger.

They’re nowhere near where they were a month ago.

But the voices still show up often.

I know my RA was contained about five years ago.

And when I stopped being able to see that doctor.

Because my mental illness symptoms spiked.

I had to explain that to this doctor as well.

I had to tell her that I’ve been off almost all of my rheumatoid arthritis meds for years now.

All due to my mental health decline.

I told her I couldn’t focus on both.

And that my physical self has been ignored for quite a few years now.

And I’m coming out the other side now.

She completely understood.

Asked me what my diagnosis is.

And was compassionate for my journey.

She found my story intriguing.

And asked non judgemental.

Understandable questions.

Unlike any physically focused doctor I’ve met in a while.

I felt good after leaving her office.

I felt heard.

Very heard.

She put me back on methotrexate.

And plaquenil.

And folic acid.

So add two more meds to my daily tally.

And the other one.

Is a half dozen tabs once a week.

It’s sort of daunting.

Relying on meds like I have to.

But I know if I would’ve been born 200 years ago.

I’d be dead or locked up and away by now.

Probably dead.

Especially with my physical health issues as a child.

So instead of going down that path of darkness.

I take my meds diligently.

And I am grateful to have a doctor who sees that.

The doc I saw was so observant I was taken aback.

Through the steroid burst that I’m on.

She saw and felt my inflammation.

Everywhere on my body.

My hands.

My feet.

She didn’t second guess me.

Or treat me like I don’t know my body.

Or hold any judgment towards me and my life.

She was curious.

And asked good, relevant questions.

I’m starting this RA journey again.

And I am excited for the progress today.

Because the start of it is going so well already.

It gives me some hope that this is the right path.

That I’m right where I should be right now.

I still can’t help but wonder how my physical inflammation levels affect my mental health.

And when I started ignoring one.

The other one had major, major issues.

I’m assuming it’s all tied in together.

It will be interesting to see if my mental health continues to become steadier.

Along with.

On the same path as my physical health.

Because the voices are showing up this week again.

And my inflammation levels were pretty high.

I’m so glad I can work on these two parts of myself today.

And not keep ignoring one.

To focus on the other.

– Keren