The Blockage

It’s been three weeks.

Only.

And already.

Three weeks since I started the daily Risperidone tablets.

And only about one week since starting it twice a day.

My goodness!

How quickly my mood.

And ability to think.

Changed.

In that time frame.

I’ve been able to piece things together.

Slowly.

And be reflective.

Carefully.

I got my Invgea injection today.

It’s only been a few hours.

I was actually super.

Super excited to get my injection.

I have a feeling it’s going to be another game changer.

For the better again.

Finally.

I don’t want to hold it too high though.

I am trying hard.

To not load the next few days with expectations.

As my medications set into play.

They’re all tools.

Not cures.

Like most everything else in the world.

I feel sharp.

I’m having moments of reflection.

That almost makes me tear up.

Because I never thought of it that way.

Or really understood the concept.

Because I never got it.

I have been being held back.

By my mind.

The roadblock has always been my mind.

What I mean is the definitions of things.

That had never really made sense before.

They’re starting to make connections in my mind.

And fall into place.

I know this sounds stupid.

Well, wait.

I shouldn’t say that.

I know this sounds silly.

But it never registered that wool.

Is woven fur.

And people wear it.

I don’t know how to say this.

But I knew it was hair, right?

From an animal.

Sheep.

Whatever.

But the process of obtaining it.

Or using it.

Or manufacturing it.

Never, ever registered.

Like, I couldn’t ever connect the words.

(Let alone think of yarn and knitting in between the two.)

As being the same thing.

It was just that these words belong to these other words in regards to this topic.

Like, I could never picture or understand what the words actually meant.

It feels like a blockage.

Like a wall is up in my mind.

And it’s refusing to let me see the entire picture.

You know how they teach in school.

With the flashcards.

And you get a picture and a word?

And maybe even a fashionable, capitalized version of the first letter of the word on there too?

Well, all I’ve ever seen and been able to think of is the word.

There’s never been a picture.

Or an associated, capitalized letter.

Just a word.

Seemingly random information.

I have always thought that flashcards are genius.

And I always got the concept.

But it never was able to go further than that.

I couldn’t reflect that the word house means a house.

It’s always been just a word.

And then houses that I see.

Belong to that word.

It was never deeper than that.

I’ve always had to think of a word.

To remember other words.

Like word associations.

Word associations got me through college.

Because I could never connect the words to anything beyond the actual label.

The definition.

They’re always just floating around.

Not connected to anything related.

Besides other words.

Nothing fully registering in my mind.

I’ve always been frustrated by my lack of memory of things. 

I would create elaborate acronyms in regards to studying in school.

Because everything goes with a word.

And because there were never any pictures in my mind.

Not ones I wanted to see.

Not productive things.

Not much beyond darkness.

And dark gray scribbles in fog.

Today is different.

Much different.

Much much different.

Now it’s like my mind is making all of these connections.

Oh that’s what that means.

Shit.

I mean, I knew.

But I didn’t know know.

It’s really and absolutely mindblowing to me.

Honestly.

All of this is.

Because this means I’m thinking clearly.

For the first time since ever.

And it feels overwhelming.

And exciting.

I can’t help but think.

Is this close to what everyone else feels like?

Am I getting there?

It feels like I am.

It feels calm.

Collected.

Not scattered.

And chaotic.

Like I’m used to.

It’s such an awkward feeling.

Not bad.

Or good.

But good.

All at once.

It’s new.

And different.

– Keren