My Annoying Charm

I have this charm I put on people.

I’m annoying.

I’m super annoying.

I don’t know how it keeps happening.

Or what I’m doing to pull so much frustration out of people.

But I feel like everyone is annoyed with me.

Pretty much all the time.

Maybe it’s the stress I’ve been under the past couple of weeks.

But this runs deeper than that.

It’s been an ongoing thing in my life.

I had a friend once tell me I could easily be the most annoying person in the world.

I just laughed.

I still don’t understand what she meant.

Really, I just feel like I’m in the way a lot.

I’m an annoying thing to plan around.

Or schedule around.

I’m a nuisance.

I hate bringing things up to people that might make them have to do something.

Especially if it’s a topic that’s a want.

Because most of the time they see what I’m saying as a complaint.

I’m really just asking a question.

Or making a statement.

But it gets twisted somehow.

I don’t have any idea what I do to bring this out of people.

Maybe a part of it is my ability to “mind read” popping up?

Then again, I don’t think so.

I think this is different.

People are rude to me.

People either love me or hate me.

And I do not understand why.

The only thing I can think of is that it’s usually something that makes someone have to do something else.

Like talk to me.

Or take a few moments out of their day.

Or reschedule me.

I’ve had two separate incidents like that this week.

I brought something up and get treated as though it’s my problem.

Not theirs.

But it’s not my responsibility.

It’s theirs.

I don’t think I was rude about anything.

I really tried hard not to be.

I made a point to even say something about not being rude, and that I was just asking.

But both parties took what I said as a personal attack.

These are the fucking behaviors that I don’t see in myself.

I obviously have an air of frustration around me the last few weeks.

But where and when do I pass that frustration on?

I went back and looked at the texts.

At the emails.

They weren’t bad or mean.

They were both just shituations.

As I call them.

And the other party doesn’t want to do their side of the work.

One told me the “conversation is over”.

And to “not reply”.

The other one, I just stopped texting after the response.

Two totally different outcomes for similar things.

How does this happen?

These are some of the behaviors I do that I know affect people.

I just have no idea how.

Or when.

Or why.

Or where.

Or what.

How do I fuck up so bad and so quick?

I have ways to seemingly instantly annoy the person I’m interacting with.

I feel like I’ve been like this since I was a kid.

I have felt annoying for forever.

I honestly don’t mean to be.

I’m not trying to be an asshole.

But I get an asshole response.

When does it become me and not everyone else?

What am I fucking doing that’s so terrible?

Is it my lack of a filter?

That could be it.

I am pretty blunt with my wording.

I just never understand how horrible I act.

Sometimes I see it.

And I can pull myself back.

But other times, I just don’t know what I do.

It’s like my employment.

There’s a common denominator in all of my shit jobs.

And all my miscommunications.

Me.

There’s also a common denominator for these asshole responses.

Me.

So, what do I do?

Where do I start working to change when I have no idea what’s wrong?

Is it my wording?

Should I plug in more emojis?

Like, what is my next step?

I have been attempting to take longer to respond than I normally would.

I know I become an asshole when I react.

But my responses are shitty too?

*sigh*

Do I ask too many questions?

I do ask a lot of questions usually.

I’m just not sure what I’m doing that’s so fucking terrible and annoying.

How do I step back from myself and see these charming behaviors of mine?

Honestly, I’m asking!

For a long time I wondered if it was my timing.

Like, do I catch people at shitty times in their day or week?

Do I have a tendency to inquire with people that are just in a shitty mood?

I might.

It could be a combination of things.

I’m sure it is.

But I am hoping that I see what I’m doing soon.

Because I’m honestly at a loss.

At this point, I’m annoying myself.

– Keren