Relationships are so, so difficult for me.
I’m talking about all of them.
Family, friends, significant others, etc…
I’ve said before that I have a very hard time communicating.
And that’s a big part of it.
Another part is that I get offended and frustrated with people extremely quickly.
And I usually respond back hurtfully because I am hurt.
People don’t usually want to see that or be around it.
Even though I’m slowly learning better approaches, the bulk of people don’t understand me or my darkness.
And when I do discuss it, people recoil and walk away.
They want nothing to do with it.
It’s like I can never really be myself around most people.
Because most people can’t “handle” me.
It’s like folks sort of want to hear about issues, until those same issues become dysfunctional or irrational or angry or delusional.
Mental illness outbursts surface seemingly out of nowhere for someone on the outside.
So, how are folks who deal with mental health issues supposed to actually ever be their true selves?
I’ve been told by most everyone at some point in my life that I’m “too much”.
There are a few exceptions.
But, now I’ve heard it so many times that it has absolutely become triggering.
It’s as if what makes me, me, is the same as my biggest fault.
As if intense people, like me, don’t deserve unconditional love.
As if people like me have the ability to just stop.
As if I’m a horrible person.
I know I have huge issues to work through.
I know I’m intense.
But being intense doesn’t mean that I don’t feel things.
In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
I feel so intensely most of the time.
As if my skin was inside out.
It’s truly maddening.
Words cut through me like a finely sharpened knife.
I can collapse from them alone.
I understand that this is a huge hurdle for me.
As of this year, I have stopped trying to date.
It’s too many people for me to deal with when I do.
I can barely handle myself, how the fuck do I handle a whole entire other person?
That’s why I have never had kids – I can’t do it.
Well, I can, but I have chosen not to.
Kids are way, way, waaaay more chaos that I can deal with.
I’ve always known that.
It’s not a bad thing, but I never wanted kids in the first place.
And as I’ve stated, I have always joked about being a mad spinsteress since forever.
I’m not saying I’ll never date again, I guess.
I don’t want to put that on myself either.
But right now I’m just too overwhelmed with trying to understand myself to try to understand anyone else.
It makes it difficult to make friends even.
The few folks I have met lately do not take care of their own mental health and I can’t handle that either.
I was absolutely blind to the severity of my mental illnesses almost my whole life, so I can’t blame others for being the same.
But I don’t need to have them in my life at the same time.
My family life is alright right now.
The only major issue is with my only sibling, again.
We go on these cycles of speaking to one another for about a year, maybe two, to not speaking to one another for a solid five to six years.
Just to have that same cycle repeat again and again.
We got along when we were little, but now we don’t even know each other.
It’s tough, and sad.
But, I’m aware that some people have chosen to hold conditions for me – regardless of who they are in my life.
Some folks think I know damn well what I’m doing – that I’ve been conscious of it this whole time, and that I’m purposefully acting out.
My ex husband did, probably still does.
Hence the ex portion.
I would try so hard to explain what I was going through and he took everything as a personal fucking attack.
He once told me to stop self harming because he didn’t want other people thinking that he beats me.
Not because I’m hurting.
He couldn’t have cared less about that aspect.
Obviously, we had a toxic relationship.
But, I have been told by others to “get my shit together”.
Some people won’t talk to me until I’m so far along in recovery.
Until I’m at a certain spot in life that they deem acceptable.
Until they think I’m doing good again.
Well, that’s not even close to being fucking okay with me.
I do not have to prove myself to anyone or anything.
I am not still here to please anyone.
Besides, love really should not be conditional.
Especially with family.
But, it is for some.
And some people think they know better than others and it leaves everything so awkward.
It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Some people put expectations on me.
And I absolutely believe that expectations lead to resentments.
I learned that years ago.
The folks that have these parameters on how I can act when I’m around them actually have no concept of what I go through.
They don’t comprehend that I deal with illnesses that are much bigger than me.
They don’t get it.
I do think most of these same folks do not “believe” in mental health issues – which is beyond absurd.
I’ve heard jokes about what I go through, without apology.
Some think I’m excusing my behavior, not explaining it like I’ve said time and time again.
They think I can control this.
But, that’s their choice, I guess, right?
Folks can think or say whatever they want, but they shouldn’t be surprised if I’m not still standing next to them when they finally stop talking.
They’re the ones putting a huge obstacle in the way of understanding others, not me.
Once I realized this, I was able to create some very appropriate boundaries.
Lately I have been able to work on calmly explaining why I’m offended or frustrated or whatnot.
It’s a game changer to be able to take a little step back to look at the whole picture.
As I learn how to actually process and work through my feelings, I look around, and almost no one is still by me.
I’ve lost almost every single friend I’ve ever had.
Some of the folks who are still around can be rough with words, and I keep them at an arm’s length.
Like I said, I seriously can’t handle much right now.
But for the first time, I’m aware of that, and okay with it.
Because if I want to continue on a healthy life path, I have to learn how to let go.
I have to focus on myself and not let anyone on the outside tell me I’m not where I should be.
I say that to myself enough – I don’t need anyone else piping in on that too.
So, I’ll continue to work on myself and hopefully people who actually like me for me, regardless of mental health issues will slowly surface.
I’m not in a rush.