Holding Friends Hostage

Sometimes the people in our life try their best to understand mental illness.

And it still falls short.

Sometimes the people in our life won’t understand.

And it’s not productive to hold that against them.

There have been a lot of people in my life that have let me go over the years.

For this reason or the other.

All due to my misunderstanding of my mental illness.

Usually, we were no longer a good fit.

And it hurt.


But it fades into the background slowly.

Just like most things in life.

Being rejected for things I literally can’t control.

Is heartbreaking.


I never knew what was happening.

I didn’t say anything that bad.


I didn’t do anything terrible.

Did I?

Half of the problem is that I can never remember anything.

Let alone what I said to upset someone.

I was usually more upset over some perceived unfairness in my life.

I could never see anyone’s pain over mine.

I just couldn’t.

I wasn’t aware of what was happening to me.

So how the fuck would I be able to understand how I affect anything?

I couldn’t see who I was.

Who I am.

What I was saying.

What was happening to me.

I wasn’t hyper aware like I am now.

I would say that I wanted to kill myself.

That I was going to kill myself.


It was always the ultimate answer.

Ending it all.

Over a situation.

A shitty doctor’s appointment.

Being thrown off my routine.

Whatever it was.

I would call friends and cry.


At least twice a year per friend seemingly.

If not more with certain people.

I never understood why people would be so wary of me afterwards.

Why people would get frustrated with me.

Scared for me.

Scared of me.

Would start to distance themselves.

They didn’t need my oversharing.

They didn’t ever need me to be so seemingly dramatic from the outside.

They didn’t need to be put through that shit.

It’s intense.

It’s a shit coping mechanism.

But because I think about death all of the time.

All the time.

It’s always been a reasonable outcome for me.

Second nature to think about it.

To talk about.

For many years.

It was automatic.


I couldn’t understand why people would be so reserved after I had been calling or texting them.



Claiming that I had to end it all.


In reality, I was just reaching out because I was having a hard day.

But I couldn’t express that properly.

I couldn’t just express that I am upset.

That this is frustrating.

I had to go to suicide.

There was no inbetween.

All or nothing.

Give or take.

Right or wrong.

And my friends at the time couldn’t understand my lack of logic.

My total “out there” thinking.

And speaking.

So they left.

Because I couldn’t stop.

I couldn’t even see what I was doing.

I couldn’t see how terrible this was.

There were plenty of other reasons too.

Reasons why friends left.

Sorta more of the same idea though.

Me not being able to handle my surroundings.

And collapsing in on myself.

And not understanding why no one wants to be around me anymore.

After years of maladaptive behaviors.

I have taught others how to treat me.

Keep me at an arms length.

Expect selfishness.

When that whole time.

I thought I was being selfless.

I thought I was an amazing listener.

And I would drop anything and everything to help a friend where I could.

I was met with that too.

That loving fire between friends.

But because I couldn’t see my mental illness for what it was.

I took advantage of them.

I held them hostage.

I was everything I’ve always hated.

And I couldn’t stop it.

I couldn’t see my behaviors for what they were.

So I had no idea I needed to fix anything.

I had friends suggest self help type things.



Ted talks.

I would watch or read and just cry through it.

I couldn’t start doing that.

Because I can’t even  start to treat myself with any sort of acceptance.

I wasn’t even at the beginning of the behaviors they’re discussing yet.

I couldn’t see my starting point with anything self help like.

Because they weren’t talking to me.

They were talking about someone who’s at a healthy starting point.

Not mine.

Not me.

I’m just now putting things together that typical people put together in their 20’s.

I’ve never been able to see the starting point because I was never shown the prerequisites.

I didn’t even know they existed.

So it was like trying to start a task half way in.

I’m just lost.

And no one’s around anymore to listen.

– Keren

10 responses to “Holding Friends Hostage”

  1. I feel you. I just had two friends give up on having a decent friendship with me because I was the problem.

    I did very similar things and I have very similar outcomes and I’m alone and have to cope with it and it sucks.

    I want people to care, but thing is…it’s literally exhausting for people to care about me. I don’t blame them, I feel bad I’m a particular way. I just want to restart over with new friends or stop relying on people and their validation and move on and stop trying to have friends only to be mediocre.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hear this and feel this as well. It is exhausting for people to care about me. You’re absolutely right. It’s so frustrating to me because I know now what I should’ve done.. but now it’s too late. I feel like I may be able to make new friends if I didn’t have this rejection behind me.. it’s really tough. 💚

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, I heard from certain sources that if one gets rejected enough, they’ll be less likely to be as upset getting rejected.

        Friendships are hard, though. Even if you weren’t mentally ill, you still could struggle. Especially nowadays where people can’t handle anything. Especially kindness.

        Just give yourself a break for now. You’ll find friends, especially when you can be great with them. 😌

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Mental health education and treatment is a crisis in our country. I blame the lack of knowledge on other crises that have claimed thousands of innocent deaths throughout the nation. A marginal acknowledged and underfunded endemic. SO very sad!

    This sentence is worth talking through. I’m just now putting things together that typical people put together in their 20’s. Is it a cause effect situation? Because of the illness, important developmental years in a life become erased and one has to backup to that point. I’ve never thought of mental health illnesses in that, erasing affect, before. Your blogs have opened my eyes to understanding how mental illness steals portions of the brain that experience normal human development. The brain develops in stages like the rest or our organism, on stage stacking on top of another. It makes me think of those cardboard block towers a toddlers marvels in. If one block isn’t placed in the correct sequence they tower isn’t supported correctly. So how does one fix a hole? Are some brains predisposed to MH illness? My courses in child development and learning disabilities touched on this.

    🙏 again for being brave enough to share your loneliness and pain. Love you always and forever!! Auntie B

    Liked by 1 person

    • It absolutely has an erasing affect, that’s an excellent way to put it. And the building blocks of the brain is absolutely what it feels like. I’ve felt around 24 since I turned that age, and now I’m starting to understand why. Things that have never made sense to me are staring to become logical.. and almost have a “omg, duh” type of realization.
      I love YOU always and forever!! Thank you for your words. They mean the world! 💚


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