Retail, Behavior and Social Skills

I always say that I’m not social anymore because of all of the years of retail I’ve worked.

So, so many years of constant human interaction.

Bad days, good days, sick days, it doesn’t matter.

I have had to interact with hundreds of thousands of people in and throughout my life.

Most are customers, folks I would never hang out with.

People I would never surround myself with.

When I think about it, I’ve had to be VERY social regardless of my personal mood, for forever.

I have worked with the public since I was fifteen years old.

I learned how to mask myself and reflect those around me to not stick out.

I learned how to cope and act by watching and interacting with people.

I have been in many awkward conversations.

Heard countless stories.

I constantly bounced myself off of other people to make sure I’m being socially acceptable.

Even then, my inability to control my emotional outbursts still shined through.

Now, I’m not having to deal with the general public every fucking moment of every fucking day.

It’s nice.

I don’t have to ask people how they are, or listen to their days issues, or hear about their brother.

Now I am lucky enough to have the ability to deal with myself and my situations by myself, without any outside influence.

Just myself.

Finally.

I’m not dealing with anything in a way anyone else would but myself.

I’m not constantly looking for what to do by asking or watching someone else in a similar situation.

I’m learning how I can deal and work through situations on my own.

I’ve never done that before.

All of the years I was alone, and even when married, I had a friend who had an opinion.

The opinions are now not being heard because I need to learn how to deal with things in my own way.

A healthy way.

A totally different from what I have before.

And that’s what it comes down to, too.

Doing things differently.

Not letting myself dive into unhealthy behaviors and irrationalities because I suddenly, with the right medication now, I can separate things.

I can separate my behaviors from the possible outcomes, which helps me rationalize whatever situation I’m in.

Whatever that may be.

I don’t have to be overly emotional.

I don’t have to overshare.

I didn’t know that that part of me can be controlled.

That’s what makes a lot of these ephaninies even more mind blowing.

Is the opportunity to act differently.

This was never, ever an option before.

My new found ability to separate myself from my reaction or outward appearance or outcome..

And not hold expectations.

I’m now able to do these things because the Invega Sustenna is helping my mind focus.

The medication and my very hard work this year is starting to really pay off.

So much so that I spend a lot of weeks just catching my breath.

Mulling over these new abilities and behaviors.

I sit here and think about a certain situation, analyze my role in it and am able to dive into why I possibly get that way.

Or why I had to have a certain outcome.

My psychosis gave me what I thought was a secret power to tell what folks are thinking by the simplest gesture.

I’m realizing the more objective I can be about any situation, the easier it will be for me to remain calm.

If someone says something that’s directed at me, I have to remember that I don’t have powers to know what others are thinking or feeling.

Which is a very new concept for me.

I never understood how other people lived before.

How do other people hear and survive through this darkness? 

How do you read a book and have a new concept to your self help regimine? 

How do you not blow up in rage like I do?

How are you not more upset with everything?

I still don’t really get it.

Reading something like The Four Agreements and then applying it to their life accurately and directly with success.

I can barely retain the words that I’m reading, over and over again.

I’ve never finished the book.

How can I apply something that isn’t remotely, at a base level, obtainable for me?

I think that is what it boils down to too.

I’m still reading the second chapter and everyone else is already applying the concepts successfully.

I can’t keep up in a world that isn’t made for people like me.

But I’m not upset about it anymore.

I can deal with the hurt and feelings of never being able to fit in.

Because now that I know that, a whole different world opens up to me.

One of being okay with myself and my life, finally.

Because I don’t have to surround myself with strangers.

Because I don’t have to mimic behavior anymore.

– Keren