Loaded Questions

I have been very awkward in public lately.

I’m terrified of people talking to me.

Or about me.

Probably because I always feel like people are talking about me.

One harmless side glance starts a wave of paranoid thoughts through me sometimes.

I haven’t been able to communicate well with strangers at all recently.

“How are you?” Is a loaded question.

I saw a neighbor the other day and she asked me that.

I fucking froze.

And I almost started crying.

What do you mean how am I? 

Like, how are my voices lately?

Do I tell you about my voices?

Have I already?

What’s the level of our relationship?

What’s socially acceptable to say besides good or fine?

Don’t overshare.

Don’t cut them off in conversation.

Pay attention.

What did they just say?

That’s about what goes through my mind on a good day.

Bad days are different.

There are unseen voices and paranoia to deal with on bad days.

Anxiety, self loathing and massive confusion with everyday topics too.

I always thought my lack of filter and ability to be overtly direct was part of my personality. 

My quirks.

Me.

Some of it is, sure.

But some, I think, has a lot to do with my brain structure.

How things fire and connect in my mind.

How things get confusing inside of me so I end up lashing out.

I have always “said what I’m thinking” even if it hurts someone’s feelings. 

But I used to not understand how people would be hurt by what I’d say anyway.

Like, you asked me a question and I gave you an answer.

It’s not my fault you didn’t like my answer.

You asked for it.

I surprise myself with my answers sometimes.

I can be so blunt.

So unaware of others.

My reactions to situations and questions were almost always out of control.

Out of the vibe in general.

Out of context.

Emotional as fuck.

It feels like someone is answering for me, but through me.

It’s as if my response to the question caught me off guard.

I didn’t know I would say that.

Why did I just say that?

My ability to be socially proper is lacking in areas I don’t even know exist yet.

I know that something is off.

But I can’t place all of it yet.

I notice certain things though.

Like, when I am social, I’m finding that I talk in circles.

I say things that I already talked about.

I say things I’ve already written about.

I cut people off.

I don’t really pay attention to what’s being said.

I want to, but there’s usually quite a bit of chatter in my head.

I seem to only get relief from the voices for a few days at a time right now.

The voices filter what I hear.

They tell me what I hear, really.

They read into things that aren’t there.

I’m sure this is why miscommunication follows me everywhere.

I had to take a couple days off from writing and everything else after realizing that there are a few layers to my voices.

I’ve been extremely physically tired this week from it.

These ah-ha moments are intense.

Even overwhelming at times.

It feels like I’m a giant battery that desperately needs charging.

Knowing that there’s these layers of voices and words that I hear helps me make sense of things.

Of all of this *gestures at life*…

I have a constant fear of loaded questions.

I can’t live and act like I used to.

Doing things the same way I have been has gotten me nowhere good in my life.

So, I’m trying to do things differently this time.

I’m not saying or responding how I normally would.

I think that’s why these simple questions are so intense for me right now.

They’re bigger than what they seem.

Because now I can think.

I’m not filtering everything through a hallucination or delusion.

It makes things scary to not have my auto responses ready to go anymore.

But, my normal auto responses don’t apply to me anymore.

They’re outdated.

And have needed a revamping for a very long time.

Since I’m getting periodic reprieves from the voices, I’m able to do some editing of myself.

It’s very difficult.

To not use the same regurgitated topics and responses that I have since forever.

I’m trying so hard to be different than I have been.

Nothing has worked before.

But I’ve never been in these kinds of medications before.

And I’ve never been this person before.

It gives me a sense of relief to know that I can change.

Just because conversations have seem loaded in the past doesn’t mean that they will stay that way.

I know my almost social phobia right now is a result of the medicine working properly.

Everything is so new now a days.

New and fascinating and tiring.

– Keren

5 responses to “Loaded Questions”

    • It’s so tough to change, right? I’m super glad we’re aware of it – that’s half of the struggle I feel like.. My anxieties do play a big part in my life also. They can swallow me whole at times. I’m grateful that you can relate, but saddened by the pain it causes you and myself, and everyone. ✨

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

%d bloggers like this: