The Bigger Picture

I feel like there are so many things I haven’t been able to comprehend.

Especially over the span of my lifetime.

I know I’ve said things like this in past entries too.

And it’s tough to describe.

But not many things “clicked” until recently.

And recently, a lot of things have been making more sense to me.

Like, I didn’t know that eating less and tracking all of my food would help me lose weight.

I could never stay within the calorie limitations before.

I just thought it was out to get me.

And it would never work.

But I wasn’t plugging in EVERYthing I was eating in the past.

My progress was based on me lying to myself.

And then being confused when the effect wasn’t lining up.

I was hiding myself from progress.

Without knowing it.

So there was nothing to change.

The confusion was too much.

Seriously, I didn’t get it.

Not because it’s a difficult concept.

But because everything I had “done” to try to lose weight, never worked.

And I had done what everyone told me to.

I thought.

I had completely half, or even quarter assed the assignment.

Every time.

And I couldn’t get it.

I didn’t fail.

It was all rigged against me.

I couldn’t let myself be consumed by anything outside of my head.

Because my mind already had that power over me.

And it wasn’t going to let go for anything.

It’s sometimes hard to think back to a younger me.

Because that version of myself was controlled by trickling in psychosis symptoms.

Looking back I can see certain situations where I blew up.

Okay, a lot of situations where I blew up.

And I can’t recall the specifics.

All I can see now was my confusions and frustrations surfacing at that time.

My attempts to understand my life from the outside in.

My attempts to mimic and mask myself from pain.

My attempts at saving myself by raging out on someone.

It’s all so sad when I can recall specifics in the past.

At least, what I interpreted as specifics.

My ability to recall is impaired though, mind you.

I absolutely used to pride myself on being a bitch.

I owned it.

I can hold my own.

I didn’t need to rely on anyone.

And I let people know it.

It was part of my personality.

But then it started to isolate me.

Then I didn’t have the energy anymore.

Then it just wasn’t giving me the response or reaction I wanted.

And I kept doing all of the same things in life.

And not realizing it.

Not being able to piece things together for a bigger picture.

And I was becoming confused as to why the situation was so similar to the last one and the one before that.

I wasn’t doing anything different.

I couldn’t.

It was like torture, really.

Not being able to see that I was holding onto parts of the problems.

And it’s not anyone or everyone else.

It’s me.

The filters my mind puts on my ears and eyes.

It still fucks me up to remember how everything came to a head the year before last.

By the end of summer in 2021, I was gone.

I was so lost.

I was completely in my head.

Unable to actually care for myself.

I hate that that happened.

How fucking awful it was.

Traumatizing shit.

The main difference from me then and me now, is awareness.

I had no clue before.

I don’t know how I didn’t.

But I didn’t.

But I didn’t realize how everything tied into itself. 

Everything got twisted together and I couldn’t see.

My emotions, hallucinations, reality and my delusions were all the same before last August.

I mean, I “got” it.

After the hospital in January of last year.

I knew what I was hearing wasn’t real.

I had just got the word psychotic officially added to my diagnoses.

I still couldn’t wrap my head around it all though.

At that time, everything was still the same.

At least it feels the same thinking back on it.

Clouded and foggy.

I didn’t start being able to put things together until late summer this last August.

Almost forty years of confusion and misunderstandings.

There are simple things that I never noticed before.

Idioms that I interpreted completely incorrectly.

Phrases that I worded wrong in my mind.

The real world didn’t ever “click” with me.

It’s a hard thing to try to explain.

Like, things just make more sense now.

It feels as if my mind is a child wearing glasses for the first time.

Once I became aware.

Things slowly have been falling into place.

I don’t feel as if I’m treading water anymore.

My mind confused me for so, so, long.

It’s great to notice the little “oh..!” things in life.

It’s nice to start to make sense of what’s around me.

Fucking refreshing is what it is!

– Keren

5 responses to “The Bigger Picture”

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