An Empty Parking Lot

I feel as though I’ve helped destroy my life.

Well, let me rephrase that.

I feel as though mental illness has helped destroy my life.

My symptoms.

My lack of decent behaviors.

My shit coping mechanisms.

My complete lack of insight till recently.

It’s tough getting out of these cycles of chaos.

They’re so habitual to me.

They’re easy to turn to.

They’re familiar.

They’re toxic.

And they sure are comfy.

My ability to have annoyed, knee jerk reactions has been my speciality.

To not be able to see past the tips of my fingers.

See, just the other day I kinda blew up a little via email.

I just got super confused, really.

Well, I can say that now.

But I started getting defensive because of it.

And I just wrote and hit send before thinking.

The email was regarding some very important information.

That’s time sensitive.

I got mad because yet another person emailed me from that same office.

I don’t know who this person is.

And when I emailed back.

I was complaining about everything.

Told her what I didn’t like.

And ragged on their lack of timeliness.

So I sent the email.

But then I got her voicemail from earlier.

Oh.

And then I saw the two emails I got from the lady I talk to most.

They were from the day prior.

Oh.

Oh shit.

I’m a jerk.

I just now found the email that gal had sent back to me after my bitching.

She was apologizing for what I complained about.

But instead of just emailing back more bullshit.

I did something different.

Just like DBT tells me to.

Upon returning that email, I apologized to her.

I told her I was being a jerk.

I told her that this is what happens at my jobs.

That my confusion means anger is coming.

And I’m sorry.

I get thrown off and lash out.

At least now I have the sense about me to be able to somewhat step back and be able to own my shit again.

To be able to stay on my side of the street.

But it’s a skill.

It’s not my go-to.

But I’m hopeful that it can be.

I make an ass out of myself when I do shit like that.

The other week I got really really annoyed with my therapist.

She texted me a little bit before our session.

I was actually just leaving my building as I got it.

She was telling me she needed thirty minutes.

That she would be late.

She has a tendency to text or call me kinda last minute for changes.

Usually, I don’t care.

That week I did.

I was already feeling lonely.

In the way.

And tossed to the side.

For completely different reasons that anything my therapist had done.

So, I spun out.

Before I could stop myself I texted her.

“Let’s just cancel.” I texted.

She called.

I ignored her.

I was still driving towards her office.

She texted something like “why?”.

I said that I’m just a nuisance and let’s just forget it.

She called again and I answered.

“What?”

“Why do you want to cancel? You’re not a nuisance, Keren. Everyone else canceled and I’m just running late.”

“Okay, fine.”

“Okay fine what? Keren, I’ll be there in twelve minutes. I’ll meet you there if you still want to come.”

“Fine.”

“Okay, I’ll see you soon. Bye.”

“Yeah.” I said

I pulled into the lot at the clinic.

It’s empty.

Empty, empty.

Like, not one car.

It’s usually at least half full.

Oh.

Oh shit.

It’s the Thursday before Christmas.

I totally forgot.

I don’t really do holidays.

I for sure don’t make a big deal out of them.

So I forget these things.

And it then dawned on me that she had said “everyone canceled”. 

Oh fuck.

Everyone else canceled.

Shit.

I’m such an asshole.

I started crying.

And she pulled in and got out and I instantly said “I’m sorry”.

“I’m being a dick” I told her.

She chuckled and we talked about that whole situation during my entire session.

I have to take steps back.

I gotta look around me better.

I got triggered and I acted out.

I don’t know why I do that.

Because I always find an empty parking lot.

Ya know?

I always overreact to nothing.

Well, not nothing.

But my interpretation of some situations are seriously just wrong.

Like, I don’t know what’s going on.

I think that it’s for sure this one thing.

I know it is.

And I think I know that that’s the truth.

It’s gotta be.

But that’s not the truth.

Not even close.

Those are just my assumptions.

My filter is broken.

And now I’m able to slowly start seeing reality more.

And live less in my mind.

My darkness leaches into all areas of my life.

In some way, shape, or form.

It will.

And it does.

It’s in every part of me.

I have got to remember that.

And I do think the more I recognize these types of things I do, the more I’ll be able to help stop myself from reacting like I have.

I’m sure of it.

At least I’m able to apologize now.

Or recognize when I assumed and royally fucked up.

I can own my mistakes now.

Or rather, I can start to own my mistakes now.

– Keren