2020

I’ve been pretty reflective the past couple days.

I’m glad to be able to be today.

It’s not always an option for me.

I was thinking about my divorce.

It was finalized three years ago last month.

I was thinking about how my mental illnesses showed up outside of myself much more often after it.

It’s like my divorce broke me free.

Free to be who I truly am.

Even though.

For the first two and a half years.

I was a hot mess.

But I’m glad I left my ex when I did.

If I would’ve stayed.

Chances are I’d be very sick and very unhealthy right now.

Mainly mentally.

I was in an extremely toxic relationship.

We created garbage together.

It was awful.

And when I rid myself of that.

I think it cut something loose.

Like my self loathing.

Because I had made a huge mistake.

And had to admit that to everyone I know.

And the state.

Fuck it’s embarrassing.

But I’m so grateful I went through with it.

Even if my mental health collapsed after February of 2020.

I think even through everything there was an odd sense of relief that took over me.

At least in that department.

I felt like I could finally be myself again.

Mix that with degrading mental health.

And top it off with not knowing how to handle or deal with the traumas that surfaced throughout that year.

If I look at 2020.

It was a shit show.

Like absolutely awful.

Wretched.

Fucking terrible.

Covid started to surface for everyone.

Terrifying.

My divorce was finalized in February.

I got a super bad concussion in March (I’ve gotten chronic migraines ever since).

First ever car accident when I was the one driving was in April.

I was stabbed randomly outside of my work in April (the day after the car accident).

Another car incident in August (this time the axle and wheel fell off of my SUV while going 70mph down the highway).

I was shoved so hard by someone that my left shoulder was dislocated in September.

I had another bad car accident.

It was either at the end of 2020.

Or at the beginning of 2021.

In that accident I was rear ended while sitting at a stoplight.

The truck that hit me was easily going 40mph.

He drove off quickly after turning my car into an accordion.

Through all of these shituations.

I was also an essential worker all year.

I guess a few things happened.

Fuck.

When I write it out.

It sounds so fucking horrid.

That’s a lot of shit in one year.

That’s a lot of shit in general.

Everything just fell out from under me that year.

By the end of it the external voices were loud.

And surfacing as neighbors.

I knew something in me wasn’t working properly.

But I couldn’t see it.

I thought the hallucinations were real.

I couldn’t fathom anything different.

I didn’t know it could be different.

When I think about that year.

My head starts spinning.

Because all I can really remember.

Is tragedy.

Traumas.

And I was alone.

Just me and the dog.

For the first time in years.

That year I was seeing a therapist that was pretty convinced I was dealing with dissociative identity disorder.

She’s the one who took me down, in meditation, to “The Water Park Bridge”.

She helped me see a different side to all of this.

Even if I didn’t understand what she was getting at.

Until years later.

And I do think.

I was dissociating like it was my job.

I do think.

She was on to something big.

I knew I was hearing the neighbors starting to talk about me again.

I knew I was confused.

And short tempered.

And just trying to survive.

At one of the most traumatic times in my life.

That therapist, Molly, helped me immensely.

She helped me start to unpack my failed marriage at the same time.

Because no matter who you are.

The list of bullshit that happened to me that year.

Would break anyone apart.

And now that I’m more separated from it than I have ever been.

I can see it.

Now I can see it.

The ramping up to a huge fucking episode.

That was unavoidable.

And then some.

My illnesses.

The miscommunication.

And misinformation my mind created for my little world.

And my world has been little the past few years.

It’s just now starting to blend in with reality.

I’m glad I’m able to look back and rememember this today.

Even though it is painful.

It helps put some perspective on things.

– Keren