The Water Park Bridge

Before my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, I had bipolar 1.

It was always “severe”.

And the mental health care folks that I was working with, knew something else was going on.

They just weren’t sure of what.

A few years ago I was working with a therapist that was wondering if I am dealing with is dissociative identity disorder.

She is an EMDR specialist.

But I was never EMDR ready while working with her.

Her name was Molly and she was the one who told me that my life is in “constant chaos”.

She was not wrong.

Anyway, we went through a few sessions discussing DID and what it looks like.

I even did a two hundred DSM-5 type questionnaire with my psychiatrist at that time.

The conclusion was surfacing after a hundred questions.

I have dissociation issues.

But it wasn’t DID.

But I was hearing voices.

And I felt like they could control me.

So where did that leave me?

Molly suggested that I do a guided meditation type exercise with her.

Since I wasn’t ready for any EMDR, this would be the first step to move towards it.

I laid on my back and just listened.

She walked me through my mind.

She told me to find or create a safe place for a lot of people to gather if needed.

All I remember is for some reason I was suddenly looking down on a really wide bridge.

Like the ones at water parks.

The ones that you stand on and wait for the water to hit you from the log ride that’s screaming downhill in front.

Except just a small creek running under it instead.

These are the bridges that have the side bays of built in benches scattered throughout.

It’s made with thickly cut pieces of rough timber.

It was as if I was watching from above.

And the trees were so thick in this little bridged valley that I had to be at an angle.

I was only there to observe.

I do not remember what Molly said exactly but it was to the effect of bringing everyone with me into this safe space.

Suddenly, three different aged me’s came from all different ways.

They sat in one of the built in bay benches in the middle.

Suddenly a giant, floating just above the floor single atom begins to seemingly continue to corral the three me’s.

It was glowing in iridescent whites and golds and greens.

It guided them to stay in that specific spot on the bridge.

Not forcefully or menacingly.

But gently.

Everyone was calm.

If not almost timid, really.

The child me was practically hiding under the bench.

The other two just standing by the bench.

The younger two hung closer to each other than the older one.

Not too far after that, Molly brought me back to the moment.

The whole process took the entire hour long session.

Though it seemed to feel like only a few moments.

The next week we started to unpack that happened.

I told her who had surfaced.

The me’s.

And how somehow I know their ages.

These versions of me were six, fifteen and twenty six.

She told me she thinks the atomic type figure is my core self.

My wise mind if you will.

And though I hate the words “wise mind”, I know what she means.

And she’s not wrong.

At least I don’t think.

That was the vibe I got from it too.

Maybe it’s my subconscious or something.

But how wild to have three different me’s pop up.

What does that even mean?

How do I digest that?

I feel like the story doesn’t have a great ending because honestly Molly left that practice not too soon after this experience.

We didn’t meet up more than three times after this meditation.

So, I don’t know if I’ll ever know what to take from that really.

The one thing I recall her and I talking about is the ages of me.

At six I had the charismatic leader of our “church” tell me that I was not ready or able to accept the lord jesus christ as my savior and I would not be baptized.

Still never have been and never want to be.

Anyway, blah blah blah, I’m not going to talk about religion right now.

And I have nothing but love for those who believe.

It’s just not for me.

At age fifteen I started high school and was dealing with abandonment issues with my brother leaving home.

I also started having major mood and anger issues at this age.

My darkness surfaced around this time.

So then there was twenty six.

At age twenty six my symptoms really started surfacing. 

I was practically done with college and the shit hit the fan in regards to substance abuse.

I was drinking and using stupid amounts.

Looking back, this is when the voices were getting a lot louder and much more aggressive than they had been before.

They were becoming undeniably negative and starting to have a constant impact on my mood and behaviors.

It actually makes a lot of sense that these ages of me’s popped up.

These fractions of me.

These parts.

Obviously I still think about this exercise often.

It still rings a curiosity in me.

I wouldn’t mind, at some point, to be able to do EMDR.

I think it could really help in some aspects.

I just did this one meditation that one time.

And it will stay with me forever.

It was something I can never forget.

My current therapist told me that I can’t unlearn things.

And this was one of those situations.

– Keren