When My Anger Shows

I get so frustrated with myself.

I’m still mad at myself.

About raising my voice at the dentist’s office the other day.

I hate that I do that shit.

It’s super unhealthy.

I don’t know why I do it.

I can think today.

So I’m trying to reflect.

Why the fuck do I get so mad?

My go-to is always anger.

Frustration.

Pissed off.

Maxing out my rage gauge.

I was honestly trying to think just before I got spicy the other day.

And I think that maybe.

My mind can quite literally only do one thing at a time.

And maybe that’s something I should look at more often.

Be aware of.

I know I overwhelm easily now.

Because when I face something unexpected.

I get mad.

Very fucking mad.

Instantly.

It feels out of control.

I know I’m overreacting.

But I don’t care.

My fuck it switch flips.

And I don’t think it’s because I want to control the situation.

Usually I’m simply thrown off.

I feel like I’m not prepared.

Or ready anymore.

Maybe because I’m in survival mode a lot?

Getting thrown off of the road.

Fucks me up.

For most.

I would assume it would be a non issue.

It’s a schedule change.

A time change.

A change in small details.

A change in procedure.

A new place.

A new team of doctors.

This leads to a short fuse for me.

Thinking on my feet does too anymore.

I have been saying that I’m struggling with verbal communication lately.

And this is another example.

It’s extremely difficult to get my point across verbally.

And I get angry so quickly.

That it ends up all blurring together in my head.

And I can’t fucking think.

And before I can stop myself.

I blow up and holler that “I’m not dumb”.

At the poor registrar.

Just trying to do their job.

I did do something different this time though.

Even if I did make a scene.

I didn’t self harm.

I didn’t go to my car.

And proceed to give myself a concussion.

I sat down.

And started writing about it.

Cursing it out on my phone.

In a new document.

And my anger dissipated rather quickly.

I was just typing everything I was thinking.

Word vomiting.

Because I know.

At my core.

I’m really just fucking frustrated.

With the situation.

With myself.

And I keep having a problem expressing what I need.

I just hate how my go-to is anger.

In the moment.

I don’t know what else to turn to.

But it happens pretty automatically.

Like, it didn’t cross my mind in any possible other way.

It was defense.

Maybe I feel like the voices have walked all over me for so many fucking years.

That I can’t anymore.

I just fucking can’t.

Deal.

Properly.

And I don’t know how to stop that feeling.

How do I stop an automatic feeling from sweeping over me?

I can’t go around.

Telling people I have schizoaffective disorder.

That’s not okay.

And it’s not an excuse.

It’s an explanation.

I want to be clear with that.

It helps me explain my reactions.

Because now I understand.

That my outbursts are random at best.

And my emotions get the best of me still.

Granted.

It’s not close to what it once was.

Especially in my twenties.

But it’s still embarrassing.

When my anger shows.

It’s ridiculous.

And I hate that part of myself.

It’s like sometimes.

I feel like a child throwing a tantrum.

And I probably look it too.

But I don’t know what else to do.

I’ve never done anything else.

I’ve never even looked this part of myself over yet.

Not as it’s own entity.

I didn’t know.

Until worrying this out just now.

That parts of me are really, really vulnerable.

And act out.

And show up in defensive ways.

In ways I would normally never behave.

It’s fucked really.

I feel like, what do I do now?

How do I curb this compulsion?

To lash out.

To cover up my own insecurities in harmful ways?

I don’t know.

I’m honestly asking.

I’ve done the whole flicking a rubber band on my wrist.

I’m still working my DBT workbook.

I go to CBT one on one talk therapy every week.

I take my meds at the same time everyday.

I journal like a motherfucker.

I feel like I’m starting to do the right things.

So, how do I not react?

Maybe it’s part of me flipping.

Into fight, flight or freeze mode.

What I call survival mode.

Again.

Hm.

Something for me to continue working on.

I noticed today.

That I didn’t have any external voices for the second day in a row.

That’s why I’m able to think about my anger today.

Where it comes from.

Why it does.

When it does.

My fucked way of dealing with frustrations.

The inconsistencies of it all.

It’s quite a daunting behavior change.

I feel like I’ve been so angry for so fucking long.

That I don’t know what else to do.

That I don’t know who I am with it in check.

I have always felt like I can’t feel another emotion like that.

Not that raw.

Nothing else is as instinctive as anger for me.

And I’m glad that I am able to see that today.

And change appropriately.

– Keren